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      Hard to lose what you never expected to find


This story is connected to The Love Changed in the Love section.

Tony and I met at work in a fish factory of all places. We were together a few short weeks, and then he was found dead in his home. I really lost the plot and as I said in the Love Changed it was only an ex boyfriend who pulled me through it.

Tony took me back to a place where I felt safe, and a place I thought I could rely on. He was a good man, and had the ability to understand without being told in detail why I felt a certain way.. that it seems to me, is rare in men. I have been lucky to find it twice, I know that, but I am alone; and it is worse now than the first time.

I am scared to care again, as I feel it would be the end of me, if another man I loved died. I know it is an illogical fear but it is there, and especially as we only had a short while together. I feel like I cannot relax and enjoy getting to know someone slow, as if they died I might never have told them how I feel (again).

There has been no-one since --well two one-night stands-- in the thick of me losing the plot, but nothing that had a chance to be anything. I feel I will be alone forever, and the most frightening thing, is it feels safer, miserable but safer. I am choosing between a rock and a hard place and ignoring the other option.

Maybe in time I will be ready to take a chance, for now I seem to be living on memories and trying not to want impossible things. It is so easy to keep thinking of things you could have said and done, but there is no going back.

After he died I promised him I would not turn him into a barrier; but as time goes on I feel I might be crawling back into the shell he dragged me out of. The thing is this has only happened since the depression started to leave me and I started to be able to turn off the grief.

Maybe, the shell is just a part of who I am; maybe, if A Decent Man come along it will be discarded again!


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