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      Why can`t I leave


Hi. I am 24 years old and have been living with a guy for 2 years now. We moved in together almost immediately. I have known this guy since the 6th grade and have always had a "thing" for him. The thing is I never really knew him until now. I knew the friendly person that is buried under a lot of hate and anger.

I have always been one of those people who wants to help everyone but myself. I have always sacrificed my own happiness so that I could make everyone else happy. I always look for the good in everyone and think that I can change people. What I have realized is that some people just cannot be reached. Maybe it is because of the way these people were raised and maybe it isn't their fault. But I have learned that I cannot change everyone and they cannot change unless they want to.

I used to have low self-esteem and always lacked attention. So when I was younger I acted crazy to get attention. Becoming the class clown in junior high. When I was a Sophomore I met my "first love". I dated him for 1 1/2 years. I lost my virginity to him. This break-up really hit me hard. I was afraid to be alone and I made stupid mistakes of sleeping with a few too many people that I shouldn't have. I mean it's not way up there but it's more than it should be. I have friends who have been with twice as many people as I have. Anyway after a couple of years of making these dumb mistakes, I moved away and found myself. I found confidence and realized that I deserved so much more than what I gave myself credit for in the past. I stopped getting in trouble, I stopped partying so much, and stopped sleeping with people to get attention and love. I realized it wasn't the way to get anything but disrespect, not the respect I was searching for. I lost weight, looked healthier, and was so much happier than I had ever been. I finally moved back home after 4 years.

A few months after being home, I met him. The one that this story is really about. The first six months were great with him. But then he started showing his jealousy and his manipulative behaviour. The first time it happened, I didn't know how to take it. We went out to a club and he got sooooooo drunk he didn't know what the hell was going on. He just started calling me a fat, ugly, stupid, whore. He said things that I have never heard before. He said things that not even my worst enemy would say. I left something out earlier, he knows my past (of course he doesn't know my side and I'm sure there are some untrue rumours added into what he knows) and I dated his friend for a while but cheated on his friend with him. (6 years ago when I was young and dumb and didn't know anything about love) Anyway, I was so hurt I didn't know what to do, I walked around like a zombie for days and weeks. Now 1 1/2 years later. I have never cheated on this man or lied to him. Almost every weekend that type of thing occurs. He has hit me on 2 occasions and even pulled a gun on me once. This man has put me down, degraded me, pushed me around. I got pregnant and he pushed me while I was pregnant hard enough for me to hit the ground, while I was pregnant, he called me fat and ugly and stupid. I ended up miscarrying at 3 months. I don't know for a fact that his actions are the reason but I don't think they helped. This is a brief overview of the things he has done. It would take too long to go over everything. But the point is, he can't let go of my past and has no respect or trust for me. When I am ready to leave he says it is just his temper and he really doesn't think that way of me. But I can't take it. I know I should leave but I can't get myself to do it. I have packed and unpacked and left and came back and as much as I know the way he treats me is wrong, the thought of leaving him breaks my heart.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if counselling will help. If I leave, time may make it better but I can't get myself to get through that rough time because I long to be in his arms.

Help me!! Do I stay or do I go? Can he be helped or is it hopeless?


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