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      Trying to Find Love

     


For more than half my life, I had strong feelings for a girl I met in Primary School. She had the most beautiful personality I had ever encountered - always willing to help others and always happy around others. Her kind heart drew me in like a moth to a light. But I never amassed the courage to tell her how I feel. I feared rejection and seeing her talk with more confident guys put me off even more. So I tried to forget her, and tried to move on.



Two whole years with almost no communication, I met another girl with a similar heart. We talked and as we talked ourselves to sleep at night on the 17.02.2011, we had officially become a couple. I admit I didn't actually love her at that point, but I grew to over the four years we remained in a relationship. We would only see each other at training as her parents didn't approve of her dating a guy at this age, and this long distance relationship became rougher as time went on. We would call on the phone for hours on end everyday, the voices of each other enough to sate our desire for each other since we couldn't go out. For 3 long years, exchanging love letters, origami and other gifts and gestures, despite our fights, I grew to love her as she loved me. Then Uni began..



As all my friends talk to me about Uni and whatnot, among those who came was none other than the girl from primary. Getting her message was enough to spark my old love for her and suddenly, after 3 years of faithfulness, I had lost the ability to love my girlfriend. By our fourth year it was getting too much for me, and holding the secret that I no longer loved her and the fact that we were in a relationship anyway was a burden I could no longer bear. But I didn't want to hurt her any worse and in my hesitation she discovered my true feelings. I had broken her heart. I was driven into depression, agreeing with all her anger-fueled statements about me to the point even she stopped and was concerned of my mental wellbeing. I refused to communicate with my closest friends and family. Later I pretended to get over it and everyonr assumed as such. Even to this day the pain of what I had done and what I had failed to do troubles me.



However, things with the girl from primary were otherwise going well, and the pain subsided for that time. I was going out with her and talking with her frequently. My heart beat fast whenever I saw her online on Facebook, and I would struggle to speak when I saw her in person - a rare sight for all my friends; I'm usually quite social. Overall I was somewhat happy - Despite the break-up pains gnawing at the back of my head, I was free to pursue her again. I could be happy with this beautiful girl I had been in love with for 12 years.



Alas, in Uni I meet another girl, a stunning brunette engineer like myself with a higher degree of intellect. She was unlike any other girl I had ever mey before and her uniqueness drew me to her. While annoying and constantly victim to the flirting of all the other engineers, we found much in common and became relatively close friends. Problem became that as I became closer to her I drifted from the love of my life, and suddenly, again, she no longer held that title. That position is now contested between the two of them.



I just can't choose! I didn't want to be like this, I wanted to have clarity and then commit.

But, I am not ready to choose not commit. And so here I sit, reflecting on my past love, and these two amazing young women in the hopes of one day I'll be with one. If only I could change this aspect of me. I wish that I could really love someone, because this whole situation makes me wonder if I ever truly loved any of them, or if I'll ever be capable of such a complex emotion..

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