I had admired a gentleman at my work place for about two years; however, I never struck up conversation with him due to my shyness and what I perceived was an educational difference.
I possessed an honours university undergrad degree and business college diploma. He was in the process of achieving his Ph.D. in physics and mathematics. Anyway, in those two years prior to our dating, we would simply smile or exchange a joke or two in the secretary's office. My attraction to him besides his physical attributes was his loner quality and his coolness. Anyway, at a conference, we had a chance to get to know each and found out we had much in common. It was uncanny. I prayed that he would ask me out because it felt nice to be with someone who didn't get offended at my humour (I have a dark sense of humour), and also he seemed to have a strong faith and love for his family. He asked me out when we came back from the conference. I was jubilant.
Our first date was mixture of excitement (attraction/chemistry) and being open. After the date, he said he wanted me to meet his family. Whoa--that's quite fast. However, I also felt an immediate comfort with him too. I told him that I would prefer to wait a few weeks before doing so. In the weeks that followed he pursued me with intensity. We shared the same values, life pursuits, faith, love of family, enjoyment of solitude, and quietness. I tended to be a bit more outgoing and open to my feelings, whereas, I felt he was a bit more reserved. However, he was very intense when he did show emotion. He never showed much emotion or expression to people, but he did joke around with my mother. He said he admired her no-nonsense attitude. He found me a bit soft and too gentle. When we were alone, he was very tender, but around most people he expressed very little about himself.
As I met people in his life, all spoke highly of him. He seemed embarrassed by it. A dear friend much older than both us said the our relationship was a match made in heaven, and for a while I truly believed it was. My boyfriend mentioned several times that he saw me as being his future wife and would be the mother to his children. I thought it was a bit soon to make such statements, however, I was very touched by them. Everyone who saw us said that he always looked at me with complete adoration.
He went away on a trip and returned. He brought me back some jewellery and it was very attractive. Being a manly man, I was surprised at his choice. They were quite feminine and pretty things. The following day, he acted quite strange. What ensued in the next couple of weeks was truly a 180 degree turn from his behaviour and words prior to the trip. He criticized everything about me, from my physique, to my social skills, to my living quarters. His summary of me was that I was one of those people who wanted to live a pampered life, was afraid of getting close to people, and basically cold hearted. I was shocked beyond belief. I tried calmly to understand him and did ask for his proof of these accusations. At first he acted very defensive and angry, and then suddenly he cried and cried. I did not know what to make of this. I tried to comfort him, he seemed so pained, but he seemed to recoil from my touch. I told him that he had disparaged me for one month and his accusations were unfounded. If he didn't love me anymore, I could accept that (of course it hurts), but I couldn't accept his vicious lies and disparagements. He told me that I never loved him, as he had loved me. And yet, strangely, unlike him who proclaimed it so boldly in the beginning, it quickly faded. I took a bit more time, and mine is still there.
I still pray for him, and wish him the best. I email him about once a month to see how he is. He quickly replies with many details, but never asks me how I am. I think that is rude. At our workplace, he cannot face me when I look at him. I have tired of being the first one to greet him and so I treat him how he treats me. He looks sad and angry. I have seen his family on occasions and they seemed warm and friendly when I chatted with him.
To be honest with you, this was the first time that I fell in love with someone without any inhibitions. I discovered things about myself that I knew were there, but they were never experienced with someone else in the romantic realm.
Love is a hard lesson when we give it without condition and with freedom, but the other person not only rejects it, but treats it like garbage. I was angry with myself for being this open and giving, but I realize that not everyone will realize the gift that is given to them. That is fine. I know for myself that I gave him something clean, honest, passionate, and giving.
In the end, I will fall in love again.