I knew in an instant that he was going to break my heart. The reason is simply that I fell in love with him so deeply and honestly that I knew it was my turn to be hurt.
At Twenty Two years of age I had yet to have my heart broken. I had been in and out of relationships, some serious and some not, since the age of fifteen. I had fallen in and out of love twice, and when it had ended it had always been my decision. Headstrong, determined and maybe a bit of a handful - that was me. I went through a bit of a wild stage too, spending time with people who were not worth it. Then I finished college and went travelling.
I wasn't looking for him and although we met and became friends whilst I was abroad, it wasn't instant. We began a long distance relationship when I returned home after the best summer of my life. I say relationship but maybe friendship is more accurate. It progressed from there. He went from being an absent friend to being my world.
We did the classic long distance thing. Five phone calls a day, he came to visit me and I went up to him. Although he couldn't hold me in his arms I felt cherished and I lived for the mornings as I knew I was a day closer to being with him. It was the most special and profound time in my life. I thought life could not get any better until he came to live in my home town, and then everything fell apart.
You see, my feelings unnerved me. The intensity of my love for him overwhelmed me and I did not deal with it very well. Instead of him being in the same City making our relationship stronger, it made me demanding and selfish. When he was at the other end of the country I could accept he could not be with me, but I got greedy. Instead of appreciating our time together I worried about the time we had to spend apart.
Even with all this turmoil on my part, it was still by far the best time in my life. Yet it was never simple and when he decided to leave it broke my heart as there was nothing I could do but at the same time it did not surprise me. I had always felt undeserving of his love and in true self fulfilling prophecy style I blew it. That is how I knew it was inevitable. One cannot build a lasting love without suffering the pain of being hurt.
At the moment, and it has now been two and a half months, I am still hurting. I still miss him a hundred times a day but it is getting easier, and life is certainly less complicated.
We are no longer in contact and I do not know where he is. That is not my decision but I know it was a painful decision for him to make as he had moved his whole world for me. I just couldn't be what he wanted I loved him too much.
I look to the future now and although I cannot imagine ever feeling this way again, I know next time I may get it right. I have learnt so much.
I just want him to know where ever he is that I love him and I always did. I want to tell him I am sorry and I don't blame him. I made it impossible for him, he couldn't win.
He will always be my turning point, the one that made me grow up and look at myself. He will be the one that made me a better person.
Inevitable as it was to lose him, it is inevitable that he will always be in my mind and it is inevitable that I will always be the reason he made such a gigantic leap of faith.
About six month ago, I posted a story on this website called 'The Inevitable'. It was dedicated to the love of my life who had walked out on me a few months earlier. My story explained how I knew that it was inevitable I would lose him because I had never experienced heart break. I wont go into details but after he left my world fell apart. I still functioned on a day to day level but I didn't really work without him. I felt lost, alone and without direction. I had my friends and family but they did not fully understand the extent of the damage. I never thought I would find happiness again, but I have. One friend in particular was my light. He listened to my drunken ranting at 2am, he would meet me at a moment's notice and hold me as I wept. He was simply the only person on this Earth that came close to giving me comfort.
Well nearly a year after my break up, I can finally say that I have got my life back. This special friend never gave up on me and thanks to his support I am ready to put my heart on the line again. We fly off for a break in the sunshine in a few days, I am not going to make him any promises but our friendship is deeper than any 'love story'.
I just wanted to say that it is when we are at our lowest that we have the ability to learn the most and see what is best for us.
It is after we scrap the depths of our broken soul that we find what we were looking for.