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      My Indescribable Pain

     



I thought I had the perfect mother. We would sit and play games and talk for hours on end about everything and nothing. I could tell her anything and everything. She was like my best friend. I didn't think anything could ever come between us. Then, one day before my parents 18th wedding anniversary, I found out that my mom had been cheating on my dad. She had been leaving the house early every morning to go to this other guys house. I could not be mad. I could only be hurt.


A few days later, she moved in with this other guy. I didn't want to see him or have anything to do with him, so the only way for me to see my mom was to have her over to my house. It was not the same though. Things were different between us. It was like a wall had been put up and no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't knock it over. She would come over, but she would only stay for a little bit, and then she would make an excuse that she had to go home and go to bed because she was tired. But I knew my mom and I knew that she had never gone to bed that early when she lived at home. I was not stupid. I knew she wanted to spend time with her new boyfriend. Her way of spending time with us was to take us to Wal-Mart and buy us stuff, or take us with her to pay her bills. That was not the idea of quality time that I had in mind.


Eventually, I agreed to meet her boyfriend. He was nice to me and my brother and sister, of course, I guess to put a good impression on us. After that I decided to go over there just to see how I liked it, and to spend time with my mom. It was ok, but I still missed the way that it was before. I got used to it after a while and began spending more and more time over there. My dad just sat at home on the computer trying to meet women. I couldn't blame him though. His wife left him for another man. His ego must have been hurt. My moms boyfriend got a little too comfortable around us and began showing his true colors. I don't even know how it happened or what got it started, but he got into a fight on the phone with my sister and that's when everything started. He told us we were not allowed over there anymore and were not allowed to call. I really didn't care though. I was going to do it anyway. I guess he was just mad when he said that because the next day I called over there and he let me talk to my mom. Things were never the same again though.


Every once in a while we would do something to make him mad and he would swear at us on the phone, and we would swear back, and my mom would stick up for him telling us we had no right to talk to him that way. But she said nothing about the way he talked to us. That was like a slap in the face. Sticking up for her boyfriend over her kids? I didn't like the person she was becoming. And then for some strange reason he began calling our house harassing us. So we did the same thing back because we were not going to just sit there and let that happen to us. We wanted retaliation. Things got brutal after that. He would hang up on us when we called and my mom would always stick up for him and she never called anymore, and when we did talk on the phone she never had anything to say. We always got into fights and she blamed me for them. One time I had my friend on the phone and I 3-wayed my mom, and she didn't know my friend was on the phone, and she was calling me a bitch and telling me that it was my fault that we weren't as close anymore and if I weren't such a bitch and got an attitude adjustment then she would be nicer to me. She hung up on me and when I clicked over, my friend was crying because she felt bad for me. I was crying a lot harder though. I was always depressed and I could not understand what I did to make my mom hate me so much. I always thought that nothing could come between us, but I guess I was wrong. We stopped talking, and when we did talk, we fought. But we made up long enough for me to go over to her house on prom night for her to take pictures. After that things got rocky again. Her boyfriend still interfered with our lives. Then I heard at school that my mom went off and got married, but I didn't believe it. I saw her rings and knew it was true. I asked her how she could do without telling me and she said I wouldn't have cared anyway. I was so hurt.
I may not have liked her "husband" but I thought I at least deserved to know that she got married. It kept going like this. I would try to be nice to her and she would be all mean and cold to me and her boyfriend was right there egging her on.


It hurt too much that she could be this way towards me. I mean, I was her baby. The daughter that she always spent time with and did things with. And she changed... all for a man. My sixteenth birthday came and went and I didn't even get a present from her. She wished me happy birthday but it was cold and heartless. She told me that she was going to give me money for a plane ticket to Florida, but 2 days before I was supposed to have it, she told me she could not afford it, so my dad gave it to me instead, and the next day she called me up and told me that she had bought a BRAND NEW car. But she didn't have the money right? Yea. Things are still the same way now that they were before. We don't talk anymore. She hates me. She even told my 2 best friends that I was a bitch. I never thought I would be living my life without a mother but I guess you have to expect the unexpected. My dad has this great new girlfriend that lives with us now and she does everything for me, but still she cannot replace the woman who gave birth to me. No one can. But I'm not sure that I even want her back anymore. She has caused me so much pain and hurt that even if things got back to normal, I would remember all those months where she did not care about me.


My friends always complain to me because they say they hate their mothers because they won't let them go here or do this or wear that, but I tell them they are very lucky because they have mothers that actually care enough to look out for them.


On Mother's Day, I went to church with my friend, and I cried throughout the entire sermon because it was all about mothers. The part that really made me cry though was when this lady read a poem about good mothers, and at the very end of it, she said, "And for the fathers' that are a Childs' only mother." I broke down right there in church because that described my situation exactly. If I am in a fight with a friend or a boyfriend, I feel hurt, but nothing could hurt me more than what my mother is doing, and I know that if I can get past this, I can get past anything, because for anyone to have to live their life without a mother is one of the worst things that could ever be, and I praise those that have to do it everyday.


My mother chose not to be in my life, but I am the one that has to deal with it. Now she is away on vacation, but I don't know where. And I don't think that I will ever know where because I can't see myself ever being close to my mother again because I will forever remember all the pain she caused me. She is the only one who could not see how much she hurt me, and the only one that can do anything about it. I cry everyday for the mother that I lost because I miss the good times and I never realized how lucky I was to have her until she decided to walk out of my life and then blame me for it.

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