I sit here listening to "Bring me to life" by Evanescence, tears are just running down my face.
I sometimes feel as if I am no longer breathing, and find myself turning the shower on and blowing toward the mirror, as to make sure I am still alive. Sadness overwhelms me, and I am trying so hard to see the light, but how can I when he was my sunshine.
I met him online 4 years in May, and what started out as a friendship soon blossomed to something much deeper. I always warned him not to fall in love with me, as I had no luck in love. When I think back now, I realize it was me pushing him away to protect my own feelings. I was terrified of being hurt again, and had made up my mind not to let another person within the chambers of my heart.
Though I was surrounded by walls I had built for my own protection, it didn't take long for them to come crumbling down.
We finally met, and I don't know how to describe it other than it was nothing short of heaven. Everything was as it should be... he was with me.
He was different than any other man I had ever met, and I loved him more than I thought possible. I left myself wide open, and funny enough I felt completely safe. He promised me that he would never leave me, that he would always be there for me, and I believed him. I really believe he meant it then, but destiny had other plans for us.
The distance made it difficult, but there were other issues that prevented us from being together. After a while it all got to him, and he gave up, but I never did. I never!
I talked to him a few months ago, and I know without a doubt that he still loves me, just not enough to take the chance.
As we sat there that night watching each other on camera, both of us crying and me trying to find a way for him to see what he is letting go of. Some say that I've been a fool, but I took a chance on love, and I found it. It was real, it was beautiful, and though I am broken-hearted now, I will never regret the love we shared.
I fought for our love, but it's time to lay down my weapons and surrender to the truth. Its over.
Heartache is painful, but letting go of what was your whole life, your dreams, that is beyond pain.
*I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
I've been alone all along*