Needing help , getting no where
Needing help, getting nothing by Jennifer McLaren
It started nearly 2 years ago, didnít bug me much, now and then Iíd get a little bit of pain, what am i talking about? My back. I lead a normal life , typical teenage girl , going to school and even had a part time job in a pet shop , the pay was awful but I did it to make my parents proud , but little did I know my life was about to change drastically for better and for worse.
I met my fiancťe Craig in August 2010 , we were friends for a month then as time went on our friendship grew into love and heís now a big part of my life , we see each other pretty much every day , I love him . School was going great, but letís skip too June 2011.
You always hear about someone being not well donít you? And feeling a small amount of sympathy but deep inside thanking god itís not you or the oneís you love right? Well this time itís me and my back, its took the doctors 13 months to finally diagnosed me with spondlolisthesis a back condition effects the bottom of your spine called the lumber vertebrae pulling various tendons and effecting most of the muscles of my back, my legs go numb mostly every day, I canít do normal daily things in life that before I took for granted, like bending down to pick up a towel or lifting some washing up the stairs, my life now is a mess. But what hurts most is when the doctors where getting nowhere they turned on me, suggesting I was making It up Ė that it was physiological.
I am currently not at school; it all got too much for me, too much stress. Trying to accept this new living way and juggling 5 classes got too tough so I dropped out. Believe me when I say I want to go back , back to everything , my normal life , myself meÖbut things are moving so slowly , so slowly itís almost as if am living in a bubble , my own little bubble hoping someday it will pop ?
So here I am, no job, no school, friends are losing interest, and in a wheelchair couldnít get worse right? Wrong. Itís getting worse day by day the energy I had is slipping away, along with my hope. The doctors the people I relied on treat me like dirt hand me another rubbish pain killer and shove me out the door feeling nothing and me? I feel the sinking feeling I always get, disgust and loneliness. You must be saying to yourself but you have family and a boyfriend who cares? Yes they care but they donít feel the pain I go through every day, every day is a struggle. I try, put some make up I say to myself thatíll make you feel like you again the bubbly girl I once was and is trying to bet this disgusting illness thatís tearing the life out of me day by day but no at night rubbing the makeup reveals something much worse a scared, fragile little girl thinking whatís next.
My mum, she helps all she can, I know sheís concerned, she hates it that fact that her daughter is like this. I can see it in her eyes every time she comes to my room, sheís terrified of what the future holds, what it holds for me. My boyfriend, Craig, he canít face it he hates It we canít go out like we did before ,even though i have always been there for him facing his problems I think itís hard for him to face this one with me. Can you imagine watching your girlfriend desecrating into a depressed mess?
I forgot to mention one of my best friends, Nicola. Knew her from primary school, we became really close in third year, sheís amazing, funny we have a lot in common. Us together remind me of two characters from a cartoon called pinkie and the Brain; me being pinkie and Nicola being the brain. We were so funny together, things arenít the same anymore. When I met Craig me and Nicola distanced, the truth? Because I fell in love, Craig turned into my everything and I pushed Nicola aside, but still loved her and still do, but now with my back weíve distanced even more that I canít help, in agony all day and itís hard to travel I canít get the bus because the embarrassment of been rolled onto a bus full of people in a wheel chair scares me or hooping on it with crutches.
Christmas is soon , Craigís told me what heís got me already , thatís the thing I love about Craig he canít keep secrets ! The only thing thatís been keeping me going is knowing that Craig is coming for Christmas dinner with us this year Ė us been my family. Iíve got everyoneís Christmas in (well am waiting on the delivery from Avon for my cousin and Laurens stuff. My family, Iíll go into more detail I have 3 sisters and 1 gorgeous brother and I love them all those moments that Iíve felt so low theyíve brought me up again, me and my dad donít get on Ė at all, I think he generally hateís me for what ? No reason that I know of.
I love animals; I have 2 hamsters, Donald & Alvin and 1 budgie called Joey he speaks and everything! Sometimes when I am alone they keep me company, sounds cheesy right? But when youíve been in my situation for so long you have to adapt .Iíve always dreamed of owning my own animal business, like a rescue centre and dream of mineís is to be a singer but that will never happen, neither of them will now so I just sit back and my way into the singing world is YouTube, watching Jessie j, Adele and Leona Lewis. One of Jessieís songs touches me most itís called Ďbig white roomí the lyrics in it make me sad but happy because it helps me know that someone like Jessie who is a strong person has been in a situation like me, where she felt scared and just wanted to be Ďnormal and freeí when I sing itís like am in a different world and the loneliness isnít there anymore the music comforts me.
I love writing, I could write for hours about anything. I donít like writing essays am more in to imaginative writing rather than critical I like to just let my imagination take over the things I come up with amazes me. Iíve disappointed a lot of people , I know I have , my teachers who believed in me all these years and thought I had potential , I still have I just donít physically have the energy to do it anymore , it been school , i wish things were different. I often wonder why this has happened to me but the more I ask it the more I think and the more I think about it I get upset so I stop. I donít know if am good at writing but I enjoy it so thatís all that matters.
I donít want sympathy, I want to get help I want to get better and go back to me but right now at this point in time it seems impossible. Whoever reads this, my aim was to help you understand having an illness or disability from a young personís point of view and I hope youíve seen that and I hope I reached your heart with my writing.