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      An Open Letter to My Ex

     


My life looks perfect right now. I知 a nationally ranked collegiate debater. I知 getting really good grades at one of the best colleges on the West Coast. I知 about to start studying for the LSAT. I致e been in touch with Georgetown Law School. I知 so busy that I hardly have a moment for myself. I have fantastic friends and an amazing family who love me very much. I致e been told I知 fairly popular. I love my major, I have a wide variety of interests. I have an enviable wardrobe, and I think I知 attractive. I知 smart. I have a 吐an club of boys who want me, and I want nothing to do with any of them. I know what I want out of life. I知 planning a post-graduation trip to Florence and Rome. The world is mine for the taking. This isn稚 to say that I don稚 have flaws. I知 stubborn and often stressed, which can make me grumpy. I have a tendency to be cold and distant. I知 cunning and ambitious. I can be hard to get along with. I tend to be judgmental and critical of my peers. Yes, my world is wonderful isn稚 it?

What you don稚 know is that it痴 11 pm on a Saturday night. I should be out with my friends at a party, flirting and living life. But instead, I just got back from seeing the play on campus, by myself. I知 alone, in my pajamas, with the door closed while my suitemates and friends are in the living room laughing. And I知 alone. Why should someone who痴 on top of the world be alone on a Saturday night? It痴 because you致e destroyed me. You ruined me, and I have to find a way to recover. My friends and family know some details. Hell, I got up in front of a group of people and told them how you manipulated me and played with my emotions. How you questioned my motives when I painted my nails. How it was ok for you to go get shit faced at a party but I couldn稚 even go out because I知 a girl and it痴 different. How you don稚 want other guys looking at me like that. How my friends and family wanted to use me and how you were the only one that truly cared about me. How you insisted that we Skype every night but then wouldn稚 say anything, but I couldn稚 hang up because we had to talk, even though you would text me the moment you got up until you went to bed. How you acted after the breakup. How you told me that I had to pick where I went to law school from a list of places you wanted to live. How, even after it was over and you moved 3000 miles away, you would not give up. You wanted to be together forever. When I set limits you would break them, and continue to whine and complain about how miserable you were. How you came back to my hometown and wanted to hang out. How me ignoring your calls and texts wasn稚 a big enough hint. What I didn稚 tell them was how you ruined me.

How am I ever to have a normal relationship when all I know is controlling and manipulative? Jon keeps telling me that I have to go out and meet people and have fun, be fun to be around. I know he痴 right. I know he痴 right when he tells me that I reject myself before I allow anybody else to have the chance to. I know I need to be out socializing and having fun, but I can稚. You ruined me. I don稚 know how to flirt without being afraid that I will carry what you did to me into something as simple as a conversation. Jon doesn稚 understand how afraid I am of being with anybody right now. Not because I think they値l treat me like you did. Because I知 afraid that I値l carry things over from being with you. They won稚 understand; they値l be frustrated and I won稚 be able to tell them that it really isn稚 them, it痴 me. I did the hookup thing twice after you, and I didn稚 feel anything. Not a thing. I don稚 want to do that to someone else. I know what kind of man I want to be with. But am I ready for him? I don稚 know. He痴 older than me by a few years. He has bright blue eyes, dark hair, a chiseled jawline and the perfect amount of scruff. He痴 64 and he痴 beautifully toned. He has the same sense of humor as my dad. He痴 Catholic and he痴 intelligent. We have the same values and we want the same things out of life. But I can稚 be with him (whoever and wherever he is) until I know that you can稚 hurt me anymore.

Do you know that I want to get my CCW? I致e wanted to get one for many years. I dreamt of the day that I, permit in hand, would go with my dad to Cabela痴 and pick out the one that I wanted. I wanted it as a way to protect myself from the many dangers of our world. I wanted to exercise my right and freedom to have a gun. Now I want it because I知 afraid of you. What will you do to me when I知 home? Would you be stupid enough to break into my house? To try and hurt me and my sisters? Would I have to protect us from you? I don稚 know. And I知 afraid. And my poor sisters don稚 deserve that. They hated you. It breaks my heart to think that I treated them, so innocent, poorly for you. You are not worth it. So if you tried to hurt them, I壇 have to defend them. That is something I never thought would be a real fear for me. Emily and Miranda have suggested maybe I get a restraining order. But is that necessary? For all I know you could have forgotten about me, don稚 care that I知 writing this, don稚 care that I知 hurt and afraid. But I don稚 know that that痴 the case, and I知 inclined to believe that it痴 not.

After all this time. After all the talks with Miranda. After all the talks with Emily, who was been the best friend I could ever ask for. After all the talks with my mom. After all the talks with Maddy. After telling my story in a public place, in front of my classmates. I知 still afraid of you. And it痴 vague as to why. I can稚 pinpoint in. I know you ruined me and that I have to take the time to heal and recover. I was looking at a picture of Prince George being held by Kate Middleton. He was hugging her and leaning his little head on her shoulder, the look of utmost adoration and love in his eyes. And I thought, that痴 all I want. I want a little baby who will love me unconditionally. A little person to take care of in my own house with a loving husband and lots of money. Pepper is the closest thing I have to that right now. I think about how things would be different if I had stayed with you. I don稚 think I would have gotten to NPTE last year. I think I would be engaged and unhappy. I would eventually have my little son who loved me no matter what, but the thing that disgusts me is that he would be part yours. I couldn稚 subject any son of mine to being anything like you. And with a baby involved, it would be harder to leave. You knew that. You wanted to elope that night I came back from debate camp so I would be yours. You told me you hoped that I would get pregnant so part of me would always be with you.

You are disgusting. You are psychotic. You ruined my friendships. You are fat and hairy and sweaty and you drool when you kiss. You are not attractive to me. You have made me lose confidence in my ability to have a normal, stable relationship. You have made me afraid of men, and that is something that men as a whole do not deserve. I have lost weight, and my butt is flatter. I知 glad of this because you loved my butt. I cut my hair, I知 growing it out. I致e pierced my ear, I致e toned up. I wear more and heavier makeup. I style my hair every single day. I dress better, I wear a full assortment of jewelry. I do these things because I like to. I like to look like I stepped off the pages of a Banana Republic catalogue. I enjoy being nicknamed Nancy Reagan by my debate coaches. I want to be thought of as a class act, and that is something that I could never do with you in my life. I finally had the courage to delete you from Facebook, from Skype, from Snapchat, from my phone. I could have any man that I picked, but right now, I would be afraid that he doesn稚 want me. That somehow, I am undesirable. You telling me that nobody will ever love me like you did affected me more than I let on. I think it痴 true sometimes. But I also know that you didn稚 really love me. Hell, you probably never loved me. You were obsessed with the idea of owning me, of me being yours. Like I was a possession and not a person. I know what it痴 like to be objectified because of you. Nobody understands this, and nobody will unless they致e been in a relationship like this. Nobody deserves to feel like this. Nobody deserves to be told that their faith is wrong and bad. Nobody deserves to be told that their interests are boring.

Do you know what my favorite color is? Did you ever know? Did you ever bother to ask why I am so fascinated by Anne Boleyn, by Elizabeth I, by the Tudors? Did you ever ask about my trip to London? Did you ever bother to listen to my family痴 story, which is extremely important to me? Did it matter to you the story behind my grandparents, or did all you want was their money and land after they died? Did my father having cancer ever matter to you? No. None of it mattered to you, because it was all about you, all the time. It was always what you wanted and how you wanted it. The presents, paying for dinner, the flowers. It was all a ploy to buy my favor so you could ultimately get what you wanted. I知 still not sure what that was. It was always you whining and me having to comfort you. It痴 like you never left being a toddler behind. Don稚 try to use having an anxiety disorder as an excuse for how you treated me. Don稚 try to tell me that there were good times. Sure, Disneyland was fun. It would have been more fun if you weren稚 swinging between pouting about something or being annoying and overly affectionate and smothering. Whenever I remember it I prefer to pretend I was by myself and you weren稚 there.

All you ever wanted to do was have sex. That was exhausting. And it was never that good. You have a small dick and I hope someone tells you that to your face. I lied when I said you were bigger than Rob or Dumbass. Like seriously, the sex was never good. That痴 probably why I知 indifferent to the whole thing. Will I ever enjoy it again? Did you ruin that for me too? We never got to watch movies I wanted to. And when we did, the one time, you texted through the whole thing. It was my favorite movie and you couldn稚 even try to pay attention because you didn稚 pick it out.

I should have listened to literally every person ever when they said to break up. Really, we never should have gotten together. Ever. I wish I hadn稚 gone over to your house that night to hang out. I wish I had left you hanging because then none of this would have ever happened. I wouldn稚 be afraid of what would happen. Would I still be shy? Probably. Would we be making jokes about how it would be easier to get NPTE points than to get me laid? Maybe. Would I be afraid of doing something so harmless as flirting? No.

I might get flack for this. I might get a lot of flack for this. It値l probably piss people off. But my story is important. What I have to say matters. If there are people out there that give me a hard time, fine. Let them. They don稚 understand. If people want to defend you, then fine. They can. They can say there are two sides to every story, that maybe I was a bitch. But they don稚 matter to me. What does is that I have said what I need to say. That I am doing this to heal. That hopefully someone will learn from me. Hopefully other people won稚 let themselves be treated as poorly as I let you treat me. So, my ex. There it is. There is how I feel. There is what I think. And you know what? I think I知 less afraid.

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