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      My shattered fairytale


It was April 2000 that I met my one and only true love. I was 16 at the time and had never had a serious boyfriend. We went to the same high school and I used to play football with him and his mates but we never really noticed each other.

I was 16 and had left school to do a training course. He was still at school doing a GNVQ for an extra 3 years. I eventually started to go to town with my mates and meeting other people from school whom I didn't know. Amongst these were the yr. 12's and 13's.... He was a year 12 student and he also had a brother in year 13. They were really close and everyone hung out together.

We went to this club which was really popular at the time. Everyone was having a good time except me, my mate Gem was drunk and making a complete fool of herself so I was keeping my eye on her, like the protective friend that I am. I was stood at the side of the room, bottle in my hand, stone cold sober when I heard a voice say to me "you're quiet tonight". As I turned round I was kissed. It was a kiss which made my heart stop and the music and noise disappear. It was like we were the only two people around. After a couple of weeks we became official and after a few months we expressed our love for each other physically. I had never been happier.

Everyday I floated just at the thought of him and how happy we were. I hoped this feeling would never end. In July 2001 we went on holiday together with another couple who we knew from school. It was great. Neither of us had ever been on holiday without our parents before and so it was special for the both of us. Some days though it seemed like there was something bothering him and other days we were as close as ever, I honestly thought this was it, that we were going to be together forever. I never thought that feeling existed until I met him.

In October of that same year we were curled up together on his bed watching tv and I got the feeling that something was wrong. When I asked if everything was ok he said that he didn't want to tell me... I thought he had cheated on me. Some time later I jokingly asked "What, You want to break up with me?" He looked at me and apologised. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I stood up and my heart sank. I felt winded and deflated, Like the air I was floating on the past 2 years had been sucked out of me. I started to walk out of the room and he held my arm and pulled me back, I screamed at him to let me go. He couldn't apologise more. His mom came upstairs and asked what was going on. When I told her she didn't believe me. She said "don't be silly, you two wont break up". This is what everyone in all the time that we had spent together said. We would never break up, and here he was doing just that. His sister with whom I was extremely close with, tried to comfort me but nothing could help.

I felt weak, scared, devastated to say the least. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't love me anymore. I couldn't believe it. There was nothing I could do.

My work was affected as was my attitude to others. I became very defensive with people and couldn't deal with everyday work loads. I was a wreck. My supervisor was very understanding and I had a week off work to try and sort myself out. I even work with members of his family which didn't help. I was lost, it felt like I had lost my other half. From spending every single day together to not seeing him at all was extremely hard to deal with. I had lost, what I though, was my soul mate.

Afterwards, we continued to text each other and he called me and we spent 2 hours on the phone together on Christmas Day. It was nice, I still had him in my life. I last saw him in February last year (2002).

He's started University and getting on ok. We rarely speak now, and when we do it's just text messages to see if anything new is going on. He's been with his new girlfriend almost a year now I think. But still, when I hear his name mentioned I stop and think about what we had together and it makes me a little sad to this day. It's taken me a lot to try and get over the pain I went through and some even offered counselling to me. He was also my first and last and only that I was intimate with, and now I'm not sure I can be with anyone else. It has been over a year since I was intimate with anyone. I find it really hard to let people get close to me.

To this day I am defensive with people.

Until I recently met a man called Luke. He was aware of how defensive I am and we started dating. Slowly but surely I have let my guard down with him and told him all my insecurities. He has been completely understanding and took his time with me. He didn't even kiss me until he thought I was ready, and so I had to make the first move. He has been a complete gentleman.

But now that I'm really starting to like him, and I've told him, he has become the defensive one. He's told me he doesn't want a serious relationship, which is fine and just wants to get to know me better. He knows me inside out from the amount of conversations we have had together. I think he has been hurt more than he has expressed to me and is defensive because of it.

I still miss my ex boyfriend, but, however hard it gets for me and for you lonely souls out there.... there is still hope. I hold on to the thought that someday, not far from now, I will be just as happy as I was 3 years ago.

And you all will be, someday.



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