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      Slowly breaking apart


So this story is mainly about me falling for someone who doesn't like me back. I've liked some guys in the past before but never dated anyone. Sometimes I even question if I really like any of the guys or am I just feeling extremely lonely. This time I believe that itís the first time I've felt so strongly for someone.

Started off in September I made a group of friends over 1 mutual friend but they live long distant from me and I really miss them, this year though I was able to go to where they lived for school. Our group of friends contains about 20 people and I was closer to some than the others. In this circle of friends, majority of them are guys and they`re all really nice, I enjoy hanging them.

In November though, I started to notice this one guy specifically in our group hang outs, but I wasnít sure about my feelings at the time. Then we got together and hang out in smaller groups and then I began to really develop feelings for him. At night we would have these minor group calls late at night, where we would share our life stories and most of them arenít exactly the happiest things that have happened. He shared how he`s breaking up with his girlfriend but still feels really strongly towards her but still needs to do it.

Around December we`ve become a separate minor group with a few other friends whom we all trust each other and share stories. And December was also our winter breaks; therefore we had a lot of time to hangout. Starting from then on, he started to lead me on, flirting and hitting on me in front of all our other friends. Even though I like him I didnít show any signs of it or returning the favour to him. One of my friends who know I like him tells me itís his way to keep himself sane by trying to get attention. With all the attention and sweet talk I have liked him more, more than I thought I would.

He doesnít only sweet talks to me, he even notice my needs at time. In situation where I feel uneasy or too uptight, he would text me faces and try to make conversation with me so Iíd feel more comfortable. Other times I would just take a glance at some ice cream and he would but it for me without even asking. He would even make unnecessarily trips dropping off our other friends who live near him first than to drop me off which I live really far and away from everyone, which even the friends in the car found really weird about it because the order on how we`re being dropped off made no sense at all, giving me the wrong idea that he wants to spend more alone time with me in the car. With all this happening I feel so happy but at the same time really sad.

When it comes to the late night talk in our little group, he would say how he still misses his ex, giving me the reminder I need that he doesnít like me for real.

Now in January he doesnít hit on me as much as he did before and even though I miss it, Iím actually really happy, because he doesnít say what he donít mean anymore. Ever since I know that I do not only like him but I love him, Iíve been having terrible sleeping problems. Over the course of thinking ever night, I came to a decision on telling him about my feelings. One night where we hung out once again and we had alcohol to drink, I took a few extra shots to get the confident I need. Once we got to my place I got him to come out of the car and I told him: I really like him since November, donít be weird and awkward about it, I love our group of friends and enjoy hanging out and donít want to ruin this relationship by avoiding each other. That night after telling him really casually, I walked inside my house and started to cry then I called my friend who knew I liked him and talk all night. The only awkward time after that was the day after because he was asking me about my feelings and now everything is back to how they were like nothing happened. We still have late talks with our group, I still canít sleep at night because Iím over thinking about him and he would still occasionally sweet talk to me.

All this adding up is actually hurting me a lot inside and I really donít know what to even do about it. I keep telling myself to stay strong and in time Iíll get over him and wouldn't like him as much. But with the amount we talk and hangout itís very difficult to stop liking him. I also tell myself to not have any hope that he might actually like me, no expectation means no disappointment, but as much as I tell myself that I still canít help but to hope that he messages me out of the blue or I see him sending me a text message. But to be honest I told him I like him is so he knows the existent of my feelings but at the same time I donít want to be his rebound or an option for him. So what I'm trying to say is that I donít know how much longer I can take being all normal around him till I start distancing myself from this group I love because of him.


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