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      My First Heartbreak


Those words you said "I want to remain as friends" and "I knew you liked me for a while" took me by surprise. I didn't know what they until a couple of hours later when I finally collapsed under the weight of my own heart. Listening to the song "Because of you" by Kelly Clarkson brought me to a silent sob. Googling "how to deal with rejection" told me to not blame it on myself, to find flaws in you so I can remove you form my pedestal and to keep my distance. But I can't help blaming myself. I can't find flaws in you no matter how hard I try. You ask that this does not come between our relationship and at this point I'm willing to do anything to keep you by my side and make you happy so I can see you smile (which will only make me fall for you harder.) I considered overdosing or getting drunk but I'm too much of a coward. (Help me.) My first heartbreak. You are so cruel, how can you ask of such an impossible task unknowingly tearing me apart. I feel worthless, broken, weak and pathetic. What do I do? Am I a fool to love you? I read all your actions fat too deeply. Why did you play along if you knew I liked you? Why did you spend more time with me? Why did you always ask me where I was? Why did you make me feel like the happiest girl in the world? Why did you put your face so close to mine? I want to learn from this experience and I want to move on. But every day I will be reminded of what I could not have. I envy all the couples I see roaming the streets. My chance was dashed right in front of me. I've never felt like this before. I expected my heart to hurt in inexplicable ways. But instead I don't feel whole, I feel like you took a piece of me and kept it with you. I'm grateful that you didn't tear it apart of gracelessly throw it away. I'm thankful for that. However you chose to take my heart and keep it with you without ever acknowledging it. What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Does my body not please you? Do I lack in looks? How can I fix it? This will be the first of my many heartbreaks and I already feel like I'm lost. Please take care of my heart and raise it to be strong. I need love, someone please hold me. I dont know if what I have for you is unconditional love. I wish I can say "I hope you find the one" but I can't and I hate that I can't do it. I was so foolish to believe I had a chance. I hope time can erase these beautiful memories with you. Perhaps I'll cherish them instead. Where will our relationship go now? Why did you play with my heart? I dreamed a relationship with you, I literally dreamed that I was hosting a party at a mansion. I went up to you (you were with a couple of your friends) and asked you out. You said yes. We hugged. My arms looped around your neck. I can still feel the ghost of your warmth, your soft body, the euphoria. Then I woke up. I was a fool. Because of this, will I become too afraid to fall in love? I know that I've learned to never ask someone out. It's fucking terrifying. I hate that I spent so much energy on you. I feel empty. I wish I was anybody else but me at the moment. Did you tell all your friends about my foolishness? I bet they're laughing right now. I showed you to all my friends, I really thought I had a chance. Today during lunch I asked if you were going to find me later to give me a response to my confession. You held me close. You smiled. (How could you manipulate my heart like that?) I thought it was a definite yes. Instead you said you still wanted to talk to me. That same afternoon you broke my heart. How can someone that makes me so happy also bring me so much pain? Just seeing your smile during lunch made me so happy. Maybe I read too deep into your behaviour. I'd do anything for you. Now I need to learn how to live without obsessing over you. It fucking hurts to know that there may be someone else in your heart One day you'll have someone else in your arms, and it won't be me. Why did you treat me with so much kindness? I'm so sorry I didn't call you when you told me to. I'm a coward, I was scared to talk to you. Perhaps I'm too young to comprehend love. I really hope I will find the one. I suppose my biggest fear is not being able to find the love of my life. My contacts are dry from crying. My makeup is wiped off by my tears. I was hoping you were going to be the one. I dreamt a future with youa far future. I was nave. I was foolish. I got carried away. I'm in love with you, you just want to be friends and I'm totally cool with living with that constant pain. I'm terrified of rejection more than ever. I regret so much. Why did I let you become my happiness? How could I let myself fall in love so hard? Why do I not hate you for breaking my heart?


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