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      Living with the pain abortion causes


I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I had been together only 3 months. He was 6 years older than me and he had 2 kids by another woman and his youngest wasn't even 1 year old yet. When I told him I was pregnant he didn't say anything he just looked out the window. When I brought it up later he said that there were other options like abortion and adoption. So it's like either way he didn't want it. He told me that we shouldn't tell anyone that I was pregnant so um..... it beats me how we were supposed to have adoption as an option considering that people would have to know that I was pregnant unless I lied and said that I was getting fat.... I mean come on know what I mean?

I had my abortion on August 13th 1998. It's a date I will NEVER forget. My boyfriend didn't come with me to the clinic... he said he had to work. So his mom went with me. At the time I didn't think anything of it but now I wonder if she came not for support but because she didn't want me to have the baby and wanted to make sure that I went through with it. Read on and you'll see why.

I remember having to wait a long time and when it was finally my turn I wasn't even nervous... I guess I was to numb to be. I now wonder why his mom never asked me if this is something that I was sure I wanted to do. All she said was that I should keep a journal on how I feel so that I can read over it later and know that I made the decision I thought was best at the time. I remember looking to my left and out the window I could see protestors. I was so numb that it didn't even click that they were out there protesting about what I was in there doing. I just looked around the waiting room. I don't know what I was thinking. I remember when I was changing into my gown I looked out the window and the fresh air was blowing. I remember taking a deep breath and thinking that I would just have this abortion and things would go back to normal. That's what I honestly thought cause I felt like I was broken when I was pregnant. Like I needed to be fixed. I opted to go to sleep for my abortion, which by that I should have known that if I was to afraid to be awake, I shouldn't have been having an abortion. I remember the doctor saying I would be asleep soon. Then they were just talking amongst themselves like what they were about to do was NO BIG DEAL! Out of the corner of my eye I could see a doctor standing there looking at me. I was crying. Looking back I wish I had of jumped up from the table and said "NO I CHANGE MY MIND. I WANT MY BABY! I WANT MY BABY!" But I just let myself fall asleep and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for that.

I woke up calling out my boyfriend's name. I think that deep down it bothered me that he wasn't there for me. After the clinic his mom took me to her house and he came over a little bit after that. (short day at work huh?!) I didn't even want to look at him. He asked me if I was ok and at first I didn't answer him. He asked me again and I answered him only cause I wanted him to shut up. Later on in November ON MY BIRTHDAY the mother of his kids called his house to talk to him and I answered the phone. I found out he had told her about my abortion and she started saying all this crazy stuff like he didn't want the baby and he never made her get an abortion and all this stuff and I felt so betrayed that he had told her about something so personal. After that it was all downhill. I got so depressed and bitter towards him. But now, 4 years and quite a few tears later, I'm starting to heal. I've taken a post-abortion Bible study class called H.E.A.R.T (Healing Encouragement for !
Abortion Related Trauma) which you can find out more about on the H.E.A.R.T. board. and I have forgiven the father of my baby. We have started to talk about what happened and know that we were both responsible for the abortion now. It took a long time for him to admit that he had anything to do with it. My anger and bitterness about it is gone, although I still have those days which is only natural. And so now my goal is to help other women which is why I started this site. Not only do I want to do that, I want to bond with all women who have lost a child through abortion. If you have had an abortion and need an understanding ear, please feel free to email me anytime!


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