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      I created my own heartache

     



I am full of envy and jealousy and my past still haunts me.


Two failed marriages and a longing to be loved by just one man whose eyes will not roam. I said to myself I have to learn to be alone, without a man to share my life. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I wish I could learn to accept the way I am on the outside for my heart is broken and I need it to mend before it's to late and my life feels at its end. I have to be strong for my children you see, I still want a normal life inside me. I let a fun thing end for I was trying to detach the pain I knew I would feel when my heart would not step back. He said he loved me, I told him he did not, he did take it back and didn't blink an eye. Even though I know he never meant that at the time, I guess I thought he would have at least said to me, I do have strong feelings for you but you know we cant be. I want to believe all the wonderful things that he said, but I do question it now when he seems so happy and I feel such dread. I am my own demon that holds myself back if only there were a miracle that could set my mind free of whatever it is that holds me prisoner to accept me.

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