Untitled - The New History, A Story Of Her.
Sitting on an uncomfortable edge, overlooking something I'd only seen about a million times before, somehow became observing something brand new, from my favourite spot on this beautiful blue and green Earth. I turned over and looked to my right, there resided a sight that I thought I knew, but something about this light? This time of day? Something, something was different, it was alien, she was now a stranger to me. Everything I believed that I knew about her, about everything, was just an outsiders opinion, everything I was about to know, was no longer opinion, nor assumption, no longer lie, nor farce. It would be the truth, the untold story, and I knew I was about to be a part of it.
All it took was the sound of her breathing accompanied by the sound of the ocean fierce waves crashing upon the rocks beneath us to create a symphony, a symphony of perfect noises in that perfect moment, a symphony of emotions, to forever immortalise that moment within my mind, my heart, my soul.
Holding her tight within my arms, whilst the wind compelled us to constrict, as I held her tighter, I could feel my heartbeat pulsating through the both of us, as if we were one whole, finally conjoined. It was a moment that could only be described as "Momina", a Zibu term used to represent full tranquility within ones heart, body, and soul, allowing a person to hear everything, but hear nothing all at once, opening your heart to hear. That moment of still peace, above the rocks and crashing water, with the person I knew everything, yet nothing about, that moment, was my forever.
So the continuation of a story poses many new questions. Staying up late at night getting to know parts of her that no one else knew, made me fall deeper and deeper in love with all that she was. Whilst I fell rapidly and dangerously, she stayed the same. She was scared of how she felt, I wasn't scared of how hard nor was I frightened by how fast I was falling, my biggest fear was induced by how I was fallingÖ Alone. The nights together talking led to more nights together talking and more conversations, they led to a confession, an ĎI love youí of sorts. I finally knew that I was ready, but I saw in her eyes that she wasn't there, Iíd skipped a page and jumped ahead all by myself. Which left me in a free fall, praying that Iím joined soon. My honesty inspired some from her, she had been in this position before, waiting, falling, and she was never caught, never fell with someone, she informed me quite hesitantly that it never ends well for the one waiting. ďI can live with that, I can wait and if it works, it works, if it doesnít, it doesn'tĒ. Can I really live with it? Or was that just my brain trying to cover my hearts mistake. Keeping her in the dark about my emotions was the right decision because we werenít at a point where we could say how we feel and know in our hearts and souls that it is one-hundred per-cent how we really feel and that this relationship is what we really want. she hesitates, she's unsure, she's scared, I've seen it all before. Which brought me to some thoughts, If I know it ends badly for me, why can't I stop my pursuit? If I know it's going to hurt me why am I letting it?
Is it because even after all this time, I still get some twisted kick out of that feeling of disappointment? It's messed up, there's something wrong with it.
She's fighting to just be okay with the concept of me, I'm fighting to not fall in love with every last thing about her. I'm battling myself to stop adoring everything that makes her, her. I'm at war with my pride, my ego, everything's crumbling and I can't stop it. If I'm looking for love can I find it here? Because I really wish that I could, here's where I want to be, hereís where I need to be, but I can feel that she doesn't fully believe me, she questions who and what I've done. She has every right to but is it due to a lack of trust or through something that was done to her by someone else?
Which brought us to 1:33AM on Saturday, the 20th June, 2015, driving home after dropping her off and I decided to drive home through botany to get some time alone for some personal reflection, and what I realised seemed rather grim at the time but ended up being something so insightful for me, at my age and at this stage in my life sometimes I even tend to surprise myself with my thoughts and understandings in life. I feel as though when she told me that I was different and that she wanted to show herself in her entirety to me and vice versa, that this is what she was referring to, my matureness and my thoughts, my mind and my heart and using all of these things, I managed to remember my previous understanding of falling for someone, which was this;
Love, or loving alone rather, can resemble driving down a dark, rainy road, being unable to see more that two feet in front of me. Loving alone can be like going somewhere dark and mysterious alone, and no matter how many times youíve been there before, say driving down botany road, Iíve driven down it more times than I care to count, but in the dark and the rain, it was still difficult, all the bends and turns, they were all alien to me. It felt like Iíd never been there before, itís difficult to try to guide and navigate myself, and nine from ten times, it ends badly, you may get lost, run out of fuel, crash and die, but thats just what this stage in the relationship is like in my head. No matter how hard I try to navigate myself, itís just the blind leading the blind. Theres speed limits on streets, just like there are in relationships, I speed up at certain pages and streets on my own, then I try to slow myself down and wait to see if thereís anyone coming, if sheís catching up to me, but then it hits me that thereís no one there and that that Iím waiting for nothingÖ I dont want to be waiting for nothing, I canít let it be like that with her. Sheís been here before, she knows exactly how it happens, she knows it ends badly. When she was where I am now, it ended terribly for her and she knows itíll end exactly the same for me, and that makes her feel guilty, makes her feel at fault. It makes me feel terrible for making her feel that way and it distracts me from what is going on right now, which is really all I care about. Iím not looking at tomorrow, nor am I focusing on yesterday, Iím looking at right this second, and in this second, I knowÖ I love her. The problem with that is that, now she knows too. I didnít think I could fall so quick after everything that Iíve encountered over the last four years but this could be perfect, I could ruin it all miserably, but I hope that I donít. When thereís so many bends, so many twists, turns, exits, how can we ever really be sure? At the end of the day, itís just you, no one else. I know that she knows, but I still wish that she understood and that she would not feel guilty but rather put in more energy into making this work. Trying to comprehend feelings is always more difficult than developing them, trying to combat such strong feelings is an adverse challenge and I just know that she deserves happiness and it makes her unhappy at the idea of me being upset over losing her after all of this, because she knows that there is a strong chance that I will. She deserves the world, she deserves a prince charming and a fairytale, is that me? I have no idea. Could I be? Possibly, I hope so. Do I want to be? Theres nothing I want more. I daydream about the moment that she calls me to tell me and let me know exactly what sheís feeling too and all I could respond with would be ďgoodĒ. Iíd be glad that we wouldíve reached that stage in the relationship.
But the best thing about growing older and learning more is that I can disprove my own theories, my new grasp of the concept is that, love knows no measure, love is love, you canít love someone more than they do you, you can demonstrate it more with words and gifts and social media posts, but true love isn't a competition, true love can only ever truly be shown during a hug, or a kiss where the entire world stops around you, itís been referred to as Ďfireworksí by others, and whether she's falling with me or not, I have every ounce of my faith poured into the fact that she feels the Earth stop revolving whenever we touch, I know when she kisses me that she can tell exactly how I feel about her without me having to tell her, I know that she has a better grasp of my mind and my thoughts than she thinks she does, and she knows that I wouldn't have it any other way. Falling fast isn't my burden, it isn't my cross to bare, falling fast my hearts way of telling me how right for me she is. Iím not known for going head over heels with people but I just canít control it with her, and as difficult as that sounds, there is not a single chance that Iíd trade that for the entire world.
Itís now 11AM on that same Saturday, I feel as though Iíve relieved some of the stress that I was enduring by letting her know how I feel and then writing about it. Iím not sure how long this will go for, but I am sure that she has already effortlessly encaptured my heart and that now a piece of her will live on in me forever.
So why would I go out of my way to write about how dark love can be when you're the only one falling? Because in my mind I constantly have thoughts running through at such high velocities that if I donít think about them as soon as they occur they drive me crazy then continue to shoot through. Thereís always so much on my mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions, figuring out how to correct things, figuring out how I managed to ruin it this time, arguments with me, myself and I, scenarios, how they went, how I thought they would, how I wouldíve wanted them to go. However, the point behind all these moments of darkness are to demonstrate that amongst the madness in life, there are moments of pure clarity and bliss, moments where I can write down what Iím feeling or thinking instead of actually feeling or thinking it. The way that I see my forever-girl is simple, thereís a bed, theres a woman, and thereís me. Only in my fantasies, this woman doesn't have a face, have I finally found a face to match the body? Could Iíve found Ďthe oneí at seventeen? If anythings possible, than is the concept of her and I really so farfetched? How can we know unless we try?
The concept behind this story is simple, I want to document everything that occurs in this relationship, I was under the assumption that I would write down the good feelings, the bad feelings, the fun times, the not-so-fun times, the thoughts, emotions, dates, laughs, but all Iíve gotten is perfection. When I tell her that she's perfect she never believes me, she always says that she's far from it, but she also says that she wants to know what I'm thinking, she wants to be inside my head, but if she was there sheíd see just how amazing she really is. What does it tell you when the only complaint you have about someone is that you donít have them around twenty-four/seven? That you donít have them forever? Whatís it mean when the only problem is that I donít have her beside me all the time, to hug, to kiss, to hold, all just because I can, to make her smile, laugh, she looks so beautiful when she smiles, I canít take my eyes off herÖ I canít take them off her as it is, I catch myself looking at her when she's not looking, I find myself getting lost in her eyes ó excuse the cliche ó whenever she is looking. I look at the photos of her on my phone all the time, itís as if I'm proud of her, or myself, or us. I look at the photos all the time and just become engulfed with this warm feeling of pride and just loveÖ LoveÖ Love.Love can be tricky, but thatís how you know that itís real. The only way that I can think to accurately describe our relationship is a term invented by Shakespeare himself, ďStar-crossed lovers," she's my Juliet, we both know that it probably wasn't meant to happen, but who can test fate? Who can argue with such a perfect occurrence? I feel so thankful and so blessed all the time, I feel as though Iíve been handed a chance to prove to not only her, but to myself as well that I can handle my own heart, my own emotions, and I intend to prove to her that Iím the right one, all of her doubts, her mixed emotions, her guilt, will just be replaced with love. I know I can do it, if I wait with her, let her figure herself out, be there to support her, and just love her, I know it'll show her that itís rightÖ Iím right.
So to stop veering from my original topic, the reason for this story is simple, I want to be able to read this, and give it to her as I update it, and I want us to be able to look over it whenever we have doubts, whenever we have questions, whenever weíre happy about the relationship, whenever weíre sad, I just want it to be here to remind us of how we feel, and remind us to keep pushing through. If she can warm up to the concept of me, of us, than I know that our parents, our siblings, or anyone else can too. The most important thing about that though, is not if anyone else can warm up to it, but if she can. If she can come to grips with it than it wonít matter if no one else on the planet gets it. All I need is her, last night when we were getting ready to take her home, she gave me a hug, the most embracing hug I've ever experienced, she held me close, she held me tight, and rightly or wrongly, I've never felt safer, I really felt like she could know me, Iím not one to keep secrets, I never have been, but I usually preserve thoughts and emotions within my mind unless I'm specifically asked about them, but with her, I just want to say everything, being wrapped up within her arms, her legs tied around my waist locking me down, even though she knows that I wouldn't have gotten up even if I couldíve, just being there, was perfect. Kissing her last night was mind blowing, Iíve never felt like that when kissing someone, Iím getting better at controlling my breath and remembering to breathe in general whilst kissing her, but Iím still a ways from where I need to be, itís difficult saying ďbreath in, breath out, breath in, breath outĒ in my head every single time our lips touch, but itís one of the things I adoreÖ I love, about her. I've never kissed her like that before, so passionately, so intensely, body to body, my heartbeat was pulsating through the both of us once again, although that wasn't the only thing we could both feel pressed on her, and thatís where the laughter began! From kissing to laughing in a matter of seconds, thats what Iím in love with. Sheís a friend, she's a laugh, she's a joker, her presence warms up a room, but lately, her presence warms up my heart. Sheís flawless without trying, she's so beautiful, so majestic, so mysterious, so special, all I can think about when I consider how much life would be if I lost her now is that, even after only even having her around like this for just one month, if I lost her Iíd die.Of course thatís overly dramatic and childish but it just demonstrates how important she is to me. I donít mean that Iíd die physically but Iím certain that emotionally Iíd be ruined, sure I'm resilient and Iíd bounce back eventually and I wouldn't be angry at her as long as she was happy but it just shows that sheís captured a piece of my heart and that sheíll be keeping it for a long time.
Thereís one simple factor in relationships that accompanies the trust, the faith, the hope, the potential for beautiful times and perfect memories, and that is love. Love changes everything, and love is all I have for her, and I know that deep down she's experiencing exactly what I am, she's just waiting to prove to herself that itís true.
Is trying to make someone fall in love with you the same as playing God? Is it trying to influence how they think, feel, act? Is it wrong to try and bring her closer to see exactly who I am? Iíve always been scared of who I was deep down, frightened by what I could turn out to be, but could showing her that dark, ambiguous side be what shows her the last piece of the puzzle in understanding me? I want her to get me, but at what costs? What happens when she gets to know me wholly and entirely and she decides that itís not what she was looking for? A beautiful mind can always be superseded by a tainted soul, a dark heart. I never thought myself to be shy of heart or lacking soul but what if I am? My definition of pure and pleasant could be her definition of better start running. I trust her to let her in but am I learning as much about her as she is about me? Through this document sheís been able to follow my thoughts, feelings, aspirations and my dreams, but it has only allowed me to re-emphasise how I feel about her and allow her to dive deeper and deeper into my subconscious and mind. She knows that she's always on it, she knows that she's my inspiration, she knows that she's all I require. To want and to need are two completely different things, you can want something and not need it, likewise you can need something but not want it, but I feel both towards her, I want her to be here all of the time and I need her in my life, in my world. Because frankly, she is my world nowÖ
When I think of her, I see that ledge, right next to the shipwreck, just the two of us, watching the waves crash, listening to the ocean, my heart beating through the both of us,ĒMominaĒ. No one else in the world but the two of us, I have her held tightly, nothing in between.
When I hold her, squeeze her, press her against my body, I feel like I'm laying under the stars, a natural embrace in that, it just feels right, it feels as though it was meant to happen, like my whole life has been leading up towards this moment in time and that I was born to do this, to be here, to be with her.
When I taste her lips, the soft, luscious, warm, inviting kisses, like an explosion. I feel so much raw passion and intensity for her, more than Iíll ever know what to do with. I feel as though I'm holding one of those stars, like I have all that energy on my person, I can tell that I wouldn't have that energy without the star, she is that star.
When I look into her eyes, beautiful, deep, brown, everything I love. Looking into her eyes gives me a mixed understanding of sight. I canít differentiate between whether I see the Sun, explosive, raw, intense, beautiful, passionate, magnificent, the Moon, mysterious, misunderstood, unscratched beyond the surface, or both.
She gives me so many emotions that Iíve never experienced before, although itís confusing, itís also beautiful, itís different, itís a magical thing, itís the reason why this will be the new history.
Time will bring travel, the two of us alone, in a foreign place, living together, a husky, a life together. I realised tonight how desperately my heart craves that, how badly my heart craves her. Whether she knows that she feels the same or not, I can tell her she feels and I know how perfect this experience will be for the both of us. It will inspire growth, understanding, transition and transformation.
In life there are many different pathways and avenues that one can take. Take the road less traveled, that the road most traveled, realistically, no one cares. I know this by simply understanding what I care about. Itís not about if weíre in Canada or not, if we have a puppy or not, if we begin our lives here, there, now, or later. The main point behind it is not the how, when, or where, itís the who, the main point is the Ďweí. The moral is that no matter where Ďweí are, or what Ďweí are doing, because as long as weíre together, as long as I have her, and she chooses to keep me, Iíll be happy, as long as I know truly in my heart that no one could make her happier, no one could make her feel like more of the princess that she deserves to feel like than I can, Iíll be happy. As long as itís the two of us, we can be against the world, and it wonít matter, because if I have her, nothing could ever be that bad. So thatís what I intend to do, to keep her, to let her in, let her see every aspect of myself and to learn about her, study her, what she likes, what she dislikes, how she feels, how she thinks, to analyse and study her in her entirety, because she's astounding how she is, she's beautiful, strong, different, and thats exactly what I needÖ Sheís, exactly what I need.
I met her in the morning, picked her up before work, we sat, we spoke, we laughed, we plotted. She would be home alone for the majority of that night and I would have to complete an assignment and she offered to help over dinner, I accepted without hesitation. After work we rushed to her home, ordered Chinese, and learnt about each other, we laid on the couch, put the T.V on, a blanket over the two of us, and she held on to me. She rested on me and fell asleep within minutes. Iíve never known what it was like to hold the entire world in my hands, I've never understood the feeling, the rush, the pleasure that it would bring, not until tonight. holding her was the single most fulfilling thing I've done in my entire life, it felt perfect, whilst she slept, I kissed her head, slid my finger from her nose up to the base of her forehead so as to relax her, she grabbed on to me as tightly as she ever had, nothingís ever felt more pure, more right. If I had to pick an exact moment that Iíd fallen in love with her at, Iíd be thinking for decades, falling for her didn't come in a simple rush of emotion, it came over moments upon endless moments, kisses, hugs, glances into her eyes, listening to her laugh, holding her above the crashing of the waves, and holding her again on a cosy couch, in her inviting home. Falling in love with her came to be as a consequence of her being the perfect woman.
Upon her awakening, I invited her to her bedroom to read this very story and after reading it she made a confession to me, with this confession came an epiphany, I had solidified a theory of mine about a very specific type of doubt.
Self doubt is a dangerous thing, when the only person you have in an argument to vote for or against is yourself, you find yourself traveling backwards and forwards, swaying from yes to no on a specific topic, for her, this topic was me.
She admitted to me that she always imagined me to be the perfect boyfriend. For myself, I always came up from not being good enough, which is a mentality that she shared, however, the thought of finally being good enough for someone petrified her, she was lost for words at the simple fact that someone could hold her as high as I do. She also explained that through me being the perfect boyfriend, I was someone elseís definition of perfect. I was most definitely confused as I didn't and still donít understand if that means that I could be her perfect as well. In her mind, Iíll always be the property of someone else, but in mine, in my own mind, Iíve been hers since day one. Does that count? Does what I believe change anything in the matter? I asked her where we stand, she was unsure. Not too many nights ago we were waiting in a drive-thru when a close friend of hers rang, when asked who she was with, she simply said ďa friendĒ, and then to me she suggested that I sit somewhere in between a best friend, and a boyfriend. Which led me to wonder where the line is drawn between the two? I pondered this notion for some nights, I would lay awake and ask myself how to get to the next stage, and more-so if i truly believed that I could.
The answer was simple, I could get there, I exerted nothing but confidence and I was completely positive that with time, caring, and showing how much I adore her without actually saying it, I would be acting so as not to scare her away. So in her bed that night I asked if I got a say, in reply, she asked me where I would place us, and I told her that if it were my way, she would be mineÖ Sometimes in life, all you need is twenty-seconds, just twenty mere seconds of bold confidence and deep truth. If ones were to put this theory into action, anything can be achieved, or so I had thought.
However, this bold confidence had led to one thing, I had discovered, not through kissing or holding her, but through her actual mind, she had openly told me that sometimes, I am everything she wants, WE are everything she wants, sometimes she knows that this is perfect, that I am perfect, for her. With this newly found knowledge though, I also learned that other times, she still thinks itís wrong and she still looks at me and sees her best friends little brother, her little brother. The devastation was prominent in my eyes, I could feel hearts breaking, I could hear cities crumbling, I could sense shattered dreams, emotions, tidal waves of darkness falling over the valleys, but it was okay. She had warned me from the beginning, she had tried to alert me as to the slim reality of what we were getting ourselves into and I had previously accepted her premise, hence she was correct and there was nothing I could do.
It destroyed her knowing that she made me feel that way but in life thatís just what happens. People are either built up by themselves, or others, just to be torn down, just to start anew. Heartbreak is the single and foremost thing that makes the human heart so beautiful, the concept of having your dreams pried away from you, just to rebuild them taller and stronger than before. She felt as though the information she gave me that night had impacted me much more than it had and I felt terrible for that, all I could think about was how I should leave so as to spare her the emotional turmoil, but all that would happen was that I would move closer, stroke my fingers through her hair, hold her tight and reassure her that everything was okay and that it would continue to be. Thats the funny thing about love, sometimes your heart can be selfish, even though you know that through the best intentions, you're causing, someone pain, you still canít walk away because you know how much joy they inflict for you. Just like all other things, love has a dark side, and the dark side of mine, loving too much.
So seeing as she could pull the pin at any moment in time, an emotional Kamikaze, I know that I have to make every second count, show her how perfect I really can be while I have the blessing of her company, her presence. Act so as not to make her feel guilty, pressured, wrong, just show her love, compassion, understanding, and try to teach her something about love while I have the pleasure of being with her, and thatís exactly what Iíll do. Whether I have her for another hour, another day, another week, month or year, Iíll make it worth it, and we will both either remain as one, together, cherishing each other, or we will have walked away learning something, maybe to love more, not to love as much, to experiment, to experience, to hold back, to fall faster or slower, or to not fall in general, to teach, to learn, to live, I want to be educational for her, this experience will not go forgotten or in vain, this experience will either allow her to find the love that she has been searching for within me, or it will lead her to finding the love of another, either way her happiness is key. She told me that herself and her emotions shouldn't be the priority and that to her mine were, which is why she can understand how trying to solve her problems is at the top of my list. She's more amazing than sheíll ever know and she deserves a happy ever after and she hates how kind I am about the matter but thatís just what a relationship involves, itís understanding, caring, trusting and loving someone deeply and passionately.
So I sent her the latest instalment while I was off school, with passion in my eyes and love in my heart but my advance spawned from her being sorely misread. With my gesture rejected I learned that this was making it too hard. However, I knew that this wasn't the case. This story is a display of my raw passion, my raw soul and my beating heart, it was beautiful, and I knew that she thought that too. The story wasn't making things difficult for her, it was me, I was making her life miserable by just being a part of it, but I couldn't help itÖ Or could I? I thought about this concept extensively simply because I care so much about her. Maybe Iíd been wrong to pursue her? Maybe she was right? If she was, why couldn't I accept it? I've never been one to quit, to give up on someone, but what if she doesn't want me to chase, to fall, to care, to love? What if every second that I continue to adore her for just places holes in my heart and guilt in her stomach?
All I could think about was the Flutterbies. The raw feeling she put in my stomach when we spoke, the taste she left on my lips when we kissed, the intense grip I learned that I had when I held her, the immense pressure I felt to get closer to her when I looked into her eyes, the dark side of the moon that I was discovering when I loved her. All these things built up on my mind, passed through my hands, onto the keys and into the story. All these things that built her up as the perfect woman, the one my heart yearns for, the one I need, the one Iíd die without, the one I was about to lose.
Loss gives people a reason to continue fighting. The concept of starvation inspires people to work, to earn, to make, to spend, to use. The perception of love being able to be lost compels people to treat every day like their still trying to sweep someone off of their feet so as to never lose that initial emotion of desire and hope and trust that things will always be okay.
For me, the concept of loss burned. If someone truly deserves something, how could it be taken away from them? If you work hard for something, why should someone else be able to steal it? If you capture the heart of another, and you donít play with it, you stay truthful, faithful, open, understanding, and love them above all, why should you not be able to keep that heart and continue to hold it close to yours?With all of this, one would assume that maybe the world was a perfect place, but all the ifís in the world couldn't change a thing. No matter how well you treat someone, how much you love them, care for them, need them, sometimes, theyíre not meant to be your Ďforeverí, they were just supposed to be you Ďfor a little whileí. Which is perfectly okay, any time spent with someone that you love is time spend well, any time spend with a person that cares for you, whether they continue to care with a label, they stop and you lose it all, or they never stop caring about you no matter what, is time spent better than spending it any other way.
All my life I've believed, I've had moments where my faith was tested but I've always believed, believed in love, in God, in the right we all have to happiness, our universal right to life, but I've never believed in anything more than the concept of Ďthe oneí. Being such a firm believer in this notion means that everyone has the potential to be a lover, but only one has the potential to be THE lover. Meaning that you can leave no stone unturned and that you must spend your life searching because if you donít, although youíll never know what you were missing, you'll be forced to live with a void, a void that can never be filled alone, and no amount of alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, or fighting could ever fill. Could this be the opportunity that weíre passing up? Weíll never know unless we try. What are we missing out on? Thereís absolutely no way to tell without testing the water. The question is, will we test it?
Thereís something beautiful in gaining love, something worth learning in losing that love, but thereís something far greater than both in maintaining and keeping that love that you have for someone and waking up every day knowing that you have the pleasure of feeling that way about someone and the blessing of knowing that someone feels the exact same way about you.
This being a new history, a story of her, means that it canít be retrospective, no aspects of my past will ever be incorporated into this piece of my writing. However, with that being said, it should be noted that being in love knows no boundaries, whether we were friends before, practically family, whether we continue to care for each other like we do now, like we used to or we choose to remain how we are and continue towards being lovers in the future, the love will have still been there and will still stay there. Love is like energy, it can never be destroyed, it can only be created and transformed. Our love was created with a bond, she was something else to me, it transformed into what was when we started falling, and transformed again to what it is now that I free fall alone, and this love will continue to transform, whether it reverts back to the relationship that resembles being brother and sister with just a hint of ďwhat if?Ē, whether it carries on to Canada with our husky, and possibly kids, or whether I lose her all together and all the love is diverted to the past and how things used to be before I pushed for too much, weíll never know until we try, only time can tell us the rest of this story.