I met him at a time in my life where I had sworn off men. They were hurtful and time consuming; why bother? But the Lord knew better than me, and had been working on my heart.
For over a year, I ignored the opposite sex and chose to work on other things, like myself and my studies. Who needed a man? I was perfectly happy with plans to convert to Catholicism and become a nun.
But then he came into my life. My old youth pastor invited me to intern with the youth group during the summer, and as a way to start sharpening my leadership skills, he asked me to be a leader at their ski trip. He was paying for my travel and lodge, so I was definitely in. Once we were in Colorado, though, there was a shortage of boards, the only way I knew how to manoeuvre down the mountain, so I had to take up skiing. Two problems arose, however.
1) I didn't know how to ski and 2) one of the girls in my room accidentally took off with my right boot. While I waited for the girl to return to show me where my boot was, my friends took off to learn how to board, so when the girl did return, I was friendless and had no idea how to ski. He did, though.
Rick was sitting in the lodge, another leader in the group, and he offered to teach me how to ski. He was a wonderful instructor, so kind, patient, and caring. I noticed right off that he was very different from other guys. He had the sweetest, most intense blue eyes, and it wasn't long until plans for nun hood were set aside.
I let Rick in. I fell for him, and I let him into my once wounded, now freshly healed heart because I thought he was different. He was special, and he won me over. After only 2 months we knew we loved each other, and after 7, we were engaged. He made me so happy, and I would have done anything for him. The university I go to is 3 hours away from him, and I was planning to transfer for him leaving behind my friends because I loved him and had to be near him.
Where's the heartache? It's coming. Everything was going great up until a few days ago. We had reset a wedding date for next Sept, and we had just gotten over a very hard time together. I spent 2 weeks with his family in Canada, and I thought we would be doing fine. Then he dropped the bomb. He came to visit me, and he had some very serious news. He prayed before he told me, and boy did he need that prayer. For the first 3 months of our relationship, he had been cheating on me, sleeping with an ex-girlfriend. We never had sex because for me, premarital sex was not an option; sex was and is something too important, too sacred to be had sporadically. For our entire relationship, he had been lying to me. Who he seemed to be and what he told me he stood for was a lie. He would tell me that being cheated on was his number one fear while he did it to me.
And now I don't know what to do except cry and sleep. I like sleeping better because the pain and heartache isn't present. I hate facing the cold, harsh reality that my love isn't my love anymore. I hate facing the uncertainty of what to do. I know I should forgive him, and I already have, but that's just the beginning. Should I give him another chance? I know he doesn't deserve it, but my heart still cries out for him. I already gave him back the beautiful engagement ring because I know that even if I do give him another try, we can't be engaged.
I've lost something special, and it hurts. I never knew a pain that could hurt like this, and I never knew my eyes could cry so much. But I do know that life goes on, and that the suffering of others is greater, and that I should rejoice in the life that I do have, with or with out Rick.