It Happened To Me Too
I have heard it from friends, read it in books and now, I have a first hand experience on the same. Mama used to tell me, do not ever harbor regrets, if you do, that is a sure sign that you are getting old. Today, as I take time off from the novel am writing, I think…mmmmh, is this about regret or a guideline to those who still have a chance to avoid what happened to me? You tell me;
I have always been different, at 22, my friends think I am too mature for my age, back in my church community, I tried to join the youth group but though agemates, I could not fit, I decided after counsel from my spiritual director and friends to join the Young Professionals…they are neither youth nor older members. I felt perfectly comfortable in people older than me and this is where my trouble started. He never talked much, he was unusually good looking, drives a Merc, has a permanent smile on his face and is well built. I had noticed, he rarely gave his opinion till almost at the end of the session and people would mostly take his word as final…I admired him!
At first I thought it was a mere passing fling, a feeling that would fade away but then, trying to repress it, it grew stronger…lets call him Mike. Mike taught me to be patient and unknowingly, I started giving my sentiments on any topic pretty later into the discussion, he would then use my words as reference in winding up, it felt good to know he appreciated my words, he acknowledged my opinions. However, I was having a hard time, I was getting this rumble in my chest whenever I saw him, my legs would then start behaving badly, I would lose it! Am this type of person that takes life easy, am never in a hurry and mama told me never to force things, they will be if they r meant to be. I persevered, waiting for him to notice that I was no longer the friend I used to be to him, I had a crush on him and it was bad.
At one time, I thought he felt the same, he approached me after a meeting, we strolled around the serene compound of the church, chattered on and on about how he admired my courage and enthusiasm, that he had seen a few young people as focused as me, i was flattered but I could not say much. I just told him that he gave me so much inspiration. He mentioned nothing personal, he just told me to keep the spirit and dropped me in my house before leaving.
I had noticed this lady that he always hanged out with, she later joined the group and my life was shuttered, ok, not life but love life. It hurt my feelings, she came after me and stole his attention. A year down the line, she was pregnant and a close friend told me that it was his baby! I was broken, I stopped attending those meetings, I totally engaged my books and work to forget that it was no longer a crush but love. It hurt so bad almost like physical pain. I had forgotten in my pain that he knew where I lived, he gave me a call one evening asking me where I was, I told him I was at home. He told me that he was at the gate. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would break, which gate? I rushed and indeed, his car was there, by my gate!
He hugged me so hard I felt as though my bones would break, I could not understand why he had to come here and add insult to my injury. Tears were lingering in my eyes, its the first time he had hugged me that way, he requested me to let him come in and I had no choice but to say yes. He sat on my bed, we had nothing to say, I wondered if I should question him on his intentions. He spoke first, he asked me why I hadn’t shown up in our meetings for the past 3months, I lied that I had been busy. He took my hand in his and gave it a gentle kiss. I shattered as though from could, my eyes met his and I felt like a lost puppy. I felt guilty but that yearning to be with him, to feel his warmth on mine, to hear him tell me that he loves me.
“Tell me, is it because of me?” he asked
“No…why would you say that?” I asked in defense.
“You can be free with me, you know you can,” I was lost, so what if he knew the truth, he would be a daddy in a month or two!
“What does it matter now?” I muttered, “And why would you think so?” I added with so much pain.
“Because I love you, very much J, I always wanted to tell you but it was too late.” I thought I would die.
“Then…then, the tears fell, I could not say what I wanted to say, he loved me, that’s what mattered. My shoulders trembled and I let my tears loose. I lost him, I should have told him earlier, maybe I would have saved myself the pain.
He held me in his arms, for the first and last time, he let me cry, it was my first time to cry before a man. Somehow, things happened, as he let me free of his hold, our eyes met and then something else happened, our lips met, I let myself flow, I felt his kiss, we kissed hungrily but that is as far as we went, I loved him enough to let him be a good daddy to his daughter, she was born two months later.
“Never forget that I love you, maybe someday, in someway, we can live our dream…I can love you with no hindrance.” he told me amidst the tears.
How did it happen? how did he get her pregnant? I never asked because my first love said it was a mistake.
“I have loved you for a year now Mike, with all my heart, it breaks me to think that you will be with someone else but then, I love you enough to let you be happy even if it means I will not be a part of that happiness.” I was earnest with him.
He kissed me again, for the last time. He is married now, their daughter Stessy is grown and she is cute. My love still lives on, am all alone though, he is with her! I still cry on my bed but that is how far I can reach him, in my dreams…