My story begins almost 8 years ago, lasted half of my lifetime on earth.
Twice I've tasted the pain of betrayal, strong hatred & yet lasting love for this man I believed will one day become the man I know he will be.
I met him when I was 14 and was painfully touched by his sweetness of patience for me. I wasn't allow to date back then, and my family was very protective of me.
He would always wait 3 hrs for my school break time to spend only 30 mins of time to chat with me. His care, concern & understanding touched my heart. He was mature and was 15 then.
I thought, back then, that I can only love this man and that feeling stayed & grew so strong I couldn't love another.
His gentle-manner showed me something which I never thought I would see in men.
Slowly & gradually, my liking for him grew into strong love which I've never felt in my 14 years of life. I was young & thought it was childish & it's just puppy love or probably what they would say 'It's hard to forget first love'.
Only then, the pain came when I fell too deep. He left for another pretty girl after six months. I felt so betrayed & lost It took 2 whole years to get over him.
I tried to get back together with him when I was 16, but he wasn't interested at that time. I had a few relationships after that, one of which lasted three years. But things didn't worked out & we stopped growing together and left slowly. My thoughts & feelings shifted back to one man whom I feel so strongly attracted to again.
I believe that this man can contribute to the relationship & will make a wonderful boyfriend, husband & life partner one day.
I waited.. and I turned 21. We still kept in contact all this while, and he felt my feelings for him. A chance was given & I thanked God for giving me that. I thought of him very often & prayed for this day to come. He decided to give it a chance and we were together.
That year of happiness to me was a little straining on the both of us. He spent most of his time in his camp training or on duty that we only managed to see each other for once a week or once a fortnight.
We communicated every night though. But I guess things happened too fast for me as I took 3 months to accept the fact that he was my boyfriend. I doubted, took a risk, and in the process I find it hard to trust him. He became very important to me, and I treasure him so much, subconsciously I held on to him too tight. He was my 1st priority . I got jealous easily too.
He became my strength, my air, and only with him I feel alive and joy. He completes me.
However, we couldn't communicate so well after I knew about the girl he loved most and our views, opinions and visions clashed so strongly he felt that I wasn't the one for him. He couldn't try hard enough to a comprimise & I couldn't accept his way of handling the relationship. He was silent, yet strong and stubborn, and with the training he received while in camp turned him into a cold man whom I never imagined he will be. He lost the sense of passion & love in him especially after his previous relationship failed. I‘ve guessed the girl he loved most was the one he‘s with in the previous relationship. And that was so true when he told me 'she‘s the one'. But that was when I felt it after 3 mths of being with him. We still carried on, and I tried my best to cultivate the love back again in this relationship.
From the day I turned 15, I only made up my mind that the only man I would give myself totally is to this man. And I did, my wish came true.
I gave my first time to him. We got intimate and I felt his love. He took care of me. His smile was my happiness and that I m very contented.
I became the family type gal but happiness didn't last very long. His plan of studying abroad changed him further and changed the course of the relationship. He slowly withdrew himself from me, and contributed less in the relationship. Then, he felt that he didn't want to commit to me anymore.
Fate wasn't that nice to me then. I got pregnant. I found out two months later. He stayed with me.
A whole lot of feelings rushed through me and I was lost, confused and terribly upset. My life was turned upside down.
He took care of me. And I‘ve felt the love of a husband would love his wife. But things wasn't that way.
I went for the abortion. I was totally depressed.
I felt pain, regret & guilt so strongly I couldn't breathe. I thought I would die from it. I felt life will never be the same. I felt the effects of abortion both mentally & physically.
As the day of his departure drew near, my heart and soul began to drain away from me slowly.
As my health weakened, things got worse between us and communication was almost impossible. There are a lot of times I felt that he despised me and the past I had with him.
Once I felt I didn't even want to see him after the abortion. Probably at that time I should have left him there & then and it will not hurt so much now.
We still tried to hold on to the relationship after that. I couldn't describe the feelings I‘ve felt when I watched him depart the airport. Tears just rolled down my face and I couldn't stop it.
No one will understand how painful it is. I felt my other half of me slowly fading away and it will be lost forever. The feelings of love, security and survival will just be gone.
Our relationship after he’s gone to Australia was very rocky & that lasted for 3 mths, and I couldn't take it. It was very straining on my part and a few times I considered giving up on him. I got very depressed and developed migraine and my health worsened. He wouldn't bother about me even after he had settled down in an apartment in Australia.
I called it off days before he turned 23. I regretted being with him in the first place a year ago. I‘ve felt that he will fail me again for a moment back then but I’ve ignored it. That was my lesson.
Love turned to hate. And I lost my compassion and turned cold. I couldn't stop it or control it even with help from my friends. No one will understand how I feel.
Everything that I have given him with my heart and soul will be thrown away. Dreams shattered. Efforts drained my entire life of love. Was it not the right time to be with him? Or was it he didn't love me as much as he did love his previous girlfriend. Was it really a mismatch? Is it meant to be a lesson for me? Whatever it was,
it really drained my soul away. I cant breathe without him and that’s when I realised I cant live without him. Without his smile, voice, laughter, presence , I am lost and incomplete. My heart was torn totally into two and I am not myself.
I went ahead with the plan of visiting him in July. And feelings I felt at that time changed my life further.
Thoughts rushed thru me the minute I met him again in Sydney. We spent two days together travelling.
He was nice to me, probably as a friend.
I felt the love for him once more but I kept it suppressed in my heart. I did not know what to do or think anymore.
I still love him I realised. I will love him, I guess, for my entire life.
The hatred still existed but was minimized. I’ve wished it didn't, as it will help me better. But then again,
I cant control. I still love him.
I ‘ve decided then to go away from the place which held so many memories for long.
I guess if I‘ve also made up my mind that if I couldn't find anyone to love more than I love him, or I can't marry him in this lifetime, I will not marry if that is my fate.
‘You will not see or hear from me till you finally miss me one day. I just want to let you know that you will always be my only one true love in years to come. I have let go of you once and that failed. If I cant even do that one, like I did to my few relationships, then I cant let go of you at all. I give up trying already.
I have never regretted meeting you in my life. I will always be there for you and I love you. I'll miss you.
I do not have anything more to say to you or to myself anymore after the pain and I do not blame you.
I’m really tired.'