The bible tells me many things and as I read each and every page over and over, the answer is still not clear. The voice of guidance of strength is not shining and showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. What am I to do?
I turned to god after my mother passed on and god helped me through the grief of loosing my closest and most valuable friend. He helped me see through his words of wisdom. Although now as I read again, I can't see how I got through, I can't find the same love and wisdom I once found in my leather book. In anger I throw down my words, and get up, after reading for hours I finally feel like food. I decided if god can't help me now, I still need comfort, so am turning to food for the moment. I freeze walking out of bed, so I get under the shower instead of walking to the cupboard. I leave the shower cold and close my eyes as the water splashed on my face, I slowly remember why I can't find what I am looking for in the bible, I stopped looking for love and protection in god and now I am looking for answers. I am the only one who can find the answers; god can show me where to look. I already knew that. Turning off the shower and dressing, I decided if I want to know all I have to do is ask. Looking great in my old jeans and my favourite top, I get down on my knees and pray for forgiveness because of my blind stupidity, and for the courage and strength for what I am about to do. I felt heaps better leaving the house and driving the hour into town.
I was so scared that he wouldn't be at work but at home which meant more waiting and driving, but after three years I was sure I was in the right place. I knocked on the door, a woman wrapped in a towel answered the door. I had found my answer. After three years our relationship was over.
"Hello" the very pretty young women at the door said. She was much younger than I, and had better legs and was probably also better in bed. I couldn't say anything I was praying again, praying this wasn't true, and I had the wrong house. I had been here far to often over the years to get it wrong.
"Can I help you?" sounding more and more beautiful. I could see what he saw in her, her youth, looks, and maybe more sex then I could offer.
"Is, is Mr. Jones, in?" trying to find the words I stuttered
"Yes, he is. I will get him for you", she left me at the door without inviting me in. I wouldn't have wanted to go in and face more than I had to. Looking though the doorway I found out why I hadn't been to his place in months, she was there.
I could hear them discussing who I was; Jonathan Jones didn't sound happy not knowing who was at the door. Although she seemed to have said sorry with a kiss and a moment later Jonathan was standing at the door. The smile, which was there only seconds before, disappeared very quickly.
"Why?" I slurred wishing I knew what else to say.
"You weren't giving me what I wanted." I couldn't believe it, he didn't care. He could so bluntly tell me that he didn't care, he didn't have to say it in those words, but his tone and eyes told me all I needed to know.
"Just one last question, did you ever love me?" I don't know why it mattered to me now, that it was over but deep inside, he was still mine and it still was important.
"To be honest, I liked you but never loved you." So that explained all those weird feelings I had over the last few weeks, but why hadn't I noticed this before, was I just to busy or maybe na´ve. He closed the door in my face. That was it, three years of so called loved was over.
I cried all the way home licking my wounds.
"God forgive me, for being so na´ve, loving too easily and giving it to the wrong people. I give my life to you."
In this day I found the love and safety I had been looking for, in god.