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      Long ago love

     


I met Jeff in high school at the start of my sophomore year. He was so sweet and I just fell for him. We fell so much in love. I don't even know how I ever lived without him. We spent a lot of time together. I loved his smile, his laugh, everything about him. We grew closer and closer as time went on. We had our fair share of problems, but my heart belonged to him.


Maybe we grew up too fast. Maybe I was too intense for him. But I knew he loved me as much as I loved him. Towards the end of the school year we began to have problems and we broke up. I was devastated beyond words. But in my heart I hoped we would get back together. Then one day he told me he was leaving. Moving to California to live with his dad. I don't think there has ever been another time in my life when I felt my heart shatter as I did at that moment in time. I knew if he left I would probably never see him again. Well, he did go. And that summer was one of deep pain and unbearable loneliness.


At the beginning of August, my friend Scott called to ask me if I wanted to go out. I said that I really didn't want to. But Scott was a dear friend and he told me he wanted me to go out with his friend Kurt. Well I didn't want to, but I did. Kurt and I really hit it off. We started dating frequently and became very close. Little by little I buried the pain of losing Jeff and went on with Kurt. Jeff was not gone for good though. He would call me on the phone long distance. We would talk a lot and I would tell him about Kurt. I don't really know how he felt about me talking about Kurt but I do know that I was moving on. Burying things deep down in a place where I didn't have to feel them anymore. Sometime during my junior year Jeff and I had a falling out. Maybe the break up and my moving on had taken its toll. I will never know. But I just had to move on in spite of bad feelings, unresolved issues. I never really had a chance to lay it all to rest.


I married Kurt the year I graduated from high school. We started a family and my life was forever changed. I didn't have the luxury of having feelings for Jeff anymore. I had six children with Kurt. The year we would celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary I started to think about Jeff. Wonder where he was, if he was married, if he was happy. If he ever thought about me anymore.


I went on line and tracked him down. Within moments I had a phone number and address. I was nervous and didn't know what to say. But the minute I heard his voice all the years melted away. I was 16 again. The love in my heart for him came bursting forth again. We talked forever and I learned that he was never married. We exchanged e-mail addresses. he next day he e-mailed me a picture of himself. He looked the same but older. I was so heartbroken for all that we lost. longed to see him and smell him again. I learned that no matter how hard you try you cant bury true love. We now are talking on line. I have actually expressed my feelings for him. I have a life with a husband who adores me, but I will never forget Jeff. How I loved him. I will always love him. And he is alone. He told me that he thinks leaving may have been one of the biggest mistakes of his life. I agree it might have been. But we will never know what could have happened. All I know is when I remember the way we were I feel sad all over again. And I long for that long ago love.

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