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      Love, lust and ego and when to draw the line


Recently, I was in a relationship with a man who I was in love with, or I should say in lust with. The whole excitement of the relationship was generated from my pursuit of him. He being confused from coming out of a long relationship gave me all the more reason to want to convince him that I was the one he really wanted to be with.

Although I was extremely attracted to him, I felt that his maturity and affection was always cut short of what I knew in my heart was right for me. Still, whenever I saw him I was floored by the attraction and trying to make him "mine" added to the intensity of emotion. I guess I should note that I was living in a different country and he was a native there. For those who have lived overseas, you know that experiences while being displaced are amplified in every aspect. At least for me that is. Anyway, after my chasing left me empty handed and empty hearted, and my job situation was not going well either...I decided to come back to the States.

This is the beginning of the drama that has taught me many lessons about myself, heartache, and intellect over passion.

'T' suddenly decided that "yes", this is the person I want to be with. He couldn't decide this a few days earlier when I gave him his last chance to say "stay, don't go." But he showed up while I was checking in for my flight. I looked to the right of me and there he is behind the rail. His stare said so much. We talked and he said "I'm going to come and get you soon." I knew what he meant. I knew he was saying to me you are the one I want to be with. But, at the same time I was tired. Tired of chasing. Tired of living in a foreign country. I knew that the timing was wrong. I felt myself already entering the next chapter in my life. But, my feelings toward him were there still. I just wanted to kiss him. If he would have just told me to stay then, there at the airport. But he let me go.

So I was back home. About a week later I got an E-mail. He's coming to the States and he has something he wants to ask me. This, I know must be a proposal. I wasn't sure. Part of me felt "Yes, I've finally won. I convinced him of his love for me. That the woman he had dated was all wrong and he has come to his senses... finally" But then another part of me didn't want it to be like that. Did he even really know me? I mean, most of the time with him was spent in his confused state and my almost desperate state. Did he really see me? How could he marry me, when all those attributes and flaws weren't the factors that made him decide he couldn't live without me? But then that voice..."nya, nya, nya, nya, nya. I beat what's her name." After all of those phone calls and pleas she made to him while we were seeing each other. How she wouldn't leave us alone. I got him. HA! Is all I could think.

So he came... he proposed and I said yes. But the yes was not a very confident yes from the start. The wedding plans were undertook in a haphazard manner. For the whole time, I still could not envision myself walking down the aisle. But I felt trapped now that I had already said yes. Everyone knew. I had to do it now. People on his side had already taken time off work to come to the States for the occasion. So thing kept rolling and I was standing off on the side watching things get more and more out of control.

They say that real love is what's left over when the passion fades. This I realized the true meaning of.

Before the wedding. I got a chance to go back to Asia and live with him for a month. It was supposed to be our time of working out the wedding details, but instead became a reality check to my life with this man I was so in lust with. I should have payed attention. I should have taken advice of friends and family. I should have gone with my first instincts. I believe that now that if a man doesn't appreciate you while you are dating and is immature.... leave it. He'll either mature in his own good time or he'll be like that forever... but it's not our job to be the informant. Perhaps on some rare occasions, it works out nicely, but for most He was even more immature, inconsiderate, and selfish than ever. Now he believed he had me and since I was sooooo in love with him he didn't have to do anything to keep me. He had done me a favor by choosing me. So basically, my little charade came around and bit me on the ass. I thought, yeah, I had finally won. But in reality, nothing had changed. I had gotten him, physically and on the surface I had his "heart", but his heart was the same. It was incapable of the love I needed and wanted from a man.

So after much time, energy and money spent on the whole fiasco. I've learned the age old lessons the hard way..... "You can't change a man" and "Be careful what you wish for you might just get it".

My last word of advice. Girls, don't be too eager. The right man will not need to be taught how to love you.


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