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      Leave me nothing but confusion


Back in 2009 or 2010, I'm not quite sure, but during summer time. My guy cousin started to hold my hand when we were watching a movie and at that time we both were so young not quite sure about the situation. I feel like what is going on, why did he hold my hand and I start to wonder why then I decided to chat to him asking about the whole situation. I asked him "Why did you hold my hand?" and my intention was not like I don't want him to, I was so happy about the situation but he not. At the end, he said "Sorry" with all the excuses. After that, we did not talk for one year for no reason like I know why we did not talk but it doesn't have to be this serious but I guess it is how it is.

Fast forward...

Recently (June, 2015), he started to act weird again because we have to share a room together. What happened was during the night, I was asleep somehow I felt like someone is touching my hand, then I realized that it was him so, I just stay still because I want to see what is he going to do. He starts to play with my hand and touch my arm, then I just turned my back and forget about it and ignore it.

And the next night, he started again, this time he really tries to like really holding hands. So what I did is just turn my back, but then when I turn myself again, he tries to hold my hand again. I was very confused, but I never mention or say anything because I don't want to be awkward around him and not talk like the last time. So, I just ignore it.

The following night, we kind of tipsy because we went out party with other cousins and friends. Then, when we got home, we just get ready to go sleep because all we want is to sleep after drinking. Then, he starts to put his hand in front of my face because we sleep head to head, then somehow alcohol get inside the truth come out I kind of touch his hand and then everything came back again the feeling I used to have came back x10 times more. We hold hands and play with each other hand, then when I turned my head to look at him, he kind of pull me to him after that he kissed me. I was shocked, but I go along with it and to be honest, I really enjoy the moment we shared that night. After that, we continue to be like that hold on and kiss the next night and the night after.

After the few nights, he decided to end it and I agreed because I don't want to hurt people around me so does he. Hence, we come to the conclusion that we will stop doing what we doing. However, after we talked about it. He still comes close to me and try to touch my hand and I don't understand him and I really don't want the hold hands and kissing to stop. I really like it and I enjoy every moment we share during that few days. It is a short period of time, but I really appreciate that happen.

I think it is a very boring story to tell, but it is very happy and painful story for me share. Why I wanted to share because I got no one else to talk to about it. And I really want everything to re-live, so that I can enjoy that moment again. Everything keeps replaying in my head and left me to smile, tear and pain.


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