Jose L. V.
Oh, the day I met him was Sophomore Year, and he was part of my old Xbox Live gaming group.
He was the guy that everyone made a fool of. Yes--in the group of three guys and two girls, he was called a bag full of...crap. That was the best word to describe it as. Crap.
Things like stupid, idiotic, gay, and so on.
I even remember when I first learned the fact that he was the stress relief--he introduced himself to me as Jose, but Andrew (whom labeled himself as the tough guy) corrected it to Josie (joe-zee).
"Josie? Why Josie?" I asked.
"Because he's gay." Knowing Andrew an entire year before hand, I just nodded and went on with my day--not caring much for it really. I went on with calling him it, just because everyone else did. It was a habit now, and still is. Calling him Jose was like renaming him completely. Though the entire group kept on with their ways (which was still funny), I was born with a kind heart. I talk bad when needed--or when raging in video games...
He'd tell me things that he wouldn't tell the others--but what he really told me was how he liked the other girl of the group. My best friend Erin. And he was stupid then--trying to push his affections to her. Though I am a blunt person, she was real blunt with a nasty mouth. Erin was always good at defending herself better than me. I was always better at avoiding confrontation in the first place.
Since day one of meeting Jose I couldn't help but realize how attractive he seemed. Me having an Asian mother, I was always told that the only good men in the world were either Oriental (preferably Filipino, since that is what I am) or white (which I also am). I've been told that since the day I was born. So I told myself, why go for something that I'm not allowed to even consider? That's when I made a decision to date Andrew. It was my third relationship--it wasn't a mistake, but the decisions I made in it were. I feel as if I wasted my time, but many tell me that I should view it as a lesson. One year and a month of dating, he turned out to be my longest relationship. We couldn't even see each other much--it was a secret from my mother. My father, whom is more laid back, approved but didn't like the fact that he had tattoos. The last few months Andrew became much more sexual--especially after he graduated and went on to college. The last old member of the group that I will be mentioning, Luppo, was his best friend and bad influence. Luppo did drugs, preferably marijuana. I didn't view the plant as unholy--it was a good medicine, and helps some. But I knew Andrew would abuse it. I got tired of the sexual comments, and the racist and sexist jokes thrown at me every day. I broke up with the man (or better to refer to as boy).
A year of breaking up seemed beautiful--I loved being two things.
2) A Virgin
Jose was always honest with me--about how he liked me. He couldn't help like Erin since that was his first crush, but he liked me too. After three years later he tells me...
"Mai. I've thought about this for a long time. I can't even see Erin like that any more. I love YOU."
He loved me he claimed. Truly. Genuinely.
"Are you sure?"
I found it weird. Strange. I was take aback. How could love be so quick? I never believed in love in first sight--I believed in interest in first sight. But I was honest.
"Jose, I don't feel the same way back. But I will always...always always always respect you and how you feel. I'm always here for you--I love you like a brother. No friend can compare to you, other than Erin of course...but! Just remember, you don't need to hide anything from me...got it?"
And the trust grew--of course he was disappointed. But Jose was a good heart. A genuinely good person. Makes some idiotic decisions, but everyone has that tad quality. Though the future didn't go as I foreseen it. It was an enormous shovel to the face. Jose had a girlfriend--rather recently. And I was overwhelmed with jealousy. I didn't know it at the time, but I was. She was a high school girl he just met a month ago, got to know, and dated. A high school girl, dating a college guy that was at least four years older than him. But that isn't even the sweetest fact. The child was inconsiderate to him in my eyes. She would keep him up at nights, make his stress build. I hated her for no reason. I'd look at her and think, 'Damn. I'm hotter, nicer, and more worth it than that thing...and I'm a college freshman!' I truly wasn't being myself. But the worst part was that he wouldn't talk to me...
Weeks of silence.
Jose, my best friend, didn't talk to me.
It was a poorly written script of a horror movie.
At times we would have a week or two of no communication, but that didn't mean we were ignoring each other. But then, ohhhhh no. He wasn't talking to me because he was busy. He was even being taken away from what he loved. He had one major hobby, and that was his Youtube Channel play4thrill. He made playthroughs of various games, mostly the classics and Sega. But she didn't want him spending time even in that. I was worried for him--even HE wasn't being himself.
My other friends laughed about it--here I just went along with them pretending I don't care. But inside I felt that darkness inside of me that I loathed deeply. I wanted to make him feel like shit. So after they broke up about 2-3 weeks later, the fool of a man goes and messages me.
Ooooh, a friendly hello--it felt like he didn't realize how I was feeling. And to be honest he didn't. He didn't know that I felt ignored and unwanted. The dark evil in me just had to dial his number...
"Heeellloooo. So let me get this straight Josie. You...as in you being the antagonist, tell me, the protagonist, you love me. See where the story begins? I'm the main character and you're the conflict that screwed up from my major goal? But wait! There's more! You TELL me you'd wait for me. Tell me all of the good stuff like that. And then you go and date some high school folly? Ignore me for a week. Then come back as if nothing happened?? You are the first person to back stab me, congrats! ...why did you play with my feelings. I never imagined you to even CONSIDER that Jose. I...I'm not even made at you--I'm disappointed. I can't believe you Jose. I don't even know what to say. You've got me tongue tied! Good for YOU."
Then he cried. Mid way in my rant he cried, and I never heard him even choke up before. The guy had only threw up once in his life. I didn't know what to say or do. I just listened into the phone.
And he couldn't even talk.
So I sat in the darkness of my room, never feeling so dead from guilt before. I was like this corpse that knew what was going on. Better yet, an emotionless undead being. I never yelled, and I yelled at him. I became this raging and ranting monster. For a mistake he made which was all too similar to mine. He made the same mistake I did--dating someone you didn't care for. And I go and bite at him? I had no right in my opinion. I couldn't believe myself.
Though, we had a long talk. A long four hour talk. About our feelings.
"I care about you Jose--I'm sorry I yelled."
"No, Mai I deserved it I really did."
"Shhhhhush. Shush--I have no right. You've been through so much. You needed someone to confine in, like how I felt. I'm sorry if I didn't seem enough. I can't...stand to see you upset. I care about you too much. All I want is to make you happy. Hearing you cry, and because of me..I feel like crap. I love you Jose, you need to know that."
"I care about you too M..wait...say that again..?"
"No! Not that...you said you loved me."
"Huh? Oh...OH! Well, duh I completely love you NOT in that WAY of LOVING but LOVING likeabrotherofcourse...ahahah."
"I'm so damn stupid. You're the most perfect girl in the world, I love you so much."
The butterflies flew about my stomach. I hated butterflies. There were more of ravenous hawks that gutted my innards and fed it to the vultures. But that time they weren't as bad. "...yeah, I love you too."
"I know, I know, like a brother. Don't remind me heh."
"No...no Josie I mean I really, love you."