Broken Heart: fell for Older Man in the Office
I took a promotion and changed groups, and fell completely head over heals for an older man. At the time I met him I was 26 and he was 49. His intelligence, professionalism, personality, etc., won me over. I had the hardest time accepting the age difference and would push him away when he got too close. However, it was inevitable that I would fall for him. I had shut off my feelings for all men at the age of 18 after experiencing some emotional trama. He reawaken everything in me. I was excited to see him and hear his voice. He was in a long term relationship but was not married.
After a married coworker who I believed was my friend kissed me I realized I did not want to be the other woman so I confronted him at lunch on March 1, 2010 and told him that I had feelings for him but that since he had a girlfriend we could no longer continue flirting the way we had. He said nothing except that he was flattered and told me he had cheated before but that he was older and wiser and would not do that again. He broke my heart for several reasons, 1. the fact he did not acknowledge his part in my fall for him (the flirting), 2. did not tell me how he felt about me, and 3. admitted he was a previous cheat. Now my head should have told me to forget this man, but my heart could not let him go. I had fallen in love with him and was so devistated.
A few months go by as I limit conversations and refuse to initate conversation and I realize I have to work with him so I should be friendly. We started talking again and ended up flirting again. All my feelings were as strong as ever. I bought a house and when I moved the dryer a mouse ran loose, so I had him come over and help. He got the mouse out of my house, but nothing else happened. A few weeks later I found out he took another job and was moving south. I did not want him to leave. One day after work he came over for wine. He made an advance and I never touched him. I even told him No when he asked to kiss me. If I could only go back in time and change that moment. But I knew he had a girlfriend and I could not kiss him while he was in a relationship. I did tell him later that I wish he did not leave that night.
I spoke to him via IM/communicator when I found out that he had actually been engaged. My heart seriously took a beating. I can not explain it other than this, we spent a lot of time together saw eachother all the time, he made me laugh, light up inside.. he made me feel things I have never felt and yes I did and still do love him.
We did not speak after I pulled away upon learning of his engagement. When he left I could not attend the farewell dinner, so I wrote him a heartfelt goodbye letter. He never spoke to me after reading it. And barely said goodbye. He only said goodbye to me because I was in a coworkers cube, he did not even look me in the eye.
I have tried for several months to get over him. The rejection was too much to bare and I gave away my innocence to a stranger and have tried dating other men, but they are all like drugs. I use them to help me forget, but I only mask the pain. To this day I love him. I wish he would show up at my door and tell me he wants me.
To make matters worse my coworkers keep talking about him. I heard about his upcoming wedding in Vegas and I was invited by another coworker to go.. talk about throwing daggers at my heart. Although it was not a real invitation, I still turned it down. No one knows what happened and its getting really hard, I kind of just want to say, please do not say his name around me.
I realize how stuck I am and I am seaking help. I can not continue to destroy my body with others as a way to stop feeling anything, because it does not work. I look in the mirror and I do not know what happened. Why cant I stop loving him, when he so clearly does not love me?
I pray and God does not answer me. I am broken and there is no healing. Mostly I can not let go because I still carry hope in my heart, eventhough my brain tells me, he is not coming back for you. Oh.. to only know what the future holds. I am a hopeless romantic and have caused myself the most pain of all. How stupid I was to let him go without talking to him face to face and now I am too late.