Allison's story of heartbreak and finding love
I met my first boyfriend through PlayStation in 2014, I admired him for some reason. He was 28 and I was 19. To be honest, he was attracted to me because I sounded "hot." He insisted on taking my virginity and talking "dirty" to me, so we did. He had no job, no life, all he did was stay home and play games all day. I was in my sophomore year of college when we met and I was having problems finding a major. I moved from North Texas to the Gulf Coast just to spend more time with him even though he lived in California. I started making him my priority, playing games daily and putting off school work. He judged me on my looks, my hair. I thought it would not effect me but it eventually did, I starved myself for days, exercised vigorously, just to please him. It was hard trying to like someone I never met or seen. Yes, he never showed me his face. I let him revolve around my life and my grades soon plummeted. I began skipping meals, skipping assignments, and screwing my family over. I thought he loved me. I never knew if I actually loved him. I pretended, I told myself I loved him and I believed it. I thought love was something I could just force myself to think, I now know this is not true.
Since I was doing online college and failing, I had to find a new college to attend in the middle of nowhere. I remember this event clearly. It was my orientation for the new college I was going to attend. I was at the campus for 8 hours and when I got home, I was fairly exhausted. Now, I was "dating" this guy and he was very persistent on our game "schedule." I told him I was going to take a nap, which was true, I was going to. A few minutes later, my fifteen (!!!!) year old friend messaged me about helping him farm for a money glitch, so I joined his game and started to talk to him. After about two minutes, I started getting phone calls like crazy from this guy. He told me that if I didn't leave the game and join him, he was going to end our relationship. At this time, I was very dependent, I had not found what it was that I felt. So, I left, even though my friend said that's ridiculous that he controls me like that. I immediately got offended. How dare he say he controls me. I was so brainwashed, I didn't even notice. Let's fast-forward to Spring Break.
In March, I was visiting my mothers house, since I moved to live with my aunt so that I may have freedom. I arrived later at night, I was exhausted from traveling across the state. I was having a neutral relationship with this guy, I mean, I felt like I loved him but I was just telling myself that. I learned later that night that he had been talking to other girls on the PlayStation Network. I felt this heartache feeling, not because I loved him, because I was being used. I told him about what I saw, since he was not responding to my messages and he told me I was overreacting to his messages of affection to other girls. After our fight, he began to call me like 200+ times and my sisters thought he was obsessed or some kind of possessive man. I assured them, he was just lovely. I do not know why I thought this in my mind. After I got back, we just argued and he became suspicious. He had changed the passwords to my Gmail, Skype, Twitter, and every social account I had in my possession because of a message he saw on my Skype. I never gave him my password to anything. He said that if I wanted to "snoop" around, which he gave me his PlayStation password, that he was allowed to do the same to mine. The message was from a guy who I played games with and I added him because the Minecraft chat was lagged.
In April, I found help. I started to look towards healthy eating and ignoring the negativity I was receiving from the "no-face" boyfriend. It was a daily event to get into an argument with him. I never once felt like I loved him, but I said it to make myself feel better. I was ready to make a positive turn in my life. I found an online school that had my major that I decided, English Education. I was thinking of moving to the college campus and living there, experience the college life,and friends and make memories. I was talked out of this. I remember him saying college was a waste of time. I wanted this, I wanted to teach children and make a positive impact on their life.
In May, I visited and got accepted to the university. I chose not to go to school on-campus because of this guy. I was not in love, I felt trapped like if I left, he would try to mess up my life and tell all my secrets to everyone who knew me.
On July 3, 2015, I broke up with him on and off for a week. Within this week, I met a very generous and kind guy in a chat party through my friend, Mason. He attempted to help me by giving me advice on how to get a stalker from messing with me. The ex-boyfriend was threatening to send pictures, messages, and information that would cause my family to think I was unstable or not able to live independently. He, my new friend, lifted me off my feet, he was there for me when I was; getting cussed out in a public party,having my secrets spilled, knowing about my past, telling people I was touched at a young age, he was there to tell me I would be okay. I needed that, I needed someone to lift me and tell me I would be okay without an asshole in my life. I thought to myself, wow this guy, barely knows me, just protected me and stood by my side when I had no one. A man, who barely knew me had taken the time to text me, give me advice, and motivate me to do something good that day. I knew from that moment that I didn't need a guy who brang me down, I needed him. After a month of taking, texting, and playing games, I knew I really liked him. I had to visit my mom in late July for my great-grandma's funeral. I was able to talk and text him the whole time and on the 28th, he subliminally told me he liked me. It was not until the 31st of July that he told me he liked me and he wanted to ask me out for a long time but he didn't want me to feel weird about it. It was amazing, I never had anyone ask me out before, he liked me for me. I thought I was never going to find someone who would like me for me.
Three and a half months later, we are about to meet in one week! On November 21st, we will have our first date, our first kiss, and we will meet for the first time. I never felt this way towards anyone and it is the best feeling. I never knew what love felt like but I know this must be it, I feel tingly and I want to smile every time I see his face. When he goes out of his way to apologize for something I did, it is amazing to see him everyday after I get home. I stopped playing games just so I could spend time with him. I fell in love and I realize it now, I would do anything to make this man happy. He is 21, I, now, 20. Love is something I feel for him, I plan on telling him when we meet.