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      Stolid heart

     



I guess I'm jaded. I wonder sometimes if it's just me. Do we all at some point lose a piece of ourselves and the belief in true love after we get our hearts broken?


I've come so far. Just 8 years ago I was a loser without two nickels to rub together, but I was happy. As long as I had Jack it didn't matter if the mattress was on the floor and we could barely make rent. All that mattered was love and it was bliss. To make my story shorter I will quickly skip over the key tragedies: I got pregnant; He put me through an emotional roller coaster throughout the pregnancy; We placed the child with a loving stable family of our choosing; We made one last attempt at making it work; He left me for another woman and became a drunk; He came begging to come back into my life just as I was getting over him (8 months); He almost ruined my relationship with the man who is now my husband. There are other really sordid details, but I'll spare you. Bottom line the guy was a thief, liar and a drunk. He is now a recovering alcoholic who's tried to make amends.


I have not been able to love, really love, since Jack left me after the adoption. Something in my heart broke and can never be fixed. I thought that if I could make a relationship work with Jack that it would make giving up our child o.k. That it would mean I wasn't a total failure. I stopped believing in true love. The kind of love that doesn't care about money and possessions.


I now have a respectable life, position, responsibility. I want for nothing. I have an incredible home and a man who loves me. Every day of my life I feel like I am cheating him. I am cheating him out of the love he deserves. The love I do not have in my heart to give to anyone ever again. I have an emptiness and guilt. I busy myself with projects and people to nullify.


This will be one of the few times I'll allow myself to think about it. Now I'm done.


Thank you.

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