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      When does the pain end?


When I met Hanno I thought to myself, nice looking, but surely gay. I
was not even remotely interested. After becoming unemployed, I found myself
spending more and more time with an acquaintance, Rachel, who was a friend of
Hanno’s. On some of these get togethers she would invite Hanno.

Last year on
the fourth of July, I invited Rachel to a party, which in turn she invited
Hanno. That night Hanno put his hand on my knee and we spent that night
together. During the next few weeks, we saw each other occasionally and became
closer friends. For all intents and purposes we were dating, yet Hanno would
not admit to this. Rachel called me and said Hanno told her that he didn’t want
a relationship with me and that he considers only women under the age of 28
suitable for marriage. Despite this warning I kept accepting his invitations.
Before too long we were living together (without even discussing it), it just
happened. 13 months after our affair started, it abruptly ended. No warning.

Two weeks later after his emails wanting to see me and talk to me, I reluctantly (and against my better judgment) agreed. We spent
that weekend together. He was so kind, loving, things seemed
to be better than before. But they weren’t, he waited a couple of days to call
under the guise of setting up an appt for me to see a massage therapist. It's
difficult to go from living day in and day out with someone to they don’t call
to see if there are weekend plans. I learned from a mutual friend that it was
because of age, he wants a twenty something. His comment ”Doesn’t every man?”. I felt humiliated hearing this from my friend and he looked shallow. He always
knew that I was older. He also told her that his fear was discovering on down
the line that he made a mistake and it would be too late, I would be with
someone else. It was her feeling that Hanno knew it was time to take the
relationship to the next level and he panicked.

I got an email through another friend indicating that he was dating younger
girls. I cried for a couple of hours. I am still a physically beautiful
woman in my early forties (well, I’ve been told that I’m beautiful inside and
out) but this affair has left me feeling unworthy. Hanno is not that much
younger than me (34) and I treated him like a king!

The problem is Hanno has continued to communicate with me. We do have a couple
of business matters to wrap up, but the communication inevitably turns personal.
He still wants to be friends, etc and claims via email that “he misses me
terribly”, misses our friendship and special bond”. I was/am so in love with
this man, that hearing his voice and seeing him only breaks my heart over and
over again. He doesn’t understand. There are some days that I feel such pain
and change between wanting to see him and never seeing him for the rest of my
life. Confusing conflicting feelings, all normal, I guess (I hope)!

I started casually seeing the man that I was dating before Hanno. We were
lovers before, so it seemed natural to go back to that, I do have feelings for
John, and got a double whammy when he just announced that his son was just born!

Right now, I just want to focus on me, I don’t have anything left to give to
anyone. I feel a profound sense of loss.


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