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      Still reaching for him


This story hasn't truly ended yet. But it begins to say that I met a man who completed me.

I met him at work and we were friends for a few months when one day he tells me he's had a crush on me since day one. The complications? He's 33, I'm 19. He's married with an 11 year old daughter.

At first, I was rightfully hesitant to even date him. We'd merely talk about his marital problems and my dysfunctional upbringing. I wasn't particularly attracted to him. He struck me as sweet, caring, and funny. We had so much in common. I never thought I'd fall for him, I was simply lonely.

As time passed, my guilt grew. I thought of myself as a home wrecker even though I continuously told him to talk to his wife and try to work it out. Unfortunately, love crept up on me. The way he used to look at me as if I were a wonder of the world. He was so tender, and romantic that my insecurities were swept away and I grew dependent on his attention.

One night I was at his house while his family were out of town. I looked at him and thought to myself, "Oh God, I'm in love with this man. I finally found who I've dreamt of all my life." This was the end of Oct. '00. I smiled at him and told him I was ready. Yes, I gave myself to him that night, heart, body, soul and purity.

He separated from his wife shortly before Christmas. She had found e-mails I'd sent him and he told her it was over between them. There have been countless melodramas since. In short, another woman moved in with him during their separation. I found this out 2 weeks ago. His wife has now moved back in. He claims it's for the sake of his daughter. I don't know what to believe any more. While he's bringing me out to dinner and talking about divorcing his wife to be with me, he admittedly, had some woman living with him.

He'd put me through 5 months of hell waiting around for him, being stood up, hearing why he can only make time for me a couple times a month. The stress led to eating and sleeping disorders which I'm beginning to get under control. I'm working and going to school, paying my own bills, and working on getting a car. I'm also planning ways to achieve my career goals through co-op programs. I've got my life together more now than I did with him, yet I still miss him.

I still love him. He'll always be my first and he'll always be in my heart, my hearts buried secret. Late in the night I still reach for him. Perhaps, I always will. I know he isn't coming back. I don't think I'll ever be able to completely let him go.

All I can do is hope that our paths cross again and that the circumstances aren't so complex.


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