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      I was the warmth she said

     



We were sophomores in college when I saw her sitting there at the library table reading. I slid up to her, and kept trying to flirt. She was persistent in telling me to get lost. It made her more attractive. Ah, but she was beautiful already.


We went out, and after 6 months I knew she was the one. we were engaged, and she was more in love with me than I could've ever imagined...especially now. She wanted to transfer schools.....out of state. So, I moved. I even had to change my major. But, I willingly did. We made ends meet barely. Then we married. Before I knew it she was pregnant.


I graduated college, and got a better job. She was 2 months pregnant when she lost the baby. I did everything I could for her. I was there for her as she began to draw away. She told me I should move out. So I moved out. But, it killed me inside. Then she called to say that she was going to file for divorce. She had met someone else, and wanted to enjoy the younger days of her life. I saw her with him at a bar. My buddies dragged me out because they were tired of seeing me grieve. There she was- my wife- all over another man. I started to rage, but I didn't. I broke down instead, and left before she could see me. I was like a vegetable the rest of three months.


She seemed happy, so I thought it best not to call. I was dying. I thought maybe she would see that she loved me, but for those three months nothing was looking good. I decided that I would move back home to where my family was, and sent a simple postcard forwarding the address to my new apartment. I was to move in two weeks. No word from her.


The night before I left I was loading my car with some last minute things. She strolled up to my car, like we had never been apart. My heart melted. I hating being away from her, where I couldn't smell her skin. She said she was sorry, and that she wanted to be married again. She didn't want the single life, and that she just wanted love again. But only the kind I could give her.


We were together again.


A month later we found out she was pregnant. With someone else's baby. But, I told her I wouldn't lose her again. I would just pretend it was mine. She had changed so much, but she was willing to allow me to be the father of this baby, and I was more than happy. Megan turned two, and we had a son named Kalib. When Kalib was one we had another baby Will. Life was better than ever. One night she came home drunk, and threw the dinner I made on the floor. She said she hated and resented being a mother because now she could never have a life and she needed to be free. She told me she loved someone else, and that she needed to be alone, off in her own world. But, I told her no. it was too late for all of that. we were married. we had a family, and thee was no way she was walking out on us, but she left. she was gone for a month. I took care of the kids day, and night. I cried after they went to bed, and cried when I was at work. life was hell, and I wondered why I deserved it. but, I know I was wrong for telling her it was too late. she's always been such a free spirit. I should've known she was an untameable horse.


She showed up again....and once again I took her back. she started going into drunken rages, and that is when she said Will wasn't mine. and a paternity test proved it. I loved Megan with all my heart, and I loved Will. I knew it was not going to change things, but it made me so bitter at her that she hid it.


For once in our relationship I got strong, and told her how much I hated her for being so selfish. I was so strong before her, and all she did was drag me down. she was admitted into the hospital for an overdose, and I was there for her. we talked, and she cried in my arms, and told me just to take her home.


Three weeks later she moved out. She took the kids, which shocked me. Then she told me she only did it to hurt me. The kids went to live with her mom.


With her recent history I couldn't accept the kids being in her custody. But, I was only able to get custody of my Kalib. I moved close to her mom so that I could see MY other kids more often, Her mom supports that.


That was 2 years ago. She's married now, and is having a baby this fall. we don't get along. I have dated a little, but am not fully recovered from what has happened between us. She is all better, and I am happy. She seems happy with this man, so I am happy for her, but I wonder why she couldn't be ok when she was with me. Will and Megan stay with me often. that shouldn't change when they finally get to move in with their mom this week. I hate that the kids lives have been wrecked by this. I don't regret ever taking her back. I loved her, and still do. but I know 'us' is a lost cause. that's a chapter in my life that is closed. but we had 3 great kids together, and that is all the beauty in the world I could ask for, even if 2 of them aren't mine, they really are.


I will always love her, but I know inside of me, that I will love again. I am still young, and still have so much love to give. I think maybe one day we could even be friends. I will never forget one snowy day outside my dorm. We had talked about one day being married, just shortly before I proposed, and where we would live.....it was just silly dreams. crazy foolishness that we thought those dreams would come true. I kissed her lips, and her face glowed, and she whispered to me you are the warmth in me......


maybe that place grew cold inside her...... those times seem like forever ago, but I will go on to lead many more sub lives in just this one human life of mine. and I am never sorry....I would do every second again. even the pain. because w/o that pain, what would make the laughter and happy times so great.


I will always miss Karen and me then, but look forward to me now......


Payne

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