THE GAME OF A DREAMER
In a lot of peoples eyes it takes an artist to do art a song writer to write a song and a poet to write a poem. In my eyes all it takes is a dreamer, if you can live yourself into every moment every second in every day, that would blow your mind away. You can do everything you put your mind to.
I made so many mistakes in my life and out of all those mistakes I only have one regret. It seemed so simple at first. It was a game to me, to prove I don’t know what to whom. Maybe to myself the fact that I am still desired? I never realized I am actually playing with fire.
If you go into something with an attitude, sarcasm, lust and heartlessness make sure you know the laws of physics. The first rule is never put yourself into a situation where attitude may turn into attraction, Sarcasm into Realism and heartlessness into feeling.
Why I asked it is that I am not understood, why if I say one word is it that people do not understand me.
It took me almost half a lifetime to realize the answer to this. Half of what I wanted to say was never uttered but mere thoughts in my mind.
I live my life in my mind. I always say I don’t have a heart, cause I love, laugh and live in my mind. I am a dreamer that will always dream that perfect dream.
Do I think that a dreamer can fall in love? I use to think not, If there is one thing I do not believe in it is LOVE…. Until the day I met my match. A person in every way, molecule exactly the same. Someone that I have known for so many years but never paid any attention to. This leading to the most dangerous game I ever played.
Age plays a big role in everything, compatibility is the foundation on which feeling is build and at the end you might find that you have compatibility in every sense even in something’s your mind never anticipated and the only thing standing in your way might be that one stupid little thing called age.
You can never continue any means of relationship if this is an obstacle. Simple reason you can not expect someone to stop living no matter how small or big that gap. You have lived those years and they might not have.
Some may ask “Is this fare?” No it is not but one should not play games in real life. Life is there to teach us lessons to help and guide us to grow to feed us daily and if you ignore these lessons you might end up burning your fingers.
Did I learn my lesson? Boy did I. Am I going to be able to live with myself after this cause I need to hurt a person that does not deserve it, because I will then for the first time be acting on his behalf and not mine? I don’t know I tried in several ways, but I seem to get this weird uncomfortable feeling every time I do.
Stimulation in conversation there is a huge gap, one that I presume can only be filled with as the years add on. But then I think that when I look into his eyes and I can see the million questions and I so wish I can answer every single one of them. For some reason I have always had a place for this person, he did not have a life filled with feeling, touch or comfort. He has so many things to learn but it is not my place to teach him this.
This seems to be my first broken dream a dream I can not change or fix so that it turns out to be positive. I played this game so many times before and this is the first time that I say with regret in mind that I might have lost.
Do I regret the way I feel, No. Do I regret playing the game, No! Maybe this is what is so mind bombing. If I do not regret all this, what is it that I regret…hurding someone? It never bothered me before why now?
All I know is in some way I need to end this before it is to late…..but it is just so amazing. I am speechless everytime I think about it. Although I can not remember a lot of how this all came about, how nothing turned into something, how I ended up playing the game of death! Does this person feel the same, I doubt very much. This person is the younger version of me, I did not feel anything at that age it was just one big game playing itself off against someones wildest most exotic thoughts.
Maybe this is lifes way to teach me a lesson, to ask me how it feels to be played. This is a train I wish no other women to be on, this is a never ending dream of a dreamer