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      My heart hurts

     


Hopeless…unimportant….overwhelmed…lost…destroyed…afraid…meaningless…forgotten…broken…bad…undeserving…not good enough…bad mother…unwanted…wasted…



My heart feels broken. It has been broken for a long time. Getting up is a task most days. Somehow I manage to get up, but what for? I love my son. I love my husband. I miss my daughter. I don’t understand what I’ve done so wrong in my life to deserve this much despair. I will never be the mother my son deserves. He didn’t ask to be here. I love him so much but what am I contributing to him and his needs? I do the daily routine. Meals, school, cookies, homework, hugs, kisses, never ending devotion. But I could do so much more. I don’t want to think of the possibility he has inherited my depression. He may suffer because of something I have caused. He’s the light of my life and I can’t appreciate him the way he deserves. He loves me unconditionally and what do I do? I get aggravated with him and am short with my responses. He asks to do something and I tell him not right now or we will after while. After while hardly ever becomes right now. I don’t mean to be that way. I find motivation for a few minutes, but its quick to vanish. I tell myself I HAVE to do better than this. I HAVE to be the mother my child deserves. But, another day comes and goes and I still just get the basics done. My husband is a wonderful man. He loves me. I know he does. He shows his love in so many ways. If he loves me so much, why can’t he do laundry? I come in from Nursing School and am exhausted and overwhelmed beyond measure and what do I do? Find that missing shoe, the pair of socks that are right where I said, that envelope that is right where its supposed to be, dishes and of course laundry. I finally get a little free time where I’m not required to study and just want to spend some time with my family. Guess what happens? He volunteers to work, offers to run errands for others, decides to go do anything besides be with me. Unless of course, he’s exhausted, then he sits on the couch and gets lost in the ipad or what’s on TV. Would he even notice if I wasn’t here? If I didn’t make it home after class, would he realize I hadn’t made it? I feel so detached sometimes. Like I’m just living alongside the lives of my husband and child. Like I’m on cruise control and just riding a never ending highway. Maybe when my daughter died, it was a cruel way of telling me I’m not worthy to have another child. She was only here 4 months and then was snatched back out of our lives like a distant dream that never really existed. Did she exist? It feels like she was a character of my imagination that was dreamt into reality. I want to hate the word SIDS but I can’t hate it as much as I hate myself. If I had done things differently, maybe she would still be alive. I can think of 10 things, right this second, which may have caused her to die. Or at least contributed to the fact. I think I could literally stab myself in the heart and it couldn’t hurt as bad as it does right now. I’m just mad! So freaking mad! I’m tired of all this never-ending pain. What can I do to stop it? Is there anything I can do? I take meds every night just to knock me out so I can’t feel the pain. It’s not working. During the day, I’m still just a crappy mom that puts on a happy face and begrudgingly does what is required of me. By day, I’m still a crappy wife that doesn’t appreciate her husband like she should and complains that her every need isn’t met. By day, I’m still a grieving mother that is still mourning the loss of her daughter. But at the end of the day. I’m just



me..

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