All my life it feels as if I've been searching for something. I've always felt that something was missing. I had a lot of boyfriends when I was younger and, though not meaning to, I got a bit of a reputation. I was never satisfied. Going from one guy to the next, thinking, "is this the one, is he the missing link?" but they never were. Until I stopped searching.
I was in a relationship, it was the early stages and going well. I didn't feel he was the one I was searching for but I was happy, and then I met Chris. He was my friends neighbour. He wasn't the best looking guy but he had this aura about him. There was something that drew me to him instantly, so intensely. When we kissed I knew he was the missing part of me. Don't ask me how I knew after that short time, I just knew we were connected. I never believed in fate until that moment. What else could explain it? it wasn't lust it was much deeper. I could feel it right in my soul. The love, so deep it felt like it had been there for years, waiting until I found him. He felt it too, he said he didn't understand what it was at first, said he'd never felt anything like it. What I didn't know was that he was in the army, he would be leaving 2 days later for Germany.
He rang me everyday while he was away. He came back a month later and the love was just as strong. We spent all of Christmas and new year together. I was blissfully happy. We were together until February. He finished it saying something about us not trusting each other. I didn't understand what happened and he wouldn't explain. It was like he was saying that's it, it's over, deal with it. It felt like walls shot up around him and no matter what I did I couldn't get in. I begged him to explain to me, begged him to take me back. I made a fool of myself in front of everyone but I didn't care. I just wanted him back or to explain to me why. I made up excuses to myself, saying it was because he's in the army so he doesn't see me that much and doesn't like being away from me.
The first time he came back again I begged him to take me back and he made me think he still loved me, then he left again without another word. The last time he came back I left it up to him and he made a move, he kissed me and it was like it used to be, it felt like he loved me. He asked me to meet him but I couldn't make it. I tried to tell him why but those walls were back, he didn't want to know. He made no other efforts to see me. He's gone back again now, I don't know how long for. I've been trying to make myself believe I'm over him but then someone will talk about him and I'll know I love him.
I feel so empty. I thought I'd found the person I would be with for ever. Now I don't know what to do with myself. I miss him so much. I would give up everything to be with him. He hasn't told me he doesn't love me, if he tells me that then maybe I'll deal with it, but he hasn't said it. So I'm stuck, not being able to move on because I'm still holding onto hope that he loves me.
I'm still waiting for him to come back to me and I'm so scared. What if I can never get over him? what if I can never love anyone else again? I don't want to love anyone else I want to love him, I want to be with him.
I'm lost without him.