Done in Reflection (When Asked).
01.17.2011, a Monday at _________ University student center, Loop campus, 1:47pm.
No dear diaries; my first journal entry in months; etc;Ö but Iíve got to get this off my chest because my chest is already so heavy and so full that I canít stand anymore weight or volume.
I feelÖ a little destroyed. Not irreparably so but a little destroyed nonetheless and itís a debilitating feeling. I am now to cease envisioning my life with ______. I am now to act as though heís a stranger by disentangling our lives and slowly but surely distancing myself from him completely. This, because we canít quite seem to get on the same wavelength when it comes to making our relationship work. We both want the same basic thing: each other; but when it comes to negotiating who we are to be when weíre together, neither of us really want to budgeÖ well, to be honest, Iím more inclined to budging. But thereís a missing link- or rather, several missing links. Mistrust among them, pride and lack of confidence among others. And now I canít call him and tell him how my day was or ask him about his. Oddly enough, I have so much practice with this distance anyway because heís been pushing me away here and there for the better half of a year. I mustíve really hurt him in the beginning, though of course I never meant to. I guess we never really mean to hurt anyone; unless weíre completely, intentionally sadistic.
At first, I couldnít figure out why the sudden distance (besides the fact that initially Iíd done the same to him) but now Iím struggling to figure out why he continued to push me away and pull me to him at the same time for so long. Heís not merely selfish, thatís not the guy I met and this isnít denial speaking. Iím a better judge of character than that. This I know.
Love is a helluva thing though. It rendered me in a perpetual haze of denial and acceptance for a time. Not about who he was, exactly but about what how he felt for me at one time was capable of overcoming. It wasnít everything, as it turns out. Iíve accepted his behavior as some kind of penance for my initial behavior (but he knew what he was getting into with me; I, on the other hand was led to believe that he was more patient and understanding than he actually turned out to be) and I denied the fact that he was, simply put, no longer interested in making all the effort.
Once I dropped the ruse of being guarded and un-trusting and I trusted him with my heart and all that I am, he rejected me when he promised me he wouldnít.
And now I donít know how to just let it all go. All of the love, happiness, sadness, embraces, memories and promises made Ė ones kept, ones broken; places we went, secrets we sharedÖ I pictured a life with this man. I pictured continuing to build a future of trips, laughs, homes, businesses Ė even kids one day with my partner, my friend, my ______. And now Iím just to stop all that and for now, picture time alone and worse, picture life without my love.
Itís treacherous to let that feeling of devastation wash over me; again, it can be debilitating at times. And I donít know the solution yet, Iím hoping itíll dawn on me soon. But then again, maybe there isnít one. I guess all there is to do for now is brave the pain as it comes; brace myself when I feel it welling up and try not to lose myself in it. Ugh! Day 3Ö here we go again. One last question, ďdear journalĒ; how do I live without him when I donít want to? I donít want the day to come when, because of space, time and distance, Iím no longer in love with him. If such a day even existsÖ
I wrote the above journal entry just over a month ago. It was as a relationship Iíve invested a lot of time, energy and love into was unraveling and as it did, so was I. I realize that as a twenty something female, heartbreak is to be expected but still, Iíve never gotten used to it. Additionally, this love wasÖ epic. _____ was the love of my life -so far and if I had any say in it, her would have been just that- the love of my life. But I realize that he and I canít be all I focus on any more or ever again. Because to lose yourself in love is tantamount to losing yourself completely.