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      The end of summer


Tomorrow will be the last day that I see her for months. And with the anxiety and the emotional breakdowns; the depression and the alcohol; the late nights and the painful mornings; I am finally starting to see clearly. I finally understand something that I should have known from the beginning.

I understand now that the stars and the blanket; the midnight swims and the moon; the nights on the couch and her in my arms; the drunken kisses and the inside jokes; all of the memories; all of the moments; and all of the smiles; they all meant nothing. They will never mean anything and they will never be anything more than a memory. I need to let them go.

And It is so hard to let them go. It is so hard to let her go. It has been amazing getting to know her and I will miss her. I wish with all of my heart that this could have been something so much bigger.

I am tired of being single. I am tired of the one night stands and the meaningless numbers. I am tired of the chase and I am tired of the game.

It is cliché but the alcohol feels good. It eases everything and I can be at peace with myself. It numbs the sad and the anger and the despair. It takes me back to neutral. It takes me back to a time before I had met her and things were simple.

This summer has been the best and it has been the worst. I am exhausted and I need to get out but at the same time I wish it did not have to end. She was the best thing to happen to me in a long time. It hurts so much to just watch her go and to not fight for something I want so badly.

Tomorrow will be mundane and it will be tedious; tomorrow will be sad and it will be hard; tomorrow will be lonely and it will be cold; tomorrow will be the end of something wonderful and the start of something that is far too familiar. Tomorrow I will say goodbye and I will attempt to never look back.


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