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      I want to give you the world


In college, I dated quite a bit and never met someone who I felt I had any real connection with. However, I did finally meet and fall in love with someone who I know was my soulmate. There was a presence about him, gentle but strong. He and I dated for five years. We shared everything! We became best friends in spite of the many obstacles we faced in our relationship. His friends told him he was crazy for wanting to hang out with "his girlfriend"...go running, to the gym, study, play golf, racquetball, go out to eat, listen to bands, eat pizza and watch a football game,... We did so many fun things together, even sitting reading the paper on Sunday was fun because there was a quiet peace between us.

After three years of dating, he was transferred for work. We sent cards, talked on the phone for hours, and visited each other as much as possible. When he left, I was so scared that things would change, but each time I talked to him I knew our love was strengthening. This went on for a year and a half. Then, I felt he was starting to distance himself from me, but we talked about this and how he was feeling. I didn't trust him. Finally, our relationship began to feel the "long distance" strain. We decided to see other people. We both cried and after he left, I laid in a foetal position and cried for about two hours. I finally pulled myself together enough to get in the shower. I heard the phone ring, but had been crying so I didn't answer. Later that night, I waited for his phone call. When he called, he said he had stopped at a pay phone and tried to call about two hours into the trip, but I didn't answer so he figured I had gone somewhere, but that he was going to come back because he didn't feel like we had done the right thing. Since I didn't answer, he didn't turn around and come back. I felt sick- I should have answered! He said it was probably best because it wouldn't have helped.

We'd call each other after a date and tell how this date was boring or superficial or whatever the case may have been. We began to appreciate each other again. We were getting closer...I thought...until he told me about his date with one particular woman. He told me "she kind of got on his nerves", but he did like that she was "like a guy and would eat steak" with him. She was "just always there when he was bored" he said. His words told me one thing, but I sensed there was more. He came to visit about five months after he had starting dating this woman, but we talked about working things out and he told me what I had suspectedů he had slept with her. I was crushed. How could he have done this when we shared such a special connection? He told me "she wasn't even good", "she isn't as pretty as you are", "I don't really like her". When he left town, we both were feeling sad. I told him he had to do what he wanted... that is why we were taking time apart. I made a mistake and started seeing someone else briefly (a month) even though I was still in love with this other man (rebound I think is what it is called). I missed my love terribly. I was consumed with love, uncertainty, disappointment, and fear, but never imagined my life without him.

We decided to meet half way and work things out. I was so happy! I had just gotten a new job and knew we could work things out, we loved each other too much not to! Well, the week I was supposed to meet him... I found out I was pregnant, but with the man I had been "casually" seeing a month previous to this. The first person I called was my love. He told me he was disappointed, that he had always known we would be together, but if I had this baby, he would not be with me. I cried for hours and days. Should I give up this life inside of me...for a chance to be with my soulmate? The one man I loved? My gut told me that I should have the baby. The father agreed. My mother told me "If you don't have this baby to be with him, and down the road he invites you to his wedding, you will regret that you made that kind of decision for him, do what is best for you- if he truly loves you, no obstacle is too big for you two to overcome. Forgiveness is hard, but it will come."

Nine months passed, we remained the best of friends as he became closer to this "other woman". The baby was born. I loved this little person so much. I realized that the love I felt for him was similar to the love I feel for my child. I know now that the love I feel for him is true, lasts forever. I want him to be happy. It has been three years. We have not seen each other, only talk on the phone from time to time. My daughter is my first priority. It is ironic, she has a white birthmark on her chest- the same one he has. His grandmother still writes and sends cards for me and my child on birthdays and holidays. Guess what?...he is STILL dating the same woman. I told him after he had dated her about three months that I thought he would marry her. I just knew. And, now, three YEARS later, he has told me they are talking about it.

I still love him, I always will, I know this was my soulmate, that I won't love a man like this again. I feel lucky that my life was touched with this kind of love/ The sorrow is still there. I wonder what may have been if I had made other decisions. It is bittersweet because now I cannot imagine my life without my child. Part of loving someone is letting go. I am happy that he is happy. Sometimes after talking to him, I cry, and his voice lingers in my head. My feelings for him don't consume my life, I have moved on, but realize more and more how special this man was to me, how close of a connection we really had. I am glad he has moved on.

Recently while talking, he told me that loving after you have really loved someone is a choice,...that we choose the second time we love. The first time is sure and real and spontaneous. To me however, I feel, If I can't have the real thing, why settle?

I tell people often to be yourself, do what you feel, tell the person you are with how much you love them. Don't look for comfort where you can't find it...instead be truthful about how you feel, don't try to mask your feelings, comfort from another is always temporary. Real love does not go away. I don't understand the statement, "I was in love with him, but not anymore"...If this is the case, it wasn't love. Love is forever. This is what makes love different from caring about someone or liking someone. We choose or our decisions influence who we will be with while on this earth. Love is eternal, and in heaven all the souls who should have been together on earth will be united and at peace.

I know there is a deep connection between me and this man, our friendship has lasted all this time, when most would have fizzled. He loves someone else now. I respect that. I respect her and his relationship. I don't tell him I still love him because this would be inappropriate. I don't mourn the loss of our relationship as I once did. I do however regret what we lost and regret that I didn't realize the depth of our relationship until it was too late! Those of us who have truly loved in this lifetime are blessed!

My heart aches at times. Would I change the decision I made to have the baby? Absolutely not!!! I would make the same decision again. Actually, in a strange way, the love my daughter has brought into my life has healed me! She has allowed me to love unconditionally and freely. God does work in mysterious ways!

He once wrote in a letter, "When we get back together, I want to give you the world". Well, you already have. You have taught me to love, that is the world.


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