From the beginning, I knew. I walked into this adulterous relationship with my eyes wide open; and, yet, I chose to wear those rose colored glasses anyway.
I began a seven year adulterous relationship with a fellow co-worker with whom I believed would love me forever. At least, that's what he made me believe in time... with his loving words and countless efforts to keep me by his side.
I was ever so mindful of the fact that he was married; but, yet, I couldn't seem to let go of the tender stolen moments and meaningful times we so often shared together. In a strange way, I began to feel as though he was more concerned with my thoughts and feelings rather than that of his wife's. After all, not a day went by that I didn't hear from him.
The times we spent together were also shared with my three children who came to know him and even began to show affection towards him. We spent countless evenings and days together... dinners, movies, shopping, and weekend getaways.
Our sexual experiences were beyond words... we were one and time seemed non-existent during each encounter. There were countless moments of ecstasy and pleasure that left both of us craving more. Nothing could or would ever compare.
Maybe it was during the fifth year that I finally began to realize... he truly was not mine. This resulted from the many days I was left alone and needed his loving arms and words to comfort me and he was not there. He was committed to someone else, I had finally realized. He had a family that needed him and he had promised to be there... for them. Not for me. He made me no promises; nor did I ever ask for any.
I guess it was then that, I suddenly began to realize I had been cheating myself. I had accepted being second. Why? I began asking myself this; and, so, without any answers to this question and unable to make any sense of my committed years to a married man, I suddenly became rebellious. I began to go out with friends... dating, dinners, and dancing. Ultimately, I sabotaged the very relationship that I so dearly embraced and accepted as satisfying and normal.
Inevitably, the relationship ended. The end was abrupt and harsh as he discovered information about an indiscretion (in his eyes) that I had with another man. How dare I? How dare I attempt to move on as he, a married man, faithfully? stood by both me (his mistress of seven years) and his wife? It was final, I had betrayed him. This confusion and madness had to end, I thought to myself. Well, it did. Abruptly. According to him...it ended as a result of my betrayal towards him and our relationship.
How did this happen? After all, I was the one who invested so much time, energy, and efforts to accommodate his needs rather than that of my own. And what did I have to show for those seven years? Absolutely nothing but memories and a broken heart. Above all that... a hard lesson learned.
So, why does it hurt to lose him?... the man for which I neglected my own wants and needs for? Well, for starters, just before our relationship ended, he left his wife and got his own apartment. Which, for a few weeks, I was able to enjoy the few advantages of. But, not for long, of course. Because, after our break-up, he wasted no time in quickly becoming involved with another co-worker who had now been afforded all of the opportunities that I never had. And those for which I would have died for.
Now, it was me who felt betrayed... again. Damn it! He owed me for all those years I waited and remained true to him. As true and committed as anyone in my same position would have been (as a mistress). Was there no room for forgiveness on his part; especially, after all of the years I had endured with him? Of course, how could I have been so naive? There had always been other women in his life besides me and his wife. If only I hadn't been wearing those damn rose-colored glasses. I could have seen this so clearly.
Six months have passed since our break-up and it still hurts to see that this new person in his life is enjoying his time, efforts, and love as I did (or is she?). But most of all, it hurts to see that their relationship is working (or is it?).
Yes, I'm still alone and healing. But I've grown and learned a lot from this experience. It was my first and last adulterous relationship; for which, of course, I'm not proud of. But with it comes knowledge and growth.
What I've learned from all of this is that he didn't betray me. I betrayed myself. And it started the day I accepted the relationship as it was and the day I chose to wear those damn rose-colored glasses throughout it's entirety... believing that my self-worth was of little or no importance. Nothing could have been further from the truth. The hardest part was realizing this fact and having to pick up the pieces to my broken heart afterward.
I now realize that I deserve so much more in life than that of settling and being second. I have learned to always value my self-worth and have vowed to never again see things through rose-colored glasses. They only hide, from our hearts and mind, the truth that we instinctively feel inside is wrong. Choose to wear these glasses and, ultimately, you become the bearer of your own betrayal and your own heartache.
Still hopeful at age 31 with an unimpaired vision of my future.................