As the moonlight filters through the blinds I stare at the huge box on my desk with a mixture of awe and fear. This box is the coffin of our relationship.
It has been a long time since he left.... a long time since I had to hide the shreds of our failed romance in that box. It has been so long but I am still afraid.... I have tried so hard not to think about him, I had tried to banish him yet he walks beside me everyday. I walk through my life holding the hand of a ghost - I hold the hand of a man who treated me so badly that he died in my eyes many years ago. Yet I still love him, I always have done.
I had almost forgotten about my box, it was only a spring clean that had alerted me to the fact that it still existed. I had found it three days ago and now I was finally about to confront my demons.
I had drunken a bottle of wine and finally steeled myself as I lifted the lid.
Everything looked so innocent, champagne corks, cinema tickets, letters and cards. key rings, train tickets, a dried rose. This was all I had left of him and it was tainted by pain and grief. I cried bitter tears as I removed every item from the box, my mind was in a whirl - had we ever been that happy? where had everything gone so wrong?. All of my photographs were neatly stacked at the bottom along with my engagement ring. Could I bring myself to look at them? I didn't want to but in some kind of perverse way I need to see him again - one more time.
So there he was, his dark hair and dark eyes looking more alive than ever before. His smile was broad, he looked so happy. I remember taking that photograph, I had made him that happy. There were photo's of us together on holiday, at a friends wedding, on the day he asked me to marry him. We looked like a couple so deeply in love, the way we were smiling and holding each other. We looked as though our whole life has led up to those moments. It overwhelmed me, all of the hellish pain came flooding back. I fell to the floor, huge wracking sobs shaking my body. I wanted to die, I wanted to go back. I wanted the pain to stop.
Then it was morning and the strong sunlight woke me. I had slept on my cold bedroom floor clutching my favourite photograph of him. But I felt better, as I packed our life away for the second time I felt stronger - as much as he had ripped my world apart I had been able to put it together again. As much as he had damaged me I was able to repair myself.
Maybe I will one day look in our 'coffin' again but I know I am the strength and the good!!!!