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      I seriously need help


I have never cheated on my wife physically but in my heart and mind I have and that is so wrong. I love my wife so much but lately I canít stop thinking about my ex-wife who I never stopped loving even though I love my current wife so much. It is ripping me apart inside, Iím starting to hate myself for where my thoughts and dreams are going and I just canít seem to stop it. My ex was my soul mate in this life and others but when we were married it did not work out because she was to young needed to grow and I loved her so much that I let he go to grow on her own. But I never stopped loving her or thinking about her for more than 20 years in my heart I always felt she would return to me. I am a romantic and I believe in magic and dreams I felt the universe had a plan and everything would be ok some day I just needed patience. I watched from a distance not having contact with my ex watching her go through men in her life each one having different traits of me like she was searching for someone to replace me never being truly happy because in my heart I knew she belonged with me also. After 5 years of going through hell hurting because I missed her so much I met my current wife. When I first laid eyes on her I knew even though she was on a date with another man I danced with her and at that point I knew we were going to be together, it was instant love. She was filled with hate from her previous marriage but me I am love and I knew she needed me and I could help her with lots of love and affection. Even though I was still so very much in love with my ex I knew I loved this one as well. As the years went by and we were always together I slowly worn down some of the hate she had inside by showering her with love and attention. The love and thoughts for my ex never went away during this time period but I gave the love I had inside me needing to get out to this wonderful lady in my life. After more than 10 years together we got married even though the love I had for my ex was still there even on my wedding day I kept expecting and hoping for my ex to show up and stop the marriage because we were still married in our hearts. But it did not happen and I was content being with my current wife enjoying the love and life we shared together. My ex was always there in my thoughts and heart but this current lady needed me and my love so much I was happy. Both of my wives were potheads just like me in fact they were so much alike it was uncanny they went to school together even born two weeks apart. Then my current wife stopped smoking pot and started using coke a drug I hated and now even hate more. It caused a lot of problems with us fighting about it and what was happening between us. My neighbor and closest friend wanted what we had together and I could see the feelings he had for her and because of that it really hurt us when they would party together late at night while I was sleeping meeting outside and doing coke together. I donít think she ever really cheated on me physically but the emotions were there I could see it which caused problems and we separated for a short time because I hated the coke and what she was doing so much. My neighbor started dating my wifes best friend who was married to another friend of ours which even added more to the fuel of dislike and while we were apart she spent nights parting with them all night long at times which tore me apart even more. One of my biggest fears was the coke would kill her and I would loose her forever. So after a short time I got her to come back to me and I would just accept the coke as part of her life and enjoy every moment I could with her while she was still here I loved her so very much and the thought of her dieing scared the hell out of me. At least I could watch out for her some if she was with me so the nights she would get coked up I would get up constantly and check on her making sure she was ok never knowing if I would find her dead from a heart attack or something. I love her so much but this coke drove a wedge between the very strong love we had. Even though I missed my ex so very much I was content with my wife and life except for the coke. Slowly we financially were being destroyed because of the coke the work we were getting started slowing down because my boss knew about the coke thing and we got in deep debt. But I just kept going rather than give her up completely I just dealt with it. Now over this time I never stopped thinking about my ex but the thoughts and feelings were in the background never surfacing to cause trouble. I never denied to her that I still loved my ex but I made sure she knew I would never cheat on her. But then the dreams started slowly at first about my ex and her life not bad dreams just about her and her family, the daughter I had dreamed about so long ago had finally arrived . This was the child that was not to be mine and one of the reasons she had to go so long ago. Even though this child was not to be mine I knew so much about her from dreams when my ex and I were together before. I had dreams of this special child that was to be born I know she has a very special place in this world and what it is to become. Because of my magic and being able to see things of the future I know a lot about this child that was not to be of my seed but was to be born with a magic even stronger than mine. The dreams started with the child contacting me in dream world now dreams even vision dreams are always a little blurry because of the two different worlds they exist in so it wasnít clear at first what was going on. She was contacting me and I knew her but could not place who she was just that she was the magic child that will have much to do with what is going to happen in this world. She would talk to me in dream world telling me things were going to be ok and never stop believing in the magic. Then after 22 years apart my ex and I became friends on Facebook and I saw a picture of her daughter it hit me like a ton of bricks this was the little girl from the dreams the girl of magic that kept talking to me. Then the memories from long time ago started coming back and things made more sense now this was her the child of magic and one of the reasons I had to let my ex go away so long ago. Then in dream world she introduced me to her mom again yea it was my ex for sure and all the pain of missing her got so very strong again. Even though I was married to someone else in dream world I was with my ex and her daughter just watching them in life nothing romantic or sexual (which was my weakness in life addicted to sex) but just hanging out together playing games and watching shows together. Now this is 22 years after my ex left and we had not really talked or been together since except for a couple of times years ago passing in a store and saying hi to each other and that had been around 7 or 8 years ago. But now in dream world it was like we had never been apart. It was a little disturbing at first but it was innocent and not really that upsetting even though I was happily married. But the dreams intensified more and more until I needed some answers as to why and what was going on. So I talked to her and as soon as I seen her the memories and the love I have for her surfaced with a blow they literally knocked me on my ass. Wow the love I have for this lady is even stronger than before but I love my wife also so very much. Now the conflict begins I know I will not cheat on my wife in real life, at least I hope I am strong enough not to but am now starting to worry the dreams have taken an abrupt change. In my drams I have cheated and I was with my ex and the sex was so unbelievably exotic I remember how she tasted and how it felt to be inside of her again. We fit together like no one else I have ever known in my life and over the years before my current wife I had been with way to many women (way over a hundred I know it is disgusting but it was my weakness in life). I canít seem to stop the dreams and to me dream world is connected to real life and I feel like an asshole for cheating on my wife. But I just canít seem to stop! I love both of these women so much and there is no way out of what is happening. Of course neither of them or anyone else knows what has been going on with me. It is a deep dark secret that cannot come out! But it is driving me crazy. There is no way I can talk to anyone about it people would freak I am afraid to go to sleep because I know where Iíll go and when I am asleep I donít want to wake up because I love being with her so much. All I know is I am the biggest jerk I have ever know and I canít share this fact with anyone because the closest friends I have are the two woman I love with all my heart. I am writing this because inside I am screaming out for help and I know there is no answer and no one to turn to and it is destroying me! So this is my story and you; strangers can tell me how much of an asshole and jerk I am. I already know it but I am not strong enough for this and I need some serious help!


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