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      Journal - She messes with me


I figured I would just copy my journal and let all of you decide:

This is where it begins; its 11:04am Dec 17 2002

My experiences in the last month have been more than interesting to say the least.
I've smoked more weed than Bob Marley, snorted enough coke to give tonny mantanna a headache
and slept more than Brian Wilson. At the end of it all I'm left with a girl that I'm not interested
in (other than the sex) that's calling me and giving her all to become to my girlfriend. No real job,
and a head full of thoughts. When's my break.... Me, I'm still trying to deal with Kelly. My beautiful
ex-girlfriend who still has me by the nuts. Even though I have only seen her 3 times in the month we've been broken up for, It's a daily battle between Love and Hate all mixed up with a bunch of
feeling sorry for myself. Weak I know. So from now on I will record my thoughts actions and
anything worth mentioning. Too bad I didn't start two weeks ago threesomes, nose bleeds, and hangovers
but I'm sure there is more to come so sit back and relax.~END~

Dec 18 2:40pm
Hurt feelings suck! I just got off the phone with Kelly. what a nice conversation...n ot
after only about 5 min she remembers that she has something important to do..! She said she was
going to call back. But why the fuck did she call in the first place. she knows I love her and I
would make time for her whenever she needs me. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe she wants to
know that I still Love her. but only when she is lonely. I don't give a fuck. I need a smoke and try
not to let it ruin my day. 11:22pm Chilled out with Dee all day long. Guess what another day of nothing
I was going to wait for Kelly to call me back but Dee convinced me otherwise. I'm glad he did.
I called her when I got in and got nothing but attitude so I was as nice a humanly possible.
I know that pisses her off. oh well Ashley wants me to do something this weekend with her
I told her I had no plans. At least I can still get laid. NEED SLEEP.~END~

Dec24 2:07am
I have not got around to writing but a lot of shit has changed. I was talking to Kelly yesterday(22) and
our conversation somehow went toward my relationship between me and Ashley. So after being told that
she was ok talking about it, I spilt the beans. I told her everything, that I was fucking her, that I didn't
really like her, I even let her read my e-mails from her. She told me that she had lost all respect for me.
That really bothered me. So like a dumb-ass I call Ashley and told her that I could no longer date her and
that I had no interest in trying anymore. Ashley tells that she hates me and never wants to talk to me again.
Fine my loss (yea right) now I call back Kelly tell her how brave and noble I am. She asked why I was calling. Ok
now both girls hate me....o r so I think. I go down..... ~END~


Dec 4:06pm
I cant remember what I was writing but anyway both girls hated me Ashley only for a couple of hours and
Kelly always did. Ashley still calls and writes all the time. as a matter of fact we are getting together
tonight! (don't ask) Kelly talks to me once in a while... when its convenient for her. I try not to think
about her if possible. Although the last 3 or 4 nights I climb in to bed close my eyes, and wait for sleep
to come *poof* Kelly. I spend the next two hours trying not think about her or anything for that matter.
I just don't give a fuck. How was my Christmas? pretty good I got new clothes and stuff. For the first time
I did cocaine with my younger brother. wait before you start yelling, it was his shit, his hook-up and his
$. I had nothing to do with it. Interesting to watch these guys think they are all "big and bad" doing a gram
three ways over the course of a couple of hours. I'm kind of glad he does so little, compared to some guys I know. same
gram, three ways 20-25min tops. Not like I would brag about it or anything, especially in front of DJ. Anyway its
crunch time, I have a cheque for $80 rent is next week and I'm about $300 short. I wish I could keep the truck job
and make enough in two days to pay the bill but it's not quite happening. Work sucks. Although it sucks more
having to ask your parents to loan the money to you. What's done is done. and next week I'll find out if my parents
are going to help me. Sean is talking more and more about moving. (If he goes I go) but I don't mind it here as much
as he does. oh yea Kelly didn't get anything for Christmas she told me today.... should I care? ~End~

Jan 2 9:27pm
Well me and Kelly are through! I spent hours writing a letter pouring my heart out and got
no response. I called her on new years, left a message....still nothing. I called her today and she didn't want to talk to me so I wrote her my final e-mail, she don't want to have anything to do with me fine!!! Have a nice life bitch.. she better not call me cause I wont be nice. Anyway I am seriously considering me and Ashley a chance. She might be too wild for anything right now but we will see. I need to get a job! From here on out I will be making real changes in my life, no more fucking around. I am my own man now and I really want to get things started in the right direction for me. Sean said he is going to talk to his boss for me. Umm. Rents paid so I have till Feb. but the sooner the better. Fuck why does love hurt so much? I need to get fucked up! talk at you ~END~


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