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      Timing is everything


My high school love, I so desperately wanted him to love me back. I was very immature as far as dating went back then. I remember laying in bed and praying to God that he would be the father of my children and that we would grow old together. But after one last and unexpected date when he showed up at my college campus where it felt like we were the only two people in the room, there were no calls, no dates, no apparent hope for our future.

I would think about him often as the days turned into years. Years later, after I married and had children and they started school, I would see him once a year at a festival related to the school. He had married and had a child younger than mine at the same school. I would feel such a physical and chemical attraction to him but tried so hard not to show it because I knew that it was not reciprocated. Then, in a weird twist of events, there was a communication by email directed to the festival chairpersons (I was one along with my husband at the time). I responded and it grew into 'hello's' and 'how are you's' on a daily basis and then emails throughout the days. I revelled in it since I had recently separated and needed attention - however I could get it and I was getting it from the person I had craved it so much from when I was younger.

As our communications progressed, revelation after revelation was revealed. Stunning stories that left me crying from both happiness and heartbreak. He told me how when we were young he was wild and not ready to settle down, but always thought that he would marry me one day. I had no clue. He told that he had married on the rebound the first time because I had married. He told of trying to find out what was going on with me 10 years ago when he was again single. I told of initially wanting to leave my husband at that time but being talked out of it by many people. He would marry again and now has 3 small children. Mine are middle school age.

We have a strong desire to be together, but the community is so small that to be discreet for any length of time would be difficult. We have chosen not to take that chance. He professes his love for me and hints of trouble in his own marriage that has been going on for some time. But I know his level of dedication and commitment and I know that his family will come first. He won't be leaving his wife and I'll never be more than his email buddy. Every day I look forward to his emails and they always make me smile; but some days, the sadness overwhelms me and I feel like I should just walk away now before the hurt gets to be too great.

I am magnetized by him! He inspires me in so many ways and calms me instantly when I am upset. I will take the little time I have with him for now until I get the strength to be able to let go and open my heart to someone else... but it breaks my heart every day to know that the opportunities have always been there, we have just never been there or available at the same time.


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