In love with the idea of being in love
I really donít know what happened. Well actually I do. I was her rebound guy. Too bad for me, I was longing, dreaming, wanting with all my heart, someone just like her. I fell in love, not in a matter of weeks or days, but in a matter of hours. I fell for her from the moment I first saw her. And that was my biggest mistake.
I havenít really dated anyone in a while. I donít know really why, but mostly out of fear of rejection. Iíve been burned in the past by girls, many, many times. Jeanna, cheated on me, Gretchen, cheated on me, Rachel, cheated on me. I got to the point where I just gave up.
Then I decided to get back on that horse and try dating. I mean, I really donít want to be alone for the rest of my life. So I signed up for an online dating account. I was talking to a few girls but there was one that really sparked my interest. Carol. On paper, she was perfect for me. Perfect. Exactly who I was looking for. She was shy, pretty, liked quiet guys like myself, just perfect for me in every single way.
I emailed her. A few days passed and nothing. I figured, oh well, thereís another strike out for me. Then, I get a message from her. I was in heaven. I was really excited about the possibilities. What could be, maybe weíll fall in loveÖ.maybe weíll get married and have tons of babies. So I wanted to play this really cool, I wanted this to work out. I really did. So I took it slow, trying to be coy and cute. Trying to be funny and friendly. Not creepy, not arrogant, but charming and witty.
Then after about a week of emailing back and forth, she asks me if I can hang out this one evening. Of course I said yes. More like HELL YES!!!. We met, I took her to dinner. We have great conversation. I was trying to be a gentleman. The date went awesome, I thought. Afterwards, I asked what she wanted to do, do you want to walk around the city? Do you want to get another drink? How about a car tour around the city. She didnít want to do any of those things and asked what I would normally do. I said Iíd probably just go home and she said, well letís do that. BOOM! I was in. She was coming over. Glad I cleaned my sheets!
We came back to my place. But I really liked her. So I didnít want to mess anything up. So I just kissed her. My heart was beating so fast! She spent the night. She on the couch, me in my bed. The next day we just hung out, it was one of the best days Iíve had in a long while. We made out, and I wanted to make sure I pleased her. I went down on her will all my effort, my tongue was sore! Actually that little strip under my tongue. I knew that if I wanted this relationship to work, we should hold off on the sex, but I couldnít help it. I put it in, and it was amazing! It felt so right.
When she left that night, that was it. I was in love. I was so happy for the first time in a long time. I was actually happy. Could this be it? Is my luck finally changing? Has God finally listened to me and thrown me a bone? Yes, I was sure of it. My life was changing. I could feel it. I was going to fall in love, my business was going to blow up. All those proposals I wrote were going to get awarded, plus Iíll have someone to share it with! Everything I had wanted and worked so hard for was finally coming true!
We made plans to see each other in two weeks. For the first week, we talked on the phone for hours. She would send these sweet texts. The next week, the text became fewer and fewer, the calls shorter. Thatís when I first suspected something was wrong.
But I didnít want to believe it. I was scared that maybe she wasnít into me as much as she led on. So I pretended that it was nothing. Iíd find out once she came over that weekend.
I was completely intoxicated by the possibilities of what could be. I would make her fall for me that weekend. She was coming Thurs. I couldnt stand the anticipation. It was driving me crazy. Just thinking about her, being with herÖI felt like I was in 4th grade.
Thurs came and she called and said she fell asleep and was going to be late. ERRR, first clue. If that was me, I couldnít fall asleep. I was too excited. I thought, oh well, weíll just forget that. She came over and we had awesome sex. At least I thought it was awesome. I tried to please her anyway I could. I let her into my world. I talked about my life, my business, my family. I was truthful about everything, and told her anything she wanted to know. We had so much sex. We talked about a future together. She said I could fuck her anytime I wanted. I thought I said all the right thingsÖ.and they were all true. I said that maybe if we were an old married couple and it wasnít working that if I had one wish to go back to the time we first met, and do it rightÖthat this was that chance. I meant it. It made her cry.
She said she was meeting her ex the next day. ERRR, second clue. I asked her why and I didnít want her to do that. She assured me that she doesnít like him anymore. That sheís just going to his new church, and pick up her stuff. I didnít like it but I didnít want to be one of those guys who forced a girl not to do things. If she wanted to see him to pick up her stuff, ok, fine, I donít like it but Iíll give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her.
We were planning on going out. To the gym to play racquet ball. She was in the bathroom getting ready. Everything seemed ok. She comes out crying. ERRR third clue. I asked her whats the matter and she says something like ďif you donít like something about me, just tell meĒ I have no idea where that came from. I never said anything about her that I didnít like. Actually, I liked everything about her. I kept asking her why she was upset, why she was crying. She never gave me a straight answer. I didnít want to push the subject. We had more sex later that day. A few times. It was awesome.
The next morning, she was getting ready to meet her ex. We had sex that morning. I figured, ok, she really likes me. I think Iím ok. Iíll trust her with her ex. I mean, who has sex with someone all weekend, and then goes back to their ex that same day??Öwho does that? Clearly she wouldnít do that. I know a phony when I see one. Sheís genuine. Sheís real. I asked her to call me when she got home. She said she would. I walked her to her car, we kissed passionately. I was feeling good.
Then, the hours went by and no call. No text. I knew something was wrong. But I was still holding out hope. Maybe she got in really late. Maybe her phone died. Iíll wait until morning. If sheís still into me, sheíll call or text in the morning. Morning came, no call, no text. ERRR. FINAL CLUE. At this point I knew. I wasnít going to call her. I was just going to let it go, but it was killing me. So I called. As I suspected, it was over. She said all this crap about being confused and me being sweet and all. I asked her if she slept with her ex.. she paused, and said yes, my heart broke into a million pieces. I couldnít believe it. I was crushed.
How could she do this? What did I do wrong? Should I have not let her go over there? Was she lying to me this whole time? Did I not even matter to her one bit? I have a million questions that will never be answered, but one thing I know, is that I never want to talk to her again. It just goes to show you that you can never really know someone. Itís really ironic that she said she doesnít like phony people, but turned out to be a phony herself.
She left some stuff at my place, a shirt and sweat pants. I threw it all away. I threw away the bottle of sake we bought at our first date, that I was keeping for sentimental reasons. I threw away the t-shirt she bought me at the thrift store. I deleted all her emails, texts, and pictures. I hope one day she realizes that I was genuine. I really liked her. I wouldíve done anything for her. I really, really, really wanted this to work. I would have tried to make her happy in anyway that I could. I hope she realizes just what she threw away in meÖthrew away like a used tampon.
But now, itís done. It will never be what I wanted it to be. I guess I was living in fantasy world this whole time.