I met Jake when I had been in the first grade. We were best friends, even then I knew he was "the one". I'm 23 now, but no longer am I with him. Jake and I dated for 2 1/2 years throughout high school and part of college. We made a pact saying that if neither of us were seriously involved that we would marry each other at the age of 25. Little did I know that he wouldn't live to be 25.
Jake didn't die from a disease or a car accident. No, it was his choice to die. We broke up a little over a year ago. It was the hardest thing that I had to do, but I needed to focus on school. After all, it's not easy to go through vet school. But, anyway, Jake seemed to take it alright. He understood, and there wasn't a period of awkwardness between us. After we broke up we went out for pizza. After a few months, he started pulling away from me. I couldn't stand having him do that to me, I was worried about him, and had every right to be. His parents were having serious problems, so he went home for a little while. I didn't think much of it. He asked me to go with him, and I did. What are friends for? As it turns out, Jake's parents were getting a divorce, it was worse than I thought. When I was growing up, I always thought of his parents as the ideal couple. I wished that one day I would be as happy as them. Jake started acting really weird, that's when he pulled away from me. His grades started slipping, and I knew something was wrong. I tried talking to him. Jake had always been able to come to me when something was wrong, what was different about it now? I asked him what was going on. He told me that things change, that people change. I told him that he was right, but things don't have to change for the worse. At this point he looked at me, his eyes were full of pain. I knew it was because of me. I started crying, which is weird for me because I rarely cry. Jake told me that he loved me, that he always had. I said the same thing to him, but he interrupted me. He said that I was right to end things when I did. I felt awful. I love him so much, and never had there been anyone in my life more important than him. That's exactly what I told him, but it didn't change a thing. Jake started dating a girl named Chrissy. I hated her so much, but there was nothing that I could do. After a few months Jake got worse than before, and we rarely talked. I thought about him everyday, and I decided on Valentine's Day I was going to show up at his apartment and tell him how I truly feel, again. I had an 8am class and then a class at 2. All I could think about was how excited I was to tell him how I felt, and how I know he would be happy to have me back. Or at least that's what I hoped.
I went home after class and showered. I got all dressed up, and I looked really pretty. When I was getting ready to walk out the door, I noticed there was a small box with a red rose on it, and an envelope next to it laying on the table. I sat down and opened it. It was a present from Jake. He gave me the ring and necklace that I told him I loved when we went on vacation while we were dating. I opened the letter. At first it was saying things such as I love you, I miss you, and I wish I could see you more. That made me really happy, but then the mood of the letter changed. He told me that it had been his fault, all of it. It was his fault that his parents were divorced, and it was his fault for our relationship getting ruined, both dating and friendship. He told me that everything had gone wrong, that he didn't have any other choice. He kept going on with things of that nature, and then he told me what he actually meant to say. He told me that by the time I read this that he would be dead. By the point, I was already crying my eyes out. It all felt like one big dream. I called his sister to see if it was true, they were room mates. She answered the phone. I could tell she had been crying. She told me what had happened, but she was holding something back, she asked me to come over. I did. The police were at the apartment. I was trying to calm her down as much as possible, but I was also shook up. Why would he do that? Jenny, his sister, told me how her and her fiancÚ had found him. I couldn't believe it, this had to be a dream. Jake never would have killed himself, never. But he had, my nightmare had become reality. Jenny was talking about how he said he wanted his funeral to be a few days ago, but she didn't think much of it. I wouldn't have either. She said how it was her fault, but we all knew it wasn't. His parents asked me to say a few words at the funeral, because I knew the most about him. I hesitated at first, but I did. My "speech" went like this:
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world. Jake was the world to so many of us, and he will be missed by everyone. He was smart, brave, a loving son, and the best friend that anyone could of had. We all know this, words can't explain how much we all loved him, and how much we always will. He'll always be in our hearts. I know that Jake will be looking down on us, his loved ones. Everyone here knows of the past that Jake and I have. So, I can honestly say that Jake meant the world to me, and I know that he is probably looking down on us right now saying something like 'why are they sad, this is me going to a better place, they should be happy.' That's how Jake was, he didn't look on death as something to be upset about. He looked at it as an adventure, going somewhere better than earth. That's something I loved about him. He was never negative about anything. He looked at a rainy day and saw a rainbow with a pot of gold. He was a gift truly! y a gift from God, an angel. Now, he's where he needs to be, a better place, somewhere that's perfect, just like him. He was our angel, and always will be. We should all consider ourselves to be blessed to have been able to have him in our lives. I know I am." I was crying throughout the entire thing. When we got to the cemetery, I stayed after everyone left, and talked to him. I know how weird that sounds, but I needed to do that. I sat next to his grave and said how much I loved him, and how much I miss him. I haven't been to his grave since, and I'm afraid to visit. In part it's because I blame myself for his death, but it's also because I'm mad at him for doing that to me. He was my everything, and even now I have nightmares about that day. I was terrified. I decided to take counselling, and I took a few months off from school. I travelled during that time, I wanted to go somewhere that didn't remind me of him, but it didn't work. I miss him more than anything, and each day I pray that it will get better, but it never does.
The pain never goes away, but all I can do is wake up in the morning and go to class, after all tomorrow might be a better day.