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      Anniversary heartbreak


its almost complete the end of mine and geoff's relationship as least as far as i can tell. a few days ago i called geoff telling him i wanted to see him. this was after a week or so of empty promises of him seeing me. as the week dragged on and he ignored more of my texts the pain got less severe but more constant. i think i was just getting better at handling it, not reacting impulsively as i had before in the beginning, just sending him my texts of "i miss you" and "can we meet today". but by the end of the week and the upcoming of our one year anniversary i felt it was a good time to do something more about it. i made a plan to see him on our one year, write him a letter about how i felt about what he was doing to me and give him a cupcake as a present and maybe a last good bye. well sunday i called him somewhat incessantly and told him i seriously wanted to see him. he sounded concerned over the phone as to my well being asking me if i was okay but simultaneously calling me crazy, eventually he said he would see me later in the night after he got through what studying he needed to get through for some other stupid important exam he had coming up in the next month. geoff was a medical student and always had some important exam.

one year ago today around this hour at midnight i was sitting in my friends flat at a birthday party somewhat tipsy and bored by my company. i didn't know many people and the cute guy who came into my cafe a few weeks ago had finally asked me for my number so i thought i'd be ballsy and ask him to hang out that night if he was still around campus since he had told me earlier in a text he'd be studying till the library closed. around midnight he came and picked me up and rented some movie then went to his place. this was the first guy i was kind of going on a date with since i got back from a year in turkey and italy, a year full of fun but carefree relationships-- the kind of abroad relationships that were never meant to last. i felt excited to be going out with the cute medical student who randomly walked into my cafe, with geoff; he had caught my eye ever since that fateful day last year, he seemed like someone i might genuinely like.

well there we were in his flat on our first date... trying to get to know each other and making out interchangeably. eventually we showered together and i sleep over at his place. he held me, pulled me in tighter when i'd shifted in my near sleeping state away from him, it was a comforting feeling. he told me he loved me for the first time while half asleep holding me in his arms one night, way too soon after we had started going out... it freaked me out but at the same time it didn't, i had a feeling i felt the same, though i'd try and deny it for the duration of the relationship. i fall quickly into a serious relationship with him practically move in with him but then my stubbornness and want of independence got the better of me and i left him for another guy i didn't care too much about. i returned to him again about a month later only to treat him not as one should treat a boyfriend because i "didn't want to be in a serious relationship" because i didn't like anyone telling me what to do. give or take, we were together for about 6 months including the debacle of a long distance relationship we tried pulling off while i was working in italy for the second summer in a row until i ended it with him out of the blue, out of a desire for freedom while i'd be living in berlin on an exchange program, across the atlantic from him.

i really believe in my heart of hearts geoff is the first guy i truly loved for reasons i could not explain. he is also the first guy to cause me real heart ache. that's what this past month has been since i've returned from berlin, heartache. heartache over realizing how much i missed him over the past few months and heartache at the hope he gave me, telling me he still loved and missed me as well. i wanted to do something about the heartache and i did...

symbolic of our one year i bought him a cupcake and wrote him a letter about how i felt and about how he was hurting me, and i planned to see him after my shift at work like we agreed upon earlier in the day. i called him and called him when i got out of work but once again he wasn't responding. at this point i was fed up. enraged and baffled that once again he was ignoring me even after i had called him and told him so seriously that i wanted to see him, once again he was ignoring me. i knew him too well, and i knew he would be in one of about two places, the bio-med library or the study room at his flat. i drove to the medical library looked for his car, it wasn't there. then i drove towards his place heating up with rage and frustration while chain smoking cigarettes. i looked for his car in the parking complex as i passed it by and didn't see it. "jay will be home" i thought, his roommate is almost always home. i planned to just go to his place, cooly greet jay, and leave the my present and letter in his room and be done with it. what happened instead was i walked up to his door, knocked, and surprisingly geoff answered instead of jay.

as i walked into his flat seeing him calmed me down once again. i had missed him so much that the second he gave me a hug i almost felt like i was going to melt in his arms. a combination of joy from seeing him and anger at his blatant disrespect of me influenced my responses and actions toward him in the first half hour or so i was there. eventually i start to play it semi- cool. talking a little bit, i directly yet calmly asking him if he was ignoring me and why. he gives bullshit reasons, "yes i was ignoring you these past 10 min but these past weeks i have been busy." bullshit. he invites me to lay next to him and relax for a bit. i was reluctant but eventually succumb. i wanted to lay in his arms again, on his bed that was my bed for so long. i give him the cup cake and tell him happy anniversary, the smile on his face and surprise that i remembered the date he didn't gave me a sense of pleasant satisfaction. i could see he still cared. eventually we start to fool around, talk about the complexity that is his life, his inability to leave the girl(s) he was talking to despite not really caring about them too much along with his continued love of me, joy in seeing in me, yet deep seeded inner hatred towards me for what i had done to him over the summer. but once again our mutual desire of each other ends up with us in the shower, like on our first date.

after the shower the whole "what does this mean" "what are we going to do about this, about us" topic came up again but briefly. he promised we would deal with it the following day, he had work but a 2 hour break at some point in which he promised he would call me. i was skeptical and made him aware of that. i blatantly grab the letter i had placed earlier on his printer. "whats that" he says, i tell him its nothing but eventually confess that its a letter for him. i was unsure of whether or not i actually wanted him to read it after what just happened between us but he insists. "should i read it in front of you or when you're not around?" he asks but im not sure. at first i want him to read it then and there so we can settle the matter or at least so i could know he knew how he was making me feel, but he refuses to read it. "we'll deal with this tomorrow i'll read it then i don't have time now" he says as he places the letter non-challantly on his book case and walks towards the door to let me out. "no!" i say and grab the letter and place it under his phone laying on his bed so he's sure to have to at least hold it again, i tell him to read it and then call me tomorrow, knowing that the chances of his call are about 40/60. we then part ways.

well that is where i am today and it turns out he doesn't call. earlier i had a small sliver of hope that he would call maybe past 11pm when he was supposed to be getting off work. after the movie i had just watched to pass the time i looked at the hour and see that it is about 12 midnight and realize that there is no call coming. immediately i grab my jacket and go to my balcony to smoke a cigarette. i burst into almost tears, about two manage to escape and fall down my face, i wanted there to be more because i wanted to just let all my emotions out, the hurt i was feeling because once again he had let me down another broken promise of a call and meeting. instead im sitting here writing to express and recount the occurrences of the past days, my form of therapy i suppose.

earlier today as i sat in the library studying for exams i have this week i look at my clock, it was around 5 or 6pm and i realize that that 2 hour break he said he had, if he had it at all he sure as hell didn't use it to call me or "deal" with the previous night as he promised. i deleted his number, all 3 forms of if in my phone along with his whatsapp skype and email contact information. i know that i have his number about 90% memorized and i wouldn't take much effort to find it in another one of my archives but im glad that i at least today purged him from my phone. its a step in the right direction i hope. contacting hasn't been good for me and the way i see it is that at least i gave him that stupid letter my form of 'closure' that deep down i was hoping wouldn't bring a real close. i hope to continue this step of not contacting him, i guess ill take it one day at a time.

but that's where i am now.

happy fucking anniversary


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