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      I just dont know what to do anymore

     



I met this man on the internet 2 years ago. We've had a lot of ups and downs (more downs). And it's all my fault. When I first got online, I entered a chat room, thinking it's all fun and games. I can be who ever I wanted to be. After talking on line to this man a few times I called him at work. He sounded so great. We shared a few things about ourselves. Still thinking this was all in fun, I continued to lie to him about looks and the fact that I was married. Our 15 minute conversation turned into hours day after day. I tried to avoid any conversation that came up about my looks. I wanted to tell him the truth so many times. But I couldn't get enough of this man. Things he told me, the way he made me feel. I was falling for him...FAST!


I made plans to meet him. He was flying to a nearby city. I thought to myself...ok it's time to let him know before he gets here, I'm nothing like the woman I described to him. He was very upset but still insisted on meeting me.


I was extremely nervous. The day he arrived at the airport just happened to be my husbands birthday. I tried everything I could to get away from my husband and family to go and face the man I wanted to be with. It didn't happen instead he was left at the airport stranded.


He called the house in the middle of the night and my husband answered the phone. Everything was out in the open. My real name, my marriage, my looks...everything. I thought for sure this would be the end of everything. I was miserable at the thought of hurting him. When I think about it now it makes me ill.


We stopped talking for a while, but he never left my thoughts. Then once again we slowly started talking. Time after time we would have our falling outs but never leaving each other's side. I tried so hard to be the one he wanted me to be. I tried to make him see that no matter how I looked I was the same woman inside that he fell in love with. All my hopes and dreams were still there and all my secrets and fears that I Shared with him came from inside the real me.


Why I would be so in love with a man who cannot get past the exterior is beyond me. But I am.


I moved back to my hometown in another state, we continued to talk, he kept asking me to send a picture of myself. I promised him so many times that I would never keep anything from him again. This time I made a vow to myself. I sent a picture. He became quiet. I knew this was the end. I kept asking him to say something. And he did. He could never be with someone who looks like me. My worst fear came true. He said we could be friends, We tried talking like it was no big deal. But deep down it's killing me inside. I continued acting like it wasn't bothering me. I'd joke around with him and laugh at all his silly jokes, trying to pull off the good old buddy routine. I'd call every once in a while just to say hi. I want so much to not care, but I do.


Recently he had a birthday and I didn't send him a card. It was a very selfish thing for me to do. I tried talking to him, he doesn't want to hear it. I can't blame him, after all.. I've hurt him so many times.


He has always told me it's the little things that matter. He's right.


I want so much to please him but I'm always screwing up. The more I try the bigger the screw up. It's a constant battle with myself.


I love him...FOREVER. He once told me that if I fall...I need to get back up and fight harder. I think he meant fight for everything but him.


I just don't know what to do anymore.

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