After nearly 25 years of marriage, I found out 8 weeks ago my husband is having an affair. I suppose in my heart of hearts I knew, as he was so different towards me. Yes all the classic signs were there, but because I love him so much (and still do) I continued to believe him. The sad thing is looking back on it, is the times I questioned him, about things, and he just blatantly lied to me, and even though I accepted what he was telling me, deep down I knew he was lying.
When it all came out, I couldn't believe how far it had gone. Within 3 months of knowing her he had gone out and bought a sapphire and diamond ring for her birthday. He had a secret mobile phone, which he used for her and her alone, that I knew nothing about. I have read all her love letters to him, that he kept in his desk, and they are heart breaking to me. She describes their "affair" in such detail, and the love she has for my husband. They were planning to eventually move in together, in about 6 months time, as in one of her letters she actually says she is sorry he won't see his Silver Wedding which should have been in August this year. She declares her undying love for him in all the letters, and I know he wrote her letters back because he told me, and she also refers to them in her letters. She thanks him in one letter, for being so open and honest with her, and says she doesn't doubt his feeling for one minute. I found out 2 days before we were due to go on holiday, and he was planning to write her 17 letters, one for everyday he was away, so she would know how much he was thinking of her while he was with me. I even found the Christmas presents, he had bought for her and her son, and in all the years I have known him, he has NEVER, gone out and bought anything himself for our two daughters, I have always done that, as you can imagine they are so hurt as well.
The final insult for me, was he told me that he brought her to "our home" ! and made love to her in "our bed", one lunchtime while I was at work. In the past he was always so possessive of our bed, wouldn't even let the daughters sleep in it with their boyfriends, while we were away, he used to say that is our sanctuary, for us and no one else, and he abused it himself. He also slept in her bed behind her partners back as well. So you see it was not just a sexual thing, the feelings they had for each other were so strong. She even rang me, and let me listen to her voicemail messages, which were all from my husband, saying how much he needed her and loved her, he was in tears on most of the messages, the emotion I heard in his voice was so genuine. So how after all this, can I ever trust him again??
He has been saying from day one that it was all a big mistake, and he never meant for it to happen (obviously), and that he was trying to end it??? How, when the day after I found out he met her in a hotel room and made love to her again!!! Then he told her that after our holiday he would see her just before Christmas to give her, her presents. I was the one who told her partner, even though my husband begged me not to, didn't he have a right to know as well???
Like I said before, I have let him move back in, as I still love him so much, and he swears to his dying day that he will never hurt me again, will I ever believe him or trust him again?? Tomorrow is my birthday and he has booked us into a hotel somewhere for the night, says he wants to surprise me and try and make it up to me anyway he can, says he will do anything I ask of him, but I don't want a lap dog for the rest of my life, I just want the man I married. Is there any hope?????
I really would appreciate ANY COMMENTS from anyone who has been through a similar experience, if they have managed to work things out and stay together after something like this, and is the marriage any better or worse than before. I will check this site daily, to see if anyone, can make me feel better, but its no good anyone saying leave him, I can't do that, I need and love him so much. ps. She is actually 20 years younger than me and my husband, so was it a fantasy for him, or was it real.