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      Im letting go ren

     


I met this guy through Facebook while I was in a really crappy relationship with someone. And so was he, he added me because he really liked my cover photo, it was of a setting of trees and the city in the shape of a guitar with a blue background and the moon.he's an artist so it really spoke to him.we broke up with our exes around the same time and started to really get to know each other. And day by day as I got to know him better I started to lose my self control for him. I started to fall for this man.

He was like the ocean to me, every time we talked the tide would grow stronger and I would get deeper indulged into him. His mind, his heart, his smile, his soul. Wasn't long before he drowned me. I was hooked.I wanted him bad,I wasn't sure what i was doing or why,but i didn't care, I just wanted to be his.I wanted to belong to someone I thought was the most amazing human being I've ever met. I remember thinking omg where have you been all my life ?..how did I meet you?..what did I do to deserve such a blessing, being a woman who mostly just messed around in the past and only had two serious relationships. The only thing that was ever important to me besides family was my voice and my guitar. But there was just something different about this guy.But he wanted to take things slow and I respected that, I was into waiting, I was into the fact that he was so into me, and willing to get to know each other.One night while we were talking I slipped up and said I I love you lol, damn it was so lame and the next night he caved and told me he fell for me like a ton of bricks and asked me out lol, I remember squealing like such a girl soooo not cool but he thought it was cute. So we started what you'd call a long distance relationship. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you, he lives in Texas and I in New York. Anyways I'd never done a long distance relationship before, it just seemed futile to me, because it didn't make any Damn sense. I mean why would you be with someone who you can't physically be around.. but I did it anyway. Because I was in the deepest love with someone I've ever been in my life so far, and Damn I loved us,I loved us because of who we were together, we were a team. he was the first thing on my mind when I woke up and I was his. We'd keep each other alive throughout the day to give each other something to live for, we made things easier. We cared for each other,We tried to help each other change for the better too, and my connection with him was something on another level entirely. He could make me feel 100% of anything without being physically around me. He'd say things to me that I could only dream of, he could even reach my heart sometimes,one time I woke out of a deep sleep right after he massaged me, it was so scary how deep our bond was. We'd say things at the same time and some parts of our childhood is similar.at one point I loved him more than i love music and I have never ever been there with anyone before.He'd tell me stories and his dreams and aspirations, we'd talk about marriage, Shit I could even tell when he was drinking or high before he even told me lol. Both our younger siblings are the same age and virgin's. We were so fucking in sync, He was my best friend. "We" reminded me of ren and nana, if you know who they are, they're from a manga titled "nana"..ren and nana had the same deep love as we did. I told him about it,he'd call me nana sometimes, I loved that, that man once told me that I had him "re-thinking all the things he thought he learned", my heart sank to my stomach that night and ive never forgotten it since. But you know there's never a happy ending to any story except in fairy tales. Because even though we created such an out of this world bond.. it didn't mean we didn't have our ups and downs, lovers and mountains fall sometimes.

He'd insult me, we'd argue for days, he'd block me for days, till this day I'm not sure if he knew how much all of those things really hurt, he'd always assume things and act petty. He'd even say things about himself that would hurt, like when he'd call himself a Fuck up. I always hated that so much Because it wasn't how I saw him. "Sigh"Ya know when you're in love with someone you tolerate a lot of bullshit,Because I'd always take him back every single time.. despite all of that. I've never done that with anyone before. Because something easy Will never last but, something worth fighting for will, he taught me that and to my naive little suprise it didn't. We ended up breaking up , because he assumed I cheated and I spazzed and he thought he did nothing wrong, he said he couldn't do it anymore for various reasons, the distance,him always hurting me, my "unrealistic goals" he even told me my brain was screwed up and I was crazy at one point, lol me huh.I hated that side of him, but I took every piece of him because thats what you do when you're in love, you take the good and the bad.I wasn't letting go for Shit, but in the end he let me go. He gave up on us. After all of that, he broke up with me. And that strong bond we built, the foundation I loved so much, in the end it wasn't strong enough, those bricks fell in a completely different way this time. And he walked away from me. Just like ren went to Tokyo and left nana. After it was over, I forgot how much time passed but we started talking again and he told me he still had feelings for me and at first I was afraid to admit that I felt the same, but Shit, I couldn't forget the badass, smart,wise, Anime and music loving artist from Texas no matter how much I tried. But .. He took it back, he always makes me look like such a Damn fool.I thought he was the one, before him, I didn't even think soulmates existed, but he did. For a short period of time in my life, he did, he was right there. He wanted us to put God in our lives and get married someday and so did I. But now none of that will ever happen. I guess I'm just writing this right now to find some peace of mind, because it hurts more and more every day I realize I'll never get something I believed in so much back. Someone I invested my time, effort, patience, love, consideration and wisdom too. I'm not saying he didn't give me some of those things or he's a despicable guy. I'm just a hurt woman with a broken heart, but I'm still happy to have experienced what we had between us and I've learned a lot from both him and this experience. But I don't think I will ever love someone more than music ever again.it's not every day you find something so unreal yet the realist thing you ever felt. But it's about Time I let you go, if I go on like this I'm gonna go mad,baby you're not my forever, you were my moment

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