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      The voice of destiny



I can say I learned the hard, but the BEST WAY. I’m 18 when I first meet the person I never expected to be my destiny. At that time, I never realized that he is the right one for me, I just treated him as a “another-used-to-be” guy. I know that I love him but maybe being just on my teen years, its not so deep. All I want that time is to have a boyfriend, and the rest let it be. We’ve been in a relationship for almost seven months, then all of a sudden, a guy came in to my life. He is a transferee in our college and I became so attracted to him. My relationship with my boyfriend become cold, since I am thinking on the new guy, but nevertheless I didn’t ask for a break-up. My boyfriend really love me, he is always texting and calling me even when we are apart, but still, I fall inlove with the second Guy.

I don’t know what voice or force that is coming from within, year 2008 when I am really sure to myself that I don’t love my present boyfriend anymore… I want us to break up, but there is a force and urge inside me that is telling me not to…

I become two-timer.. since I don’t have the heart and guts to break with my first boyfriend, I have two- boyfriends at the same time… both they don’t know that they are two. It was also year 2008 when I lost my virginity; I gave it to the 2nd guy. Me and the 2nd guy is happy, he gave everything I ask for, I really love him.. while my relationship with the first guy is just like a maintenance.. I just want to keep him.. for what reason??? Im still clueless.—maybe selfishness? Fear of the words he might say to me?? Or something more??

After me and the second guy graduated from college, year 2009, I worked in a call center company, 2 months of working, then we decided to live together I was just 19 (,my parents don’t know it, I said I am working and living in a boarding house) .. (still I keep the first guy, we are still in a relationship but we are not seeing each other anymore.. just text and call).. Maintaining the communication with the first guy becomes hard for me since me and the second guy are living now together… and the worst is one night, the second guy checked my phone and he found out about me and my existing “other relationship”… that time I am forced to keep myself away from the first guy… I want a break up… but still the voice within holds back my decisions… and for the second time, even at the rage of the HATRED AND THREAT of the 2nd guy to me, I never had a break up with the 1st guy.. I just said I will be gone , will work abroad… I just said it through text… my first guy is asking about my roaming number, the place where I will work.. I just lie.. all is lie.. then I disappeared…

Days turned into years.. we have no communication.

Deep in my heart I prayed that May God let my first guy meet a girl that will make him forget me, or I am praying that he will fall in love in another girl, or he is having his relationship now, while I am having mine also, so that it will not be hard for me if ever our path crossed since he has his own now….. Deep in my heart I am guilty. I am coward. I consider myself bitch in love.

My life with the second guy is happy at first, we lived together for almost two-years, the first guy is already out of my mind… until one day there is a turn of tide… my life with the second guy become hell, he lose his job, I am forced to work for our living, for the rent of the house, and for all (my parents still knows nothing about the events in my life) … I am the bread winner. Until the time that I realized that I am pregnant.. the worst thing is my partner forced me to drink a tablet to abort our upcoming child.. I take the tablet… but that is traumatic experience.. I become really buttered … I am working, while my femininity and mind is bleeding out of guilt.. out of all the things that I thought was right at first but is now is getting HELLISH… I am working for food, I am being hurt physically and emotionally, and sexually used..

It comes to the point that I am cursing my self.. this is a bad karma for what I have done at my first boyfriend.. I had a dream that night.. that he is still waiting for me… when I woke I said to myself.. IMPOSIBLE.. its been a long time we have no communication, and if ever he still waiting for me, when he sees me at my present situation, so ugly working.. so used, like a rag-doll…

How will I escape this? Three times I tried suicide. But wild grass are hard to die… I still survived. (still, my parents don’t know about this,.. they have clues, also angry with me coz I don’t want to admit what’s going on with me… )

Then one hellish night, on our bed, the second guy woke me up, and said he made the decision to leave.. Leave me.. I am stunned, after all the hardship that I’ve been through, all the money and dignity and time and even life of my first child I gave up just to follow what he want.. but now he is leaving me?? Breaking up with me?? How about all the upcoming bills on the house? Electricity? , how about the appliances that we bought together?? How about the MANY THINGS!.. how…about…. Me………….

That fateful night, September 28, 2010.. with his 2 bags and personal belongings. The second guy left our apartment… up to the last minute I am begging him not to leave me.. I shed so much tears.. but he still left me. Alone in the apartment, unpacked, have little money/broke, sexually used, ugly.. I want to die that night.

I did not come to work. The following day, I packed the things that I can carry with me, I returned to my parents, they did ask me, but usual lies, i answered. I know that they know that I am lying, but my swollen eyes I tells them to stop questioning for awhile. Next days, I resigned from work.. I become pointless…

6 moths.. I drift away like a garbage.. until one day a phone call rings…

Seemingly familiar number appears on my phone, a soft voice that my heart knows automatically registers… when he said.. “hello pie?”

Beyond my knowledge, my sister still keeps communication with the first guy, beyond my knowledge, the first guy know ALL THE THINGS that I have been through.. beyond my knowledge he is watching me from a-far, he said I don’t need to explain what have I done, and beyond my knowledge, HE is STILL WAITING FOR ME..

Beyond my knowledge, year 2011, we are now both in our mid 20’s unlike before when teen-agers, .. We meet again, mixed emotion I feel.. guilt, shame, and wonder.. destiny is really true..

He listens to my explanations, to my stories, a lot of times, there is pain in his eyes, but after he listens he grasp my hand with a warm hold.. saying that that is over.. he said the world may treat him as stupid martyr, and me as a bitch traitor when the world knows this story but he don’t care, he loves me deeply through the years..

Now, I am already working, resumed with my life.. I learned my listen, and I know that destiny is true..

Next year I am opt to change my maiden surname.. :) I thank Lord for giving me the chance and a gift of love.. I never thought I’ll be married.. I thought I’ll die that time.. haha!!

Thank you for reading this… hays….. very long! God bless you..

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