My Fault, My Price to Pay
I am a teenager. So this is just another "teenage love story". I am a teenager, who has been in love. Well, I was in love with the idea of being in love. No wait, I got the preview of love? I'll let you decide . . .
My story takes place sophomore year. I enter my last class of the day and see a boy walk in. He was tall, cute, and smiling. A smile that can melt you away. Sadly, I transferred out that class within a week. I didnt get the chance to even get the boy's name.But luckily, I am one of those boring teenagers who stayed on social networks; so I see within my "related" friends on Facebook - I see a familiar face. IT WAS THE BOY. I quickly added. (yes, this is a long story).
It didnt take long for us to communicate and have conversations everyday. Surprisingly, I too got caught his attention. We exchange numbers and then texting took place. Would you believe that as much as we texted - we didn't say much in person? We walked right passed each other everyday and not one word was spoken.. Till he made the first move. He stopped me on my way to class and said "don't say hi" with his charming smile. I couldn't resist but to smile and say hi.
Later on, phone calls took place and that's when I fell in love with his voice. Later on I realized he didn't live that far from me(more like down the block). what a small world huh?
One day when we were let out early from school, we met up at another school. Give or take an hour or so, we spent it together. Though it wasn't planned, it was very memorable. That's when we shared our first kiss. As always, he made the first move - kiss on the cheek. But I did the first to lay my lips on his. It was magical.
Within weeks, it was him and i walking home together everyday and a kiss goodbye. (a little furthermore than a kiss) Honest to say, these butterflies in my stomach were scaring me. He was a good guy - but I didnt want my secret fairy tale with him to end. He asked me on my birthday "will you be my girlfriend" because I wanted to wait longer to be together. I decline because I felt everything was too great to make it really "official". I know - It was a stupid mistake. Everything went downhill from there.
He was a good guy, like I said, and so he waited. Waited months to ask the question again and for me to say yes. But no. We were fighting, calling things on and off again. We had so many issues. We fighting like a couple, when we really weren't. How can he want to be a couple with all these issues? and to top it off, my emotions took over and I spoke the words that soon later destroyed us. I said "I Love you."
Was it love? When it wasnt even official. Well if so, he felt it too. We were in love. Deep in a crazy dangerous love.
Slowly I saw the damage I caused. He became too attached, too worried, too protective and annoying. I pushed him away further and further. Mistreated him and raised his hopes, only to crash them. And there he goes, he stand by to just show he loved me. And I couldnt accept that love because it was "too real" for me. I was a fool. I crossed the line one night, which really ended us. I said : go away, go do drugs, go have sex with a girl. you deserve better. He took those to heart and ran with it. I basically gave him the knife, after stabbing his heart. We didnt speak for a while till he reached me again.. Only to say he wanted to be friends.
Well my new friend revealed that he did exactly what I told him to do.. He was doing drugs, he fucked a girl and he was moving on. To me, I was thinking: another bites the dust. But what can I do ? He did exactly what I said to get over me. But he didnt get over me or what we had. He grown hatred for me and the fling we had, The love that we shared.. He soon hated. All because of me.
He gave up on me and everything else we had. He soon forgot everything and didnt care if I was part of his life or not. This should an applauding moment right? He got over the bitch (me) who broke his heart? He was doing things that were helping him.. He was moving on. And me.. I get what I deserve: I think of him every night. I think of every kiss. Replay every moment we shared in my head. When I see him, I just wanna disappear. Him hugging or even looking at another girl kills me. I am now receiving the pain I use to cause him. I now pay the price of destroying the best love I will ever gain.
We still talk, but only small talk. We put on our "Im doing fine without you" masks and go along our days. I asked him one time. "why are still doing drugs". He said "I have no motivation to stop". Although it was not needed to say, I added "you werent doing them when you were with me?". "Thats because I had you. I didnt need anything or anyone else to make me happy or get me through the day". I was stunned. I dont ever bring up the drug issue again in our conversations. I seen him post photos of him and girls and quotes signaling me hes moving and is doing better without me.
I cant take the hint cant I? Because .. I still believe I belong with him. Am I wrong for that? I use to think I was waiting on him to do his thing and come back to me .. but I realized I am shutting down to many nice guys all for one who hates me. I regret everything I done to him. I am the idiot who realize the best thing when it has left. i am the idiot who let love slip through my fingers. I am the fool still in love with a man, who I basically hurt.
I want to be with him, yes. But I refuse to stay miserable and wait on him.
Like I said : what if it was just a preview of love? After all, I am still young..
A word to BE wise : if it's meant to be, it will come back. if it wasn't, let it be.
Thank you for taking the time and reading my story, I appreciate it.