I was only a sophomore in high school when I had to move away. I never told him how much I cared for him until months before I had to leave, but those couple of months we spent together were so pure and sweet when I found out that Josh also shared my feelings.
Still I had to move away... hundreds of miles away, and after we did, we still talked to each other for five and a half years. Always fantasizing about seeing each other once again, we would always be making plans for that day when we would see each other again. We both changed over those five years; we both changed a lot, but that didn't change the love we had for each other. I loved him for who he was when I left him, for the man he was becoming, and the man he promised to be.
In the meantime, we both had relationships here and there, and with every break-up I wanted Josh more. Finally six years later, we found that we were now out on our own and able to make the decisions that would shape our future, but also we were broke. Still we managed to come up with what we needed to see each other. I am planning on reuniting with Josh this coming month.
However, Josh's heart was being torn. Two years ago he met someone else that set his heart on fire. He told me about her but he never said anything of his feelings for her. But I knew. I knew that a two year relationship was serious and I knew that she had no clue I even existed. I would have liked to throw all the rules out of the window for this love of mine which was anything but conventional. Still, the feeling remained, and I knew it to be true... when the girlfriend doesn't know about you, you are just the "other girl."
It pained my heart, but I did nothing about it because I was so sure that any word would ruin everything I built up with Josh over the years. I had come to make plans for my future with him. There was two months before my scheduled visit to him when he told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. He told her his heart just wasn't in it. My heart soared, thinking that his love for me was so great that he just couldn't be with her anymore, and I told him how wonderful that made me feel.
Things couldn't have been worse at that point. The day after he broke up with her he started having doubts. He still swore his love to me, but he still loved his now ex-girlfriend. I have only a week before I am supposed to go see him but I know this battle is lost. It was an uphill one every year we were apart. It was a losing battle and I am still fighting it.
I love Josh, and I just want him to see that. I want him to see that just because I haven't been able to be there for him physically, that it doesn't have to be an obstacle in our love. Because even though I live states away, it doesn't have to mean anything. I would do anything for him and go anywhere to be with him.
He is my first love and I want to be his last love.