Everyday for the past month I have told myself what an idiot I am. The reason why I'm an idiot is because of myself. I have made myself the idiot I am today.
I dated this guy for almost 2 years. He was my first love. While we were dating I let others influence me into thinking that he wasn't a good boyfriend when in reality it was me who wasn't being a good girlfriend. He loved me the way that I love him now, 3 years later.
We both immediately started dating someone else when we broke up. I loved the guy I dated, but he just wasn't my first love. I think however the girl he dated he was madly in love with and still is. I think he is in love with the way she looks though not her personality. Her personality is definitely lacking! Then again, sometimes I think that is why I'm in love with him still.
I have tried so hard to get over him, it's been almost five years of loving him. When I think about him I literally start aching. I want to be with him so bad. Well, after almost 3 years not really talking to each other, we went to a party together with some mutual friends and bam that night had sex. I could not have been more happy, confused, or hurt. I tried to talk to him about it but he was kind of hesitant (he's a bad talker anyway). He said he's trying to get his life together right now (which I believe because he really needs to!) and that he could see me as his wife not a girlfriend. I kind of took that as a lame ass excuse to turn me down gently. I feel like a dumbass. Now every time he comes in town we hang out and I stay at his house every time. Sometimes stuff happens and sometimes it doesn't. I just want to know what is going on and why I can't let go. I want to try, but then again I really don't want to cry because we make a perfect match.
Last weekend we went to a party and all the guys were flirting with me and he kept trying to get my attention. What is that all about? I feel like I love him waaaaaay more than he does. He used to love me that way. He told me he doesn't love his ex anymore, but he has the same symptoms as me about him.
I am so confused and all I think about is him. I want to feel like he loves me back. I want him to want me.